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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
DarkSeph Offline
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Meh... - June 2nd 2010, 03:41 AM

Well, I kinda feel really bad writing here, but I thought it might be worth a try. I mean, I've felt suicidal more than a few times, especially when I'm feeling down, but I've never SH'd, my problems are kinda silly and I've managed to get this far, so I don't really feel I have reason enough to deserve help ^^

Well, I went through a really bad break up about 3 months ago. My gf at the time also happened to be my best friend in the world and someone I'd devoted a lot to and the sudden desertion without any given reason whatsoever has left me a little stunned.
I'd really love to talk about it, but whenever I type it up in the relationships section I end up writing out pages and pages, so I just gave up in the end. No one needs my life story, or cares.

Also, for a certain reason around the time of the break up, I've lost most of my online accounts, meaning no real friends online. And all our mutual friends have blocked or are ignoring me. And in real life I kinda live in the middle of nowhere and I'm not in college or working this year.
So...I have literally zero friends. And definitely no close friends. No one at all to talk to. And it seems silly to be depressed, but the loneliness is eating away at me badly.

I really hate myself for this too. I mean, it is my fault. "Get over it and just make friends, you're not trying." My self esteem and confidence is at an absolute zero from all this, and I don't feel I can trust people atm, but that's just excuses.
I've honestly tried everything, my whole life, to be a nice person, I just wish I knew why it ended up with me having nothing.

Agh...I dunno why I'm even typing here, it wont fix anything ._.
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Re: Meh... - June 2nd 2010, 05:36 AM

First of all, no matter how "small" of a problem you are having- you deserve help for it! Everyone deserves help when things are bothering them. Obviously this is causing distress for you so you do deserve the help!
I know that you think that it is your fault but its not completely your fault. I dont know the story of the break up that you went through, but even if the break up was because of something that you did, it is still not all your fault. The fact that you and your ex had mutual friends who have now stopped talking to you is not your fault. It was just an unfortunate situation that happened that has now left you alone. Also the comment that you wrote "Get over it and just make friends, you're not trying"--Im sorry but making friends is really hard to do! Especially when you now have a hard time trusting people. Its not just an excuse. Its real.
Im sorry that right now you are lost with no one. I know how lonely that is because thats where I am in my life. It is not silly to be depressed! Not at all! Like you said, loneliness eats away at you. You did not chose to be alone with no one, and even if you did, obviously now you dont want to be alone which is completely understandable. Loneliness really does cause depression for a lot of people- your not alone.
I think that part of the problem is how hard you are being on yourself. You are really beating yourself up and giving yourself a hard time for being alone. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and looking at the negatives...I mean you wrote "I dunno why Im even typing here, it wont fix anything." That state of mind isnt going to help you move past everything and to get the help you need. If you go into a situation thinking that it wont work, then you are right, it wont. But if you go into a situation thinking that something good can come out of it, then it might. I know that staying positive is not always easy, but its what you need to do if you really want to change.

Please, you do deserve all the help that you want, no matter what the issue is. If you ever want to talk or vent or anything just PM me!


"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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Re: Meh... - June 3rd 2010, 07:56 AM

Just checked this now, I felt bad that I even posted it =/ Still, thanks, that reply really helped a lot ^^;

I guess the reason I'm posting those comments and "beating myself" is because my ex said a lot of those things. She suffered depression too, maybe she thought I had less reason to complain, but when I got depressed or felt alone I used to get a lot of hassle over it ^^;

Deep down I don't blame myself for the break up, I've tried my life to be nice, and even the thought that I'm not being nice would scare me...but she did blame me, it did happen, and she's treating me worse than even the guys in her life who harassed her, and I have zero friends now, and it's left me horribly confused....so when I think...I just don't know. It all seems like it must be my fault.

In a way beating myself has helped me cope, I don't even "allow" myself to be depressed, but deep down I'm miserable. There's a very long story behind the whole break up, it's not just losing a gf, but I also lost one of my closest friends in the world, and I really would love to get it off my mind, but I feel bad for dwelling on it.
Should I post it on the forums or talk to someone about it... or just move on and stop being silly?
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Re: Meh... - June 3rd 2010, 09:23 AM

You should definitely post it on the forums or talk to someone because clearly it is affecting you.
Im sorry that your ex made you feel like you shouldnt have the right to feel depressed. Just because you cant pick out exact things, or major things, that are making you feel depressed, it does not mean that your feelings are less important than someone else's. For example, I have suffered from depression for 6 years (or so) and honestly I dont know why. Nothing traumatic happened to me, I had a good childhood, I had friends at the time, I had family that loved me. I still do this day do not know what caused my depression exactly. Yes little things took place in my life, but they dont seem significant enough to me to have caused the depression I was in. But just because I didnt know the cause, that didnt mean that I wasnt in agony and that I didnt deserve to get help. Because my feelings were real- just like yours are real. And just like I did, you deserve to get help.
Im glad that you posted on here. I know that you feel bad for having posted here but honestly you dont have to. Your feelings are real and what you are going through is difficult. You deserve to reach out and get help during this rough point. You're not being silly so please dont just move on from this- stay strong and remember that you deserve help just as much as the next person.


"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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