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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Sin Offline
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Im a failure - July 10th 2010, 11:55 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So being in hosp hasnt gone 2 well so far. I went in with the best of intentions but it was just so hard to do what they wanted of me. I found it very hard to talk and open up to people. So my doc said I wasnt being co operative, which upset me because I was trying. Im just not used to talking to people face to face. I never sat in a room and talked about my 'problems' before. So then i got all defensive. All I wanted to do was get out of there.

And I did, Im out on a day pass now. Dont have to go back untill 7 2nite. I cried and cried for this pass. I made so many promises to get this, and here I am now depressed and scared. Although I hated hospital i guess i felt safe there. Ive been out for just over 2 hours and already iv cut I feel like im falling off the edge of a cliff. I dont want to be dependant on a physc hosp. I cant be. Why do i feel so bad? Now all these stupid thoughts are going through my head. Like I should just not go back. Like I should let these feeling take over me. im scared to go back. I broke my promise and self harmed. I feel like giving up, I want to give up. Its just so hard fighting like this all the time

But so many people are looking to me
to be strong and to fight

but i'm just surviving
and I may be weak but I'm never defeated

and I'll keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Im a failure - July 10th 2010, 01:56 PM

First thing to address is that you are NOT a failure. You were trying hard, and just were not used to opening up, and if you asks me they should have understood that.

You should go back, as you do not have to depend on them for life; they are just there to help you get back on your feet.

As for self harm, you just had a slip up and that does not make you a failure, by any means.

If you need anything feel free to PM me.
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Re: Im a failure - July 10th 2010, 03:29 PM

Im so sorry that your having such a tough time with the hospital. It is going to be difficult because you are going to have to get used to what they are asking to do- like being open. The best you can do honestly is to try to open up and do what you need to do if you want the help. I know what its like to be told that your not trying and it hurts- it really does. But as long as you know that you are putting your all into this thats all you can do. Please try to hang in there. I know this isnt the best situation, but try to use the hospital for all that its there for. Your not a failure at all. Just try to stay strong and true to yourself. If you need anything at all PM me if you can.

"Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person." -Gerard Way
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Re: Im a failure - July 11th 2010, 12:42 AM

Don't feel bad, it really honestly isn't your fault at all, you've been far stronger than you might imagine, be proud of yourself for getting this far.

Talking to people about problems is never easy, and a doctor should be able to understand that better than anyone. It isn't your fault. People forcing you to talk doesn't make it easier at all. Try not to take any notice of them and don't blame yourself or feel bad for it, just take your time and work on opening up gradually.

Don't give up, you're honestly a wonderful person, you deserve to be happy and things really can get better. Just slow down and relax and work on getting better at your own pace. Don't let anyone rush you and don't let anyone's opinion trouble you, you're a far better person than you give yourself credit for. You've come this far, you can definitely get through this. Best of luck, take care, and feel free to PM if you ever need someone to talk to.

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