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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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UnknownLife Offline
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Empty and Undeserving - May 22nd 2010, 07:51 AM

8 months ago, I thought I had beat my depression. After 10 years of struggling and hardships, I honestly thought I had done it. I got out of my previous abusive 3 year relationship where I was being cheated on constantly. I began dating an amazing girl I got a full time job making good money. I stopped drinking and began going to AA. But over the past 2 months, I have completely fallen apart. I attempted to go back to college, and I failed...again. My depression is hurting my girlfriend so badly and I know she loves me but I do NOT want to put her through this. Due to stopping my partying and binge drinking, I have lost alot of friends. I work in a fairly negative environment, call center for an insurance company, and people just completely make me feel like garbage night after night. I want to drink so badly and I don't know if I can resist the urge much longer. I feel sick all the time and I went from being 175 lbs with an athletic build to being 205 and not neccesarily fat but not where I want to be. I hate myself and I attempted to break up with my girlfriend of 8 months the other day but after making her cry for a hour I gave in and decided to stay with her. I hate how I hurt her with my depression. I have recurring suicidal episodes a couple times a day and I'm beginning to feel like its for the best again. I see the hate and disdain my family has for me and it further puts me down. And the fact that I have no release or cover up, drinking, is killing me. All I want is to be happy but its honestly something I will never have. I have everything I could want but yet I have nothing. I don't know what to do anymore....
   
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Re: Empty and Undeserving - May 22nd 2010, 03:51 PM

I think that you need to start working out (not to lose weight), but instead to get positive endorphins that make you feel happy. I know when I go skiing or dancing, it makes me feel a lot happier. I think that you could go back to college and succeed if you put your mind to it, but stay out of the drinking seen, and call up your girlfriend to talk or meet up with her instead. I think that you should stay with your girlfriend and instead of thinking that you are hurting her, think of that you are sharing a huge part of your life with her that she could get you out of. And you WILL beat your depression.
   
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Re: Empty and Undeserving - May 23rd 2010, 03:49 AM

I do workout, 5 days a week lol. I honestly don't think I can succeed in college. Its not my environment. Its not the work its the motivation which I have absolutely zero of. Well I see her 5 days a week, we talk all the time. I can tell I'm dragging her down. The look in her eyes when she looks at me and sees the depression eating me inside kills her. I can't do this to her, it makes me feel worse. You know, I'm sick of saying that to myself. 12 years of depression, that does something crazy to you. It takes away hope and its something I no longer have
   
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Re: Empty and Undeserving - May 24th 2010, 10:06 PM

If college isn't your environment, then don't go back. But if you don't enjoy your job, then look for one, but do not quit the one that you currently have. And wow, you work out a lot! So anyways, in whatever you do, I believe that you will succeed in whatever it is. In addition, perhaps you could go to a psychiatrist and talk, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then bring your girlfriend with you. I wish you luck in all of you do!
   
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