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firecracker Offline
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It hurts - May 6th 2010, 04:05 AM

If I keep myself busy with stupid things, I can totally convince myself everything is fine. But whenever I stop to breathe, it hurts. Everything is fucked up and nothing is going right. My whole family is fucked up and I have no idea what's going to happen to us and I'm scared, and I keep trying to invent distractions, but it just makes things worse

and at night, I feel like I could cry myself to sleep for hours but I never do and that makes it worse and I never want to get out of bed in the morning. And nobody knows this cause it's my job to be the perky optimist. I'm supposed to help everyone with their problems, because I mean, what the hell do I have to complain about. And when I do act depressed it brings everyone else down further, so I feel like I'm not allowed to be unhappy. I am frustrated, and confused, and angry, and scared, and lonely, and you know what? I AM FUCKING UNHAPPY.

And now, my family is nearing the end of my dad uneplyment, we have no clue how we're going to pay bills, but MY BIRTHDAY is in two weeks, so my mom is all "what do you want?" and I'm like "Nothing, we don't have the money." and she's like "You have to say something" and in my mind I'm like "so it can all be tainted with guilt that we could've spent the money on FOOD or ELECTRICITY?!"

I am so sick of feeling this way and I am so sick of everything falling apart and I want this all done and over with in the past and I want to actually believe that I have a bright and happy future ahead of me, but I am just not seeing it right now.
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Re: It hurts - May 7th 2010, 12:25 AM

Ahhhh, there you go, you are afraid, perhaps of the fear itself also. That's the source and that's the thing you need to confront.

Hey, if you are unhappy then be unhappy, don't wear a mask so that you can keep your work of being a "HAPPY OPTIMIST". Just don't wear a mask. If you are having trouble don't hide it.

So talk to your mother about it. You never know, she might have been saving up for you. So don't take all the burden by yourself cause you aren't alone in this. You are with your family in this, so don't bear all the burden by yourself. And neither should you not face the fear. Face it by being courageous and calm and going through it with your family.

I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
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