Triggering: I don't even know anymore.

[lexi212]

Sorry, but this is long.
I need help. I'm seeing a counselor once a week for depression and anxiety issues. I wake up every morning and the only thing that gets me out of bed is that I have a puppy that needs taken care of. My mom can't see how sad I am all the time, or if she does, she doesn't show it. All I want to do is lay down with a blanket and sleep. Ever since my moms 2nd divorce, life just doesnt seem right to me. When i cry, I find myself thinking "I want to go home", even though Im laying in my own bed. Im sick of being this way...Snapping at people, pushing them away. I feel like thats all I do anymore. When I smile in pictures, I can tell that its not genuine. It's not in my eyes anymore. They look dull. I just dont feel anything anymore. I cry too much, get angry at nothing, and my good mood can crash so fast its unbelieveable. I just dont have the determination that I used to... My dreams are getting trippy. They feel so real, and often I wake up feeling lonely because I realize Im alone in my bed. I have what would be a good life for anyone else. Good parents, my mom has a house, I just got a car a month ago and I love it... I just feel sick. Literally sick. Homecoming is this weekend, and its my senior year. I dont even want to go. I doubt I'll even be able to stay up past 10pm. Im only going because my boyfriend wants to. He's starting a business, and thats all he ever talks about. I saw my parents' marriage break up because thats all my dad and my step dad cared about, and I see my boyfriend beginning to lean towards that direction. He comes over, and checks his email. Then leaves. Its like Im a business connection and I hate it. I just hate myself. I dont know what to do. I feel like I cant talk about my problems with my counselor...If I do, I'll cry. I dont EVER cry in front of people... Im just lost. I dont even know what to do with myself anymore. Its all hopeless.

[Silver Halide]

First, this is what depression definitely feels like. It's hard to break out of as it will dig its claws into your thinking and warp it. I would most certainly talk to your counselor about all of this. Crying would be the most natural and therapeutic response to how you feel. Do so in front of them. They are the best person for that job, anyway. They seen more people cry on a daily basis than many people see in a month or a year. Plus, they're a very safe person to cry around.

Second, don't project your parent's previous marriages onto your current relationship. Was it the business that drove your parents apart? Probably not. More likely, from the sounds of it, they were incompatible. Many incompatible people tend to date and some even get married. I personally have felt that. I dated someone for years who I was incompatible with and I didn't realize it for a while. We had nothing in common, etc.

With your boyfriend you have so many chances. If he is not the one, so be it. You deserve to be with someone who is completely compatible with you. However, you could talk to him. Share in your fears a little bit. You should be able to trust him.

I doubt he actually sees you as a business connection. Right now he is really interested in this business. Sometimes when people get focused they lose sight of other things around them. How interested are you in his business idea (the implications you've painted from your parent's past relationship aside)? If you are interested in the slightest, let him know. I am sure he'd be thrilled about it.

Finally, you don't need to know what to do. That is the thing about being human. Often times we cannot see the road ahead (or the road ahead is just imagined). However, we still move forward. For times when you are in a hopeless or morose mood remember that.

I hope you feel better soon.

[lexi212]

Thanks... What youre saying makes sense. I just feel lost. I know that things will get better in time, at least I hope so. I just feel horrible because I dont know what to do...About school or life in general. Its so confusing.

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low but please hang in there because it can and will get better with time. Life is full of good and bad but the good, in my opinion, far out weigh the bad.

I want you to know that just because you have a 'good' life doesnt' mean you cannot be sad. There are things that a 'good' life cannot make better. I mean, it helps when you have support and all that but it doesn't mean these feelings are going to just go away and it doesn't mean that you are a bad or ungrateful person for feeling this. way.

I know it is hard to think that your parents cannot understand or do not see what you are going through. I know, I deal with that a lot. I think, sometimes, that my parents don't care because it seems as if they cannot understand or see what I am going through. However, I have realized that my parents don't know how to handle my feelings. See, most parents have this desire to make their childrens lives perfect and to 'fix' the things that make their life hard. However when it comes to things like depression parents cannot fix it and they struggle with it; they feel helpless. What comes off as them not seeing is them not know how to handle the situation and the feelings of helplessness. Maybe that is what your mom is going through right now.

The best advice I can give you in regards to that situation is to talk to your mom and let her know how you are feeling. Also, let her know what she can do to help. If you are unsure of what you want, exactly, sit down and make a list of what your mom and dad can do to help you. Sometimes parents think that if they can't make the problem go away that they cannot do anything to help maybe if you were to explain to your mom that that is not the case it would help her?

As for your boyfriend; definitely don't project your feelings about your parents relationship upon your current relationship because it will get in the way. The business issues might have been a small reason for the break but I don't think it was the only reason, you know? I think you need to try to express to your boyfriend how you are feeling as well; hopefully he can help you through it. It doesn't sound fair that all he does is go to your house, check his email and leave but maybe he doesn't realize he is doing it? When people get really comfortable in a relationship they tend to not, always, realize when they are doing something insentive because they think that their partner knows how much they are cared for. So, reach out to your boyfriend and let him know what is going on. Maybe the two of you could have a date night or when he comes over maybe he can check his email but then stay for a while and just hang out with you. Communication is key.

As for therapy; I hated therapy for the longest time because I didn't want to cry and there were times I held back because of that. However, I have found a therapist that I can really connect with and it helped so much. I slowly started opening up to her and there was one time that I broke down. My therapist didn't look down upon me or anything, she got up and got me some tissue and let me cry. Therapy is a great place to open up and cry and get out your issues. I know it can be hard but the more open you are with your therapist the more he/she can help you. And, yes, you might cry sometimes but therapist see that all the time, they are used to it and they can understand it. You should not be ashamed of crying and you should not let it hold you back. Therapy can be such a great tool if you take advantage of it. It is a slow process to get comfortable with your therapist but once you do you really will start to feel more comfortable with crying and you will get the help that you need.

Please hang in there and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna