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I am fucked, in ALL respects. - June 21st 2010, 02:26 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I am so fucking sick of everything! Why can't I just die? I have nothing going for me.

First and foremost of my colossal list of fuckups is an all consuming, eating disorder. Bulimia. Yes, it is ALL consuming. Last night from when I got home, to when I fell asleep, was spent binge purge binge PURGE! That is from 6pm - 11pm. Of constant binging and purging. Everyday goes like that. Then this morning, I got up early, so I binged and purged for 3 hours. I AM A FUCKING MESSS!

Secondly, I am so exhausted. I fall asleep in classes, and when I am not asleep, I am staring blankly at my book. I have no energy.

I got out of hospital 2 weeks ago for a suicide attempt. Took all of my pills and got very groggy. I went to go to sick bay, when the deputy principal saw me. He knew something was wrong and the first thing he asked me was "on a scale of 1 to 10?" i answered "low" (i dont remmber this, this is just what he has told me) then he helped me down to sick bay and on the way was getting people to call the ambos. Stupid me. I was just planning on going home and dying quietly. The ambos come and my teacher rode in the ambulance with me to the hospital. I dont remmber any of this. I woke up 2 days later in hospital.

So I got a medical certificate for school (because i am in my final year) to extend the time I have for my assignments and exam dates. I hate using it though because I am afraid people will think that I am just abusing it. :/
So I am so stressed about school. When I walked into the office the other day, for the first time since that incident, the principal came up and hugged me. For that moment, I felt like there was SOMEONE who cared.

I have no friends. I got no messages whilst in hospital. I might as well have fallen of the face of the fucking earth. No one would know any different.

What's the point in living? I don't want to live. I don't care about the future. And what's the point when all you do everyday is binge purge binge purge, fall asleep in class, stare blankly, get home binge purge binge fucking PURGEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

I might add that i have ost trumatic stress disorder from a sexual assult and sexual harassment. I can't sleep easily. When I do sleep, I have very vivid nightmare of being raped. I have panic attacks. Because I dont sleep, I only have more dreadedd time for the ED, I cant concentrate at school, my grades are falling, I am indifferent to everything, hallucinate, am hypervigilant and its endles. Why am I writing all this? I guess I am trying to justify my want to die with a feasible explanation.
God help me.

Last edited by .:nat:.; June 21st 2010 at 02:34 PM.
   
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Re: I am fucked, in ALL respects. - June 21st 2010, 04:45 PM

I think you're trying to tackle too many things at once. Take it easy, you're really pushing yourself. I think your first priority is to sort out the bulimia as this is what seems to be bothering you the most. Have you seen anyone about it? It helped me to simply admit my disorder to someone face to face and that's the first step. You also need to figure out your reason for doing it 'cause then you can reason yourself about it.
Next, If your school has a councillor or something, go talk to him/her, or your principal. Tell him/her about how the exams are affecting you, and be honest. Opening up about it can be surprisingly relieving, especially to someone who plays an important role in your life. If you have a school councillor, talk about the dreams and the lack of sleep too 'cause I imagine this is making things a whole lot worse.
What you really need is some time to work things out and relax. You need to look after yourself and remember, it's all gonna work out fine eventually, you just have to work at it, bit by bit, and before you know it, it'll all seem so much better.
   
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