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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Firesong3 Offline
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Name: Nicola
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It's starting again... - June 1st 2010, 11:34 PM

Hello... my name is Nicola. Sorry this is going to be a very long post but you really have to understand my background in order to understand the place I am at now.

I grew up as a very antisocial child, afraid of what people would say or think of me. I was intellectually bright though, and my family would constantly praise me, to the point where I became arrogant. Even now I still have a little bit of that "nobody's smarter than me" attitude, which is actually the stupidist thing to think in the world, because it doesn't matter how smart you are, if you aren't kind or you don't help other people, or if you think you're better than other people, nobody will like you anyway. It's just like being a shallow beauty, only I was a shallow intellect.

Then something happened at age 13... I realised two things almost simultaneously. One was that this world is a cold, cruel place, and no matter how much I try, I can't make everybody in the world happy. Rather than releasing me from obligation, this made me despair. The second thing I realised was that for 13 years I had been looking down upon people who were nicer, kinder, more generous, even smarter than me. I didn't think at the time that they were smarter than me because I had the impression that nobody was smarter than me, and unlike me they didn't feel the need to advertise their intelligence.

I felt agonisingly stupid, I felt like I had never done anything good in my entire life, that I never made anybody happy (I was constantly fighting with my mum too so this didn't help) and for three years I felt like tearing my hair out, doing anything to release me from the horror of I-don't-know-what. Honestly, I don't know where most of my depression comes from. I only know that it points a finger at me and says "you're ugly, you're stupid, your friends never liked you, you're family is too nice to point out what a bitch you are, remember that time you yelled at your aunt when she was just trying to help you...? Remember that time you bitched about your friend behind her back? Remember when..."

For 3 years I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling, but it grew inside me and got worse and worse. When I was 16, I muttered something to my mum about "not feeling good." I had mentioned to her, weeks before, that I was having "depressing thoughts". She immediately picked up on what I was feeling and took me to the doctor, who diagnosed me with severe depression. On a combination of medicine and counselling, I got better. Much, much better. I remembered the horror of my depression and prayed I would never end up in that place again. I know some people give an image to their depression- mine is a well, drained of water. I sit at the bottom of it and read the messages scribbled on the wall that tell me how horrible I am. I try and remember times when I was supportive, but none come to mind. The longer I sit there, the more I forget about the good things and focus on the bad things.

I'm 18 now. I've been off the medicine for 4 months, in fact I went to take a gap year, and I'm in Italy right now. For too many reasons to go into here, I decided I wanted to come home, and I'm leaving in 11 days. But I can feel the bricks of the well starting to take shape around me. I'm scared to death of the feeling returning. Lately, I've been thinking about all my "happy" memories over the past couple of years, and a little voice has been going around in my head, telling me how selfishly I was acting then, pointing out all the times I was being a bitch and didn't even notice, asking me what on earth I was thinking when I decided to do things I hadn't done in a long time... if this voice had its way, the only good I could do would be to shut myself inside my room forever, so I never hurt anyone.

I don't know what to do, but I want to fight it while I still can... a few weeks ago I thought "if I just go home, the feeling will go away." but now I'm not so sure. I'm desperate to break free of this vicious pattern and I want to know- how do you stop depression from happening in the first place? Is it too late for me to turn things around by myself? Should I accept the fact that when I get home I'm going to have to go back to my counsellor and possibly back on the meds? What can I do?

Sorry my post was so long
   
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Re: It's starting again... - June 2nd 2010, 12:16 AM

I don't think that it is too late to turn things around. Yes, it's true that if one has depression (especially earlier in their life), it means the're more prone to getting it again. I think if you explain to your counselor that you want to work without medication, or with minimal doses, then they will be the person to tell you whether that's a good idea or not.

After looking over this post a couple of times, I think it would be a good idea for you to continue seeing your counselor, but that doesn't mean you'll never be able to go through your life without him/her.

This is something that I've just started to learn recently. If you need help, ask for it. If you think you MIGHT need help, it's still a good idea to ask for it.

I'm not going to say it's too late for you to turn things around on your own- that's for you to decide. Just don't wait until you're not in the right frame of mind to ask for help to deal with it.
   
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Re: It's starting again... - June 2nd 2010, 01:18 AM

Try not to be so hard on yourself, try looking at your positive points more than negative ones. You might need to see your counselor, but it doesn't necessarily mean you'll have to go on meds again, just a little support might help. Don't be afraid to ask for help or support whenever you need it, there's nothing wrong with feeling depressed.

Talking to friends is also a good idea when you're feeling down, if you feel you dislike yourself it can help having people who appreciate you and can point out your qualities. Honestly, from reading your post you sound like a very nice person.

Anyway, don't be afraid to ask help if you need it and try to keep positive about yourself, good luck.
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