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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
KateShannon Offline
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Unhappy This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - April 26th 2010, 03:33 AM

Well, here's my story, I guess. I'm eighteen years old and I've been struggling with depression for most of my life. I've gone through therapy and have been on medication, but it hasn't seemed to work. I self harmed for five years before stopping on November 4, 2009, and I'm almost six months without cutting. I've been through so much in my life- I've been sexually assaulted, I lived in an abusive home, and as cliche as this will probably sound, I don't know what to do any more. My depression has pushed people away my entire life, I don't really have many friends; however I've been in a relationship for almost a year and a half and I know my depression is taking a toll on him. I believe he's the one for me and I don't want to lose him. I need to get myself better not just for him, but for myself. I feel so alone, can someone please let me know that I'm not and try to help?
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - April 26th 2010, 04:06 AM

Hello Kate,
Welcome to this forum. That is really a tough childhood indeed and I can understand why you feel the way you do, especially since you have few people to turn to. Have you ever gone to the police about the assault and abuse? I think you should try talking your feelings through with your BF and with a different counselor who better specializes in your types of situations (maybe he could go with you, that would help). But sometimes depression just sticks and eventually wears of whenever it sort of wants to, for me it was about two years but I have seen a lot longer for some on here. When the circumstances in your life start to get better then you should start feeling better too.

Congrats for going 6 months without self-harm by the way. Your recovery may seem slow but this shows that you are definitely on the right path.

And remember, you are never alone here.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
KateShannon Offline
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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - April 26th 2010, 04:35 AM

Hi,

Thank you for actually responding. I wasn't sure if people would respond to it or not.

The police was involved with the domestic abuse, and my parents are now separated, thankfully. Because of his behavior, I don't speak to my father, and admittedly, it's hard on me sometimes.

The sexual issues happened when I was 14 and 17. They were with boyfriends and I felt that they weren't serious enough to report; also, there was no proof of them. But it did leave psychological scars, as well as caused the more prominent physical scars on my body after it happened.

I'm not in therapy currently mainly due to lack of insurance, that, and the fear of failure. I talk to Dave [my boyfriend] about my issues, but I get frustrated with myself and my see sawing progress. I was diagnosed with chronic depression in 2005 and it bothers me that I am so up and down all the time. And I don't want to hurt him anymore, he deals with the brunt of my anger and sadness and it's not fair.

Thank you so much, for making me feel understood for the first time in years.

-Kate
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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - April 26th 2010, 12:40 PM

Physical scars + DNA evidence = proof enough to press charges. It is never too late to go to the police about it. Even the slightest touch by a person can leave DNA evidence.

Failure is never something that you should worry about. If anything, worrying about failure might stress you out and make things worse for yourself. As I said before, recovery can take a long time. Just because one therapist didn't work doesn't mean there isn't another that will.

Since part of your problem was caused by the abuse and sexual assaults, you probably qualify for aid from a victim's assistance fund which usually pays for all or a majority of necessary therapy and treatments related to your recovery. Check with your local officials for more info as there are several differences between states.

And you're welcome, anytime. Please keep us updated with how you are doing here.
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
KateShannon Offline
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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - April 26th 2010, 11:22 PM

Well, the scars I was referring to were caused by me after the incidents. And I've read horror stories of people trying to press charges on rape because so many people do lie about being raped to avoid parental trouble.

I just feel like a failure all the time. I've always been obsessed with attaining perfection, even when I was a kid. I always obsess over my looks, always. My first semester of college, I gained the "Freshman Fifteen" from eating so much fast food between classes [I go to a commuter school and the cafe sucks] as well as partying so much; I was so insecure with gaining the weight that I would binge and purge. I stopped it in November 2009 as well and have taken a healthier approach to weight loss. I just always feel that I have to be the perfect person and it's exhausting. And trying to manage this disease in a healthy manner can be exhausting, as I'm sure you and anyone else who might read this know. I'll be on the right track for a while and feel wonderful, but then one thing will happen and it's back to crying myself to sleep and having mini breakdowns. And it makes me hate myself sometimes, because I've lost so many people because of the illness and it's not my fault, and I'm trying to be better, but like the rest of this country, I want instant gratification. I want to be better. I don't want to want to die anymore. And I know that this is taking a toll on my boyfriend because he was the main person I went to with all of my problems; I don't want him to give up on me and think that I'm incurable. I know I'm young, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

The depression's affected so much in my life. I've lost friends and boyfriends, I basically failed out of college because I didn't want to get out of bed. Well, I technically didn't fail fail out; my GPA was so low that I lost my financial aid for this semester and couldn't go to school this semester. I feel my issues weighing heavily on this relationship and it's so much to bear sometimes. But I'm not giving up.

I just need a new outlet, so here I am.

<3 Kate
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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - April 26th 2010, 11:30 PM

Congrats for all the positive changes you have made in your life. Those alone are amazing feats! I know it can be frustrating when it just seems like you can’t move on with your life. But dealing with depression is not a quick thing, there is no quick fix and it is something you just have to slowly progress with. You said you have been in therapy, but there are so many different types of therapy out there. It might be really worth looking into something new that you have not tried before.




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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - April 26th 2010, 11:41 PM

Hi Kate I must say you sound a lot like me.
I just want to let you know that you are getting better, and this site helps a lot. It's actually a very positive community, and whenever you feel the need to vent, there is always someone here who will listen. Depression sucks, to say the very least. But keep in mind that people beat it
If you ever need someone to talk to, message me any time! I've been struggling with depression and the like for quite some time, and I'm always here to talk to.
Just know you're doing something to get better, and take comfort in that

Things can and will get better


__DEVINxLEIGH,
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"Sometimes I have moments in life,
where I am able to forget for one minute,
exactly how lonely I am.
I live for those moments.
Is that pathetic or brave?"

---


   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
KateShannon Offline
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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - April 27th 2010, 03:46 AM

Thank you both so much. And same goes for you two- PM me if you need someone to talk to, and my AIM screenname is in my profile thingy.

<3Kate
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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - May 3rd 2010, 05:38 PM

Kate as far as i've seen u've been through many things and u're still alive that's great. U said u want to be the perfect person and nobody is perfect and never be.We're different from each other and maybe it's nice maybe not but i feel like a failure like u said before a lot. I haven't been to your position but i know how it is to hurt so much
   
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Re: This is my first post, I need someone to talk to. - May 4th 2010, 05:13 PM

I do hope that you will feel better! anytime you want to talk, you can always pm me, i'll try to help you as best as i can!

wishing you good luck with everything

anytime you're down, just remember, you will always have friends behind you! =)
   
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