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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
AlmostHeaven Offline
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Question Im Falling Apart And I dont Know How To Fix Myself - May 14th 2010, 03:54 AM

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Ok well i really dont know where to begin... i mean i HATE living but im scared of dying. Luckily, i havnt self-injured in a really long time because all my "tools" are in a purse i left in my aunts carant at this point im kinda glad i left it there because i really dont want anymore scars before prom. But iv had like major urges that have caused me to cry myself to sleep like 2-3 times a week. Im also dealing with some MAJOR body issues and have been dealing with Anarexia/Bulimia for about 1 year and hav been fasting/binging/purging violently for the past month and i wonder why cant i just be happy with myself? i get compliments all the time but i feel its mainly because i have big boobs and a nice ass (i personaly HATE it) and i just dont think im pretty. Iv been played by soooo many guys its rediculous . I feel so helpless right now. My friend carina gets guys to fall for her left and right and so does my other friend jess and its hard to be around sometimes because it makes me hate myself even more then i already do because it makes me think.... am i not attractive or something? it's not like im always expecting attention/aprovell from guys constantly its just nice to hear everyonce and a while when im feeling down. i mean im a freshmen, and this junoir, pat, likes me. It made my confidence go WAY up though just because it is one if the first guys to finaly fall for ME instead of tall, blonde, and pretty carina, and jess who i think isnt really that pretty but guys constantly fall for her! She always whining and bitching about how much her life sucks and inside im screaming "STFU!! you HAVE NO IDEA!!!" but i love her to death and would never say something like tht too her. But anyway, i only like pat as a friend and wouldnt date him. And this other guy, a senoir named nick, fell HARD for carina but then when he realized he couldnt hav her (i guess) told me that hes wanted me this entire time which sucks number one because i dont want to lose him as a friend if/when i reject him and two because i feel like 2nd best.... if i cant have carina ill just take her best friend. NO! im NOBODIES 2nd CHOICE. And this other girl that i kinda like (im bi) i realized believes in the possible existence of vampires and is a "witch" i guess and i guess u could say im a little wierded out by tht but i still kinda like her but shes all over this other girl named gabby :P. I know this problems seem small but they add up because thats not all that im dealing with right now. i have a highly addictive personality and i think its possible that im addicted to the escapism of weed and alcohol. Iv just been really depressed lately and its been hell. i HATE looking in the mirror because i look like a fat piece of shit. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and im sick of the pain. it feels like iv literaly been stabbed in the lungs b ecause it hurts to breathe. i ALWAYS make sure that there IS something in the house i can kill myself with just so its there and i know that there is a way out. I know i probably wont kill myself but everyday i feel im being pushed closer and closer to the edge and i feel so guilty. My grades are SHIT right now and my mom is always yelling at me to get thm back up but i honestly just dont have the energy. i play a possible suicide scene in my head constantly and it always just seems to replay itself. but i think of my mom! how sad she would be if i was dead and my friends would all get super depressed especialy carina. Shes told me "iv noticed how sad you are all the time rachel, but can you promiss me you wont kill yourself? that would be sooo selfish and i would be sooo sad" and my other friend rachel talked me out of it at one point and im glad she did. im just so down all the time and i dont know why! I just feel soooo pathetic and alone. What do i do???? iv been dealing with this depression for 2 years and iv never felt so close to suicide. it just feels like an option, a way out, and i just really cant take all this anymore. I dont get called fat anymore but everyone thinks im a vampire tht drinks my own period blood -__- that rumour has been going around since the 8th grade. I generaly just dont hav any energy and i sleep a LOT. Im not even sure if that has explained me well enough im just so sad and i want to be happy again . i read the reasons to live sticky and i started to cry because it made me think of those little moments that just make me soooo happy. but then i just go back to being depressed and i can be really moody and randomly be bitchy. i know i need help but i really dont even feel the need. i just want to disapear. Im thinkimg about suicide but at the same time i just dont feel like its an option.... but is it the only way out of this blur? i just suck at everything and just generaly dont feel good enough for anyone.... i just need help i guess but dont know wher/how to get it and if anyone will actualy take me sieriously

(ps thnx for reading my little rant im sorry for the length i just hav no one els to talk to about this stuff and i bottle my emotions)


~Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again. Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart.~
   
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Re: Im Falling Apart And I dont Know How To Fix Myself - May 14th 2010, 04:14 AM

wow i know just how yhu feel rite now yhu feel dat no one is on your side. yhu feel yhu not good enough for no one bat no dude would ever fall foe yhu again. like okay i fell for dis dude last year n he stop talkinq because i wouldnt have sex with him. my mama alwaysz told me neva hold nothinq over noone head itsbetter to forgive den forget so we start back talk may 1 2010 n its like all he want it sex i have to say ima do dis ima do dat just to see him my friendz startinq to catch on to it because dey alwaysz wanna meet him but i alwaysz say he be busy alot sumtime i just wanna kill myself n im only 16 ill be a senior next year im so confused i dnt knw wat to do everybody has a boyfriend but me wen we all go out im dha third wheel n it hurts so much
   
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Re: Im Falling Apart And I dont Know How To Fix Myself - May 14th 2010, 04:20 AM

Hey Rachel,

You have a whole lot going on.

First things first, is that guys are gonna be buttholes to you. I know it seems like it's the end of the world, and it hurts. I know. I"ve been there. It's easier said then done, but don't let it get to you too much. And that other girl.... you should think more about how you feel about her. Do you have a therapist? I think you should get professional help. Try with guidance at school if you can't make it work with your parents.

PM me if you'd like

Toz


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Re: Im Falling Apart And I dont Know How To Fix Myself - May 15th 2010, 01:39 AM

i do hav a therapist and this is my secound one but it really just doesnt help. i feel comfortable talking to her but im not just gonna straight up say im suicidle b/c if my mom finds out she will yell at me and tell me to stop feeling. Same thing happened when she found out that i self-harm... just stop ur being stupid and if iu didnt stop she would yell at me. And same thing with the eating disorder.... just stop. but i cant! and she just doesnt understand. I really dont kno what to tell my therapist to get her to help me. she hasnt done shit so far and i want to stop feeling this way. i want to enjoy life again... like the 7th grade! i was happy, why arent i happy now?


~Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again. Just when I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart.~
   
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