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Angry I wish i didnt have to live... - November 16th 2010, 07:07 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have no idea where to start... Im 16 years old and i have a lot of regrets... id do stupid things like steal money from my mom, grandparesnts etc..... im so ashamed of myself! i cant explain it! im such a terrible person.... i cheat on any boyfriend i can get....im a whore.. i sleep around,.., i cant stand to look at myself in the mirror sometimes, thats how ashamed i get.... i have dissapointed my parents so much.... cops calling them at all hours of the night telling them im in trouble or being put in the drunk tank...I JUST CANT TAKE IT! even though its the past, i cant stop dwelling on it..i used to be a chronic cutter.. i would have to cut everytime i had a A bad feeling or angry or depressed...... im ashamed... i hurt my mom so much by doing that.... i still want to do it so bad... i really want to die . i cant stop thinkin about death...or what it would be like to be dead... or what my mom and dad and the rest of the family would think or act when i die....i am emotionless..sometimes im so depressed that i cant cry.. no matter how much i want to..i feel numb.. its so hard to explain..sorry if im rambling . i have so much things about my life that i hate and that make me so sad...on feb 14 i was diagnosed with juvinile rumertoird arthritis. it was TERRIBLE. i couldnt go to school for about 2 months.. couldnt walk eat, lost over[edited] my whole entire body swelled up.. it was the most terrible time of my life.but at the same time i liked it because it made me and my mom closer.. like i know that sounds pretty weird or messed but its true... it made me realize my mom loves me..i just wish i could slit my wrists and die.. i garentee if i had my sharp razor blades i could kiill myself.. its something i should have done a long time ago...i have no idea what to do..im such a dissapointment


sometimes i wanna give up....

Last edited by .:Bibliophile:.; November 18th 2010 at 04:09 AM. Reason: Removing weight numbers.
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Re: I wish i didnt have to live... - November 16th 2010, 05:42 PM

hey there lynn, i think you are really strong because your still here. many people have died struggling with their life, and look where they are now? 6 feet under.. how is that gna help them in any way? but others have gotten better, they've got help and turned their lives right way round and are now alot better than what they'd ever thought they'd be. the fact that you are still here shows that you have that little ounce of strength somewhere in your body and you should use that to make yourself better. that tiny inkling of strength may be all it takes for you to start going back up in life and give you something to live for. think of your future, you want a good job, boyfriend, house, a good life.. imagine what your death would do to your mum.. the fact that she was affected by your athritis and you realised that she loves you, shows that she's very close to you and this means that your death would affect her too. it woud be a very tragic loss to her and your family and friends. there are ways out of these problems, many ways out. it takes alot of time and patience but both are on your side..remeber one thing, no matter how down you go in life, there is always a way back up even if you can't see it.. you're not a disappointment babe, believe in yourself..xxx
   
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Re: I wish i didnt have to live... - November 16th 2010, 05:49 PM

in this world that surrounds us we sometimes break down and fall.
those who stand above us can make us feel so small.
we tremble under the weight of the problems that hold us down
and when we start to collapse there seems to be no-one around
we try to fight in this world that always seems to fight back.
sometimes we're not strong enough though there are too many things welack
we'll hide away in corners and put upon ourselves pain
but there's no escape from this life we all must suffer the same
but no-ones perfect and no-one's the same
we're in this world together and we all play the same game.
we all get these bad times each and every one of us
but i promise it will get better just don't you give up
but when you do feel like giving up please just remember this
you can die at any time but it takes a strong person to live...xx
   
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Re: I wish i didnt have to live... - November 16th 2010, 06:12 PM

thanks---- my first name is really mercedes lol..


sometimes i wanna give up....
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Re: I wish i didnt have to live... - November 16th 2010, 06:13 PM

This is definatly a big one. Well here it goes, You've got a lot on your plate to feel regrets about. I'm sorry for that. Usually things like this happen because you are having trouble being social in proper ways and have little support from the people around you. I have no doubt your parents love you. But because something happened to make you feel so socially awkward, you have resorted to what you think may be the nly way to be known. Sex is a complicated thing. It can be manipulated and twisted to whoever wants it that way. What you need is a strat over process. I know it's much to bare, but you have two years till you can free yourself of the life you live in. When the time comes, move out. Go far away where people don't know your name or who you are and start over. Get a therapist to start you off in this new direction. Tell him or her that your not happy with your life and your ready to ateart feom the beginning again. It can and will happen if you let it. Then get a job, keep your cool, and make new friends. Don't go to many clubs or meet up with whatever boy comes along, just have friends. For now, try and repair your relationship with your parents. Tell tem you want the help to save your life. Even if it's a school counselor. Just ignore those who have helped you become a monster, and know your here to chane your life now.
   
