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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ella.x Offline
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Feeling really lost - May 15th 2010, 11:56 PM

I'm nearing the end of my first year at uni. I'm not coming back in september. I haven't been going to lectures or exams. There is no way I'm going to pass. I'm taking a year out to work, and hopefully travel. But everything I want to do depends on my getting a job soon, which is looking unlikely. After my year out I think I want to do a 2-year paramedic foundation course at a uni near where I am now. I need to go to an interview for that though, and I honestly cannot see myself passing it. I need some direction in my life. I need to do something where I can help people, or my life means nothing. Helping other people in whatever way I can is the only thing I can see myself doing as a Job, even if I'm wiping disabled people's arses and mopping up old people's dribble - I need to make a difference to someone's life. I need someone to remember me in a positive way when I'm gone.

All my flatmates have friends in their courses who they go out and socialise with. I have a couple of people who I'll talk to during lectures and about 3 people who are friends with all of my flatmates outside of class. I have no friends of my own other than my 3 flatmates and people who we socialise with together. I've always been a bit of a loner, but there's always been people who I've known well enough to make plans to go to the pub with or just hang out with in a group. I now have 3 people who I can do that with.

I'm feeling homesick at the moment because there is a strong chance that I have polycystic kidney disease and I just want a hug from my mum and to just be near her as she has it and being near her would make me feel less alone and I would have someone who understands how bad it can get. I can tell my mum is worried about me - she offered to drive the 7-hour round trip to where I live to come to my kidney scan with me. In a few weeks I'll be home for a week. That is the only reason I haven't tried to kill myself recently. I need to see my mum at least one last time before I do.
I feel so lonely. My flatmates don't realise what polycystic kidney disease is like. I don't feel worried about it, I just want my mum to be okay. It seems like all the family members that I love either get ill, or die. My mum, uncle, little brother and grandma have all had or still have polycystic kidney disease. My mum and brother are the only ones that are still alive. If I have polycystic kidney disease, it means I can't donate my brother a kidney when he needs a transplant and I can't give my mum a kidney if her new one fails. I know that there are all kinds of factors to take into account like blood and tissue type, but if I have this disease, I don't even have to choice. To be honest, I don;t care all that much if I get ill. I was more upset when my mum told me my brother had it than when I found out that I probably have it.

I keep pushing people away because every time I get close to people, I either ruin it by making stupid mistakes, they die, they get annoyed with me and ditch me, or they start finding out how messed up I am and ditch me.

This week I spend 4 days inside. Didn't leave my flat once. Barely even left my room. I spent most of that time aternating between hiding under my covers in bed hyperventilating, and pacing round my room trying to keep my breathing under control. It was awful. When I finally gained the courage to force myself to go outside to the shop (2 minute walk) to get some milk I felt so panicky and light-headed just because I was outside. I feel like I'm losing my mind. One minute, I can't bear to leave my room, and the next I need to get out but I can't bring myself to go outside. I feel so trapped

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I need to know that I'm not alone in this. I though my anti-depressants were working, they still are in a sense - When I'm in my normal "flat" moods, I no longer feel depressed, just neutral, so obviously something is working, but I'm still having really bad mood swings and going from feeling very "up", to being suicidal in literally minutes. Usually, I can control the suicidal thoughts without too much difficulty, but over the past few days, they've gotten a lot worse again. I don't keep paracetamol or any other things like that, which is lucky because there have been 3 occasions in the last week where I would have overdosed if I had anything to overdose on other than my old anti-depressants which just make me vomit within a few minutes of taking more than double the dose I was on.

Someone please give me advice, tell me I'm not alone, tell me that you've been through this and you got better. I need to know that there's hope. Help?
   
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Re: Feeling really lost - May 16th 2010, 07:13 AM

Hey Ella,

The only thing I can say for certain is that you are NOT alone. From what you've shared, it seems to me that your friends and family care about you and really want to help you through this. I won't say "I feel the same" because I believe people can never fully understand each others thoughts and emotions, but I've definitely been going through similar experiences.

I had a horrible summer last year. I came back from Nashville and realized I'd lost contact with all of my old friends. My best friend was away for the whole summer and I couldn't find work, so I was basically left just killing time until school started again. I was really excited to see my friends at Vanderbilt again, but classes started, time went on, and I could feel them slipping away from me. It's been the same for six years now -- I meet new people, get off to a good start, and then...nothing. I introduce my "friends" to one another, they become close, and they leave me by the wayside, perpetually alone.

I couldn't stand that I was losing the only friends I had, but I didn't know how to stop it, so I left. Ever since, I'll only speak to my three close friends and my family. I don't go out and don't see the point in building new relationships -- In fact I can't, I just can't bring myself to trust anyone these days. And from this arises the dichotomy that is killing me: I want to reach out, to love and be loved, but the bitterness I've tasted won't allow it and I remain alone, immovable, implacable.

Sorry this is such a downer of a reply, I just wanted you to know that while everyone faces their own hardships, you're not alone in the way you feel. You can get through this; and while it won't be easy, it'll be worth it when you get there.

As a side note, I just read up on polycystic kidney disease and now I just can't wait until I go on dialysis in ~40 years

Take care, and I wish you the best
--James



The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
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Re: Feeling really lost - May 16th 2010, 07:33 AM

Just out of curiosity, what a/d's are you taking? I have bad mood swings too and SSRI's have always made me feel "flat," empty and zombielike. I switched to a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) and have noticed some improvement. It's not a miracle drug but it has helped me.



The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
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Re: Feeling really lost - May 16th 2010, 07:49 AM

I'm on duloxetine at the moment, but I've had venlafaxine, sertraline, fluoxetine and mirtazepine in the past.
   
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Re: Feeling really lost - May 17th 2010, 05:42 AM

Depression hurts. Did Cymbalta help? God I hate those commercials! I've tried two of the pills you mentioned, Prozac and Zoloft, both with horrible results. What'd you think of Effexor/venlafaxine?



The neon burns a hole in the night, and the Freon burns a hole in the sky.
You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Feeling really lost - May 17th 2010, 12:26 PM

venlafaxine was horrible. It made no difference to my mood and when I ran out of it over a weekend once I had horrible withdrawal effects. I think the duloxetine is working the best out of all of them so far.
   
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Re: Feeling really lost - May 17th 2010, 04:58 PM

hey ella.

i have went through something like you (i too had a time where i stayed in my room because i was facing sadness) but i overcame it. I am sure that you, too can overcome whatever you are facing. I have some tips... firstly, you must always remember that everything can of course, always get better. that much is already a confirmed fact.. the second thing is in fact, you deserve real happiness.

i think that you can simply help do some charity work because you love to help people. That, certainly will help because i know that you're a person who likes to brighten up people's lives and that is already something to be respected. we all already see you in a positive way because of that. I also think that you can overcome whatever you are going through because when there is a will, there is a way.

there IS hope! remember you can always talk to us if you want someone to listen


Those who have went through more pain than everyone else, and want to protect anyone and everyone they know and care for from that pain, are stronger than everyone.

we come, we help, we stick and never leave. pm me anytimeee!

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I'm firing mah Hugs!
   
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