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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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i dont deserve to live - December 19th 2010, 07:57 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

well a couple of weeks ago my mom and i got in to a BIG fight
i was taking my brother and sister to my grandmaswho lives like an hour away it was at night and my mom was tired from working all day she told me not to go over the speed limit (i was driving) while i was driving at the speed limit she kept telling me that i was speeding whitch i wasnt (she was half asleep) she was yelling at me by the time i got to my grandmas we droped off my brother and sister and went back home while i was still driving she was yelling at me not to speed i was going 65 in a 70 by now i was getting really mad i had to stop at my other grandmas whitch was closer to my house and on the way i had to pick up my meds and my cloths (i was at her house the night before) my grandparents werent home and i told her just to leave me there at there house so i could have my pills she got really mad and yelled at me to get in the car and take us home as i was driving home my mom said something to me and i got really mad and i crossed the road and pulled over and got out and started to walk back to my grandparents house and now my mom was yelling at the top of her voice to get back in the car so for some reason i got back into the car (she was in the drivers seat now and i was in the passengers) she said that i was a patheric pece of shit and i lost controal and pined her to the side of the car with my forearm to her throat and i was yalling at her asking why she was yelling at me and why she called me a pece of shit i was yelling at her for about 5 min and i got off her and sat down i was shaking with adrennilen by now and she started driving home while she was driving i tride to jump out of the car but she speeded up and i couldnt get the door open enough to get out she said she was going to call the cops on me and i can go to the D home and she said i was out of the house by this time we were home and she said that i cant come in and she dosnt want to see my fucken face again and she left me outside and she went in and locked me out i called my grandma (she got home) to pick me up and she did
now im back in the house and i feel like shit the way i yelled at my mom
and now she says i dont deserve anything at all and i feel really bad i feel like i dont deserve to live if all i do is hurt all the people around me every day i ask my self if this is going to be the day that i am going to kill my self since then i started cutting and i just want to die
please help me Harley
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 19th 2010, 09:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by harley View Post
well a couple of weeks ago my mom and i got in to a BIG fight
i was taking my brother and sister to my grandmaswho lives like an hour away it was at night and my mom was tired from working all day she told me not to go over the speed limit (i was driving) while i was driving at the speed limit she kept telling me that i was speeding whitch i wasnt (she was half asleep) she was yelling at me by the time i got to my grandmas we droped off my brother and sister and went back home while i was still driving she was yelling at me not to speed i was going 65 in a 70 by now i was getting really mad i had to stop at my other grandmas whitch was closer to my house and on the way i had to pick up my meds and my cloths (i was at her house the night before) my grandparents werent home and i told her just to leave me there at there house so i could have my pills she got really mad and yelled at me to get in the car and take us home as i was driving home my mom said something to me and i got really mad and i crossed the road and pulled over and got out and started to walk back to my grandparents house and now my mom was yelling at the top of her voice to get back in the car so for some reason i got back into the car (she was in the drivers seat now and i was in the passengers) she said that i was a patheric pece of shit and i lost controal and pined her to the side of the car with my forearm to her throat and i was yalling at her asking why she was yelling at me and why she called me a pece of shit i was yelling at her for about 5 min and i got off her and sat down i was shaking with adrennilen by now and she started driving home while she was driving i tride to jump out of the car but she speeded up and i couldnt get the door open enough to get out she said she was going to call the cops on me and i can go to the D home and she said i was out of the house by this time we were home and she said that i cant come in and she dosnt want to see my fucken face again and she left me outside and she went in and locked me out i called my grandma (she got home) to pick me up and she did
now im back in the house and i feel like shit the way i yelled at my mom
and now she says i dont deserve anything at all and i feel really bad i feel like i dont deserve to live if all i do is hurt all the people around me every day i ask my self if this is going to be the day that i am going to kill my self since then i started cutting and i just want to die
please help me Harley
Hello Harley,

experiences such as this helps us learn about those around us and about ourselves, our boundaries, our limits with others, etc. I can understand how you are feeling remorseful. However, what she said about you and what you are worth is her opinion. You don't have to take her words to define who you are. People will always define us with words, but in the end what matters is how you define yourself.
  Send a message via MSN to ~Phantom~  
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 20th 2010, 12:45 AM

Wow=( Thats big. I am really sorry you had such a rough day=( I understand why you'd be upset over this. But we have to put the events of the past behind us. Yes it was not a great thing but she was yelling at you too and that was unnessisary. Don't beat yourself up over it, everyone has hard days and makes mistakes. You DO deserve to live, don't say that. I think what you should do is sit down with your mom and talk about it. Say you are sorry for what happen and say it will never happen again and try to go from there. I hope things work out. Message me if you ever need to.