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Re: I wish i didnt have to live... - November 17th 2010, 03:49 PM

sorry lol.. well hope your feeling bit better mercedes, feel free to pm me whenever.. you can win this you know.. take care...xxx
   
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Re: I wish i didnt have to live... - November 17th 2010, 04:28 PM

Mercedes,
I am really sorry that you feel this way. It can never be easy dealing with the past. We all have pasts. Do you know why you acted out the way that you did? There are some possible reasons as to why you did these things. It's possible that you could be missing something from your life. It could be anything; love, affection, stability, etc. If you think about it right now, you might be able to figure it out, or you might not. That is where therapy comes in handy. I feel like you would be best off to try out therapy. They are trained to help you come up with tools and tricks to feel better. You may feel like your life has spun out of control. In result of that, you contemplate death. I promise you that you have so much to live for. You are 16. Your life is still going. It won't hurt forever, the pain anyhow. A therapist will also help you to figure out and understand things about yourself and why you do things that you do.

The things that you did/do are HUGE things, and matter big time. I don't think that they matter as much as WHY you did them. If you could get to the root of why you do/did these things, then you more then likely will change the behavior. You have to want to change though. You have to be willing to put in the work to change, as it won't be easy. It is worth it though. I would like to say that you are very strong for pulling through life and not giving into temptation. I am going to link you to some things on this website that can help you out. Check them out, just read over them.

Reasons to live:
http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-d...-reasons-live/

Alternatives to Self Harm:
http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/

Mercedes, please feel free to always use the forums when you want/need to. There are also some features of TeenHelp that you might find useful. We have a Live Help system, that allows you to get one on one, live help with a Live Help operator. There is also HelpLINK. You can post an email in there, and only the HelpLINK mentors can see. You can also private message me any time you need to.

Take care of yourself.
-Lyndsee


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Re: I wish i didnt have to live... - November 18th 2010, 04:19 AM

Hey there,

I don't think you are a disappointment to your parents. I think there are times when we feel as if we let our parents down but a lot of the time that is far from the truth. I am sure sometimes your parents worry about you but that is a lot different than letting them down. Parents worry about their kids all the time; I think it is a natural instinct. Try not to focus on you being a disappointment to them because I doubt that is the case. You even said that you know your mom loves you so try focusing on that love. Instead of keeping all these feelings locked up inside try reaching out to your parents and let them know what you are going through. While they might not be able to take away all the pain you are struggling through they can help support you through the fight.

Have you ever considered going to counseling? It might be a great way to slowly work on dealing with your emotions. It sounds to me like you have a lot of pent up emotions and if you could get them out you just might start to feel better. The more you deal with your emotions head on the better you can start to feel. When we hold on to things they build up and become overwhelming so instead of letting all of it build up and overwhelm you try dealing with it head on. It won't be easy to do but it will be worth it in the end.

I have trouble expressing my emotions and something that I have found that helps with that is journaling. I write about whatever is on my mind and am able to vent quite a bit. Do you think you could consider keeping a journal? I know journaling doesn't work for everyone but if you could find ways to express your emotions you might start to feel better. And, journaling can be a great way to do that.

As for the past; it can be hard to let go of the things of the past but it is possible. I think the best way to heal from the past is by communicating about it. Find someone to talk to and express to them how you feel about your past. If you can talk about the regrets you have in regards to your past you can slowly work on healing and moving on. Don't beat yourself up over the past because we all do things we aren't proud of at times but that does not make us bad people.

Remember you are perfect just the way you are. I bet your parents and the rest of your family love you as you are. They might not like seeing you struggle like you are but that does not mean they don't love you. Try and love yourself.

I hope this helped and if you need anything please feel free to use teenhelps many resources.

Jenna


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Re: I wish i didnt have to live... - November 18th 2010, 06:18 AM

i think first off that you are a very strong person because you are still here and you are reaching out for help, i know that you are also a strong person and also there are people who so care about you, and i understand where you are coming from because i used to be a cutter and sometimes still am, but your mom seems as a such a cool person and willing to help you.

i see you have been given the site for alternatives and reasons to live, also i am here if you ever want to talk, i also know know that your parents arent going to hate you or have anything agnist you, for your past.

I would also talk to your mom about going to talking to a therapist to try working with someone and so you can have someone else to talk to when you need to

Theresa
   
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