   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 20th 2010, 01:14 AM

I'll start by saying that you do deserve to live

It's always hard to forgive yourself after saying something you regret... I've had to do that many times. I always feel absolutely horrible once I realize my wording was wrong or I've said something in anger. It's a terrible feeling.

But, it also lets you know that you have the ability to feel remorse. You feel bad for what you did and that's a good thing. I hope you will be able to reconcile with your mother.

I wish there was something I could say that would really help you, but I don't know if there is. I love you so much, and wouldn't want any harm to come to you. Please don't kill yourself ): We'd all miss you so much!

I really hope you're ok- feel free to send a message at anytime

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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 20th 2010, 04:22 AM

Feeling remorse doesnt make you a monster.

People without remorse for their actions are monsters.

You didnt mean to do what you did, and something else deeper than this situation cause you to react that way.

Talk to your Mum.

And hun, please realise that you arent a bad or horrible person for doing what you did, your mum also needs to apologise, you dont deserve to be treated like that either.

Im not sure on the history between your mother and yourself, but you two really need to talk by the sounds of it.

Don't end it, so many people Including your mum would miss you.
Your not a bad person, your a hurting person.
And we are here to help you.

You're worth more than suicde. Don't give into it.
   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 20th 2010, 05:45 AM

thank you for all the kind words but she keeps on saying that i dont deserve anything at all it is like she is poking a burning sharp stick in an open wound every time she says it and i cant handle it anymore
   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 20th 2010, 05:47 AM

In that case hun,
your mother is the one taht needs help.

She gave life to a beautiful person such as yourself.
and now she says things like this.

Get her to a councellor.
   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 20th 2010, 06:13 AM

Maybe it would be best to stay with your grandmother for a while=( Your grandma may be able to get her some help or talk to her about what's been going on and how it has been effecting you.


   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 21st 2010, 12:17 AM

I try to go to my grand parents but it just puts me in deeper shit because my mom didn't want me to go over there


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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 21st 2010, 02:31 AM

I promise you that a parent like that does by no means make someone such as yourself worthless or worth dying. I can only imagine how it must feel to be verbally prodded like that when it's still an open wound but I promise you it's just a human being a human and what she says are just words. No matter how harsh or misguided the things she says are (and they are misguided), you are better than that and you always will be. She can say all the things she wants but none of those words change the fact that they're wrong. You deserve to live and you deserve to be happy. The one thing you don't deserve is this torment.


"What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other?"
-George Eliot

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
-Groucho Marx

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin."
-Grace Hansen
   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 21st 2010, 04:21 AM

=( I think if you were with them though, things would be a lot better. She can't expect you to want to stay with her if she is acting like a 4 year old.


   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 21st 2010, 06:37 PM

^
Ditto? Haha.


"What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other?"
-George Eliot

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
-Groucho Marx

"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin."
-Grace Hansen
   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 21st 2010, 07:24 PM

I can understand how that must be really difficult for you. Nobodys perfect, and what you did was done in a sudden burst of anger, which cant be helped. WishfulWings is right, there is a big communication problem between you two and it needs to be resolved. Dont feel aweful about what you did, it was human nature to react negatively to the way she was treating you. No matter what she says, the best thing is not to get angry (even if you feel it).

I think family therapy could be a good option. Even if its just the two of you, it would give you space to hear each others point of view and to listen to each other. Its not your fault, your going through a lot of bad things at the moment. Just hang in there.


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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 22nd 2010, 07:04 AM

thank you everyone for all the kind words things are getting a bit better now i took your guys advice and went to my grandmas and my mom and i have an appoitment with a therapist next week tuesday thank you all very much for your help


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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 22nd 2010, 07:08 AM

I am glad things are doing better=) Told you it would be okay in the end=)


   
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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 22nd 2010, 04:11 PM

things are not ok but thay are on the way to getting better


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Re: i dont deserve to live - December 22nd 2010, 05:50 PM

i know how you feel but u got to hang in there maybe go live with ur grandparents instead my real mom done almost the same thing but i live with my dad and step mom i was taken away from her so i dont have a mom even thou i have a step mom but there is someone out there who cares and wants you and will cry over u if u die so try to get throu it and i dont blame u for yelling at ur mom she got u mad and i prob do the same thing cuz i get mad easily but it will get worse before it can get better
feel free to pm or vm me bcuz someone does care even when it dosent feel like it




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Yourself.

Iím catching stars in the sky because I am fixing the soul within me. May it be from the heart a girl broke years ago or my soul simply repairing itself as it was shattered on my walk on this earth. May the stardust fill those cracks within my soul making me brand new, but never forgetting who I once was.


   
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