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Officialis Offline
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Name: Gage Smith
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Location: North Carolina

Posts: 1
Join Date: April 17th 2011

Unhappy Inner Turmoil - April 17th 2011, 10:12 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I guess I should start with hello, I appreciate anyone taking the time to read my ranting.

Backstory; My parents went through a divorce when I was around nine years old but the actual time is cloudy as is most of my past. My father is an extremely caring man, willing to listen and help most anyone to a fault. My mother is also caring but she is nowhere near as emotional and has always seemed distant to me. Their divorce did not affect me as some might think... In fact I felt very little of any emotion on the subject and still can't understand that. My mother left to be with another man, he had a boy nearly the same age as me so I was delighted to meet him of course. We got along well. Now, as is obvious a nine year old would have an extremely hard time choosing between both of his parents as I did, so I played to both of their sides. When I was with my mother I would say that I wanted to live with her and the same with my father. Eventually around the age of twelve my mother found out about this and simply stopped coming to pick me up on the week-ends. I was baffled as to why she would do this, but again I felt
very little emotion on the subject. My life went on as usual until around the age of fourteen. Now, I have been praised for my intellect since a very young age though I'd like to see myself as humble. As I grew older I began to notice that I didn't fit in with any of the others in my school, I couldn't identify with them and in truth they didn't know many of the words I used. I have since been attempting to use less archaic words. In any case, I drifted away from all of my friends because I wasn't very athletic and I didn't like to be in any clubs, here in my area there are many religious Christians and I am agnostic. Younger people being as they are, they were (and still are) very zealous about their religion and I can respect that. I seem to be pulled away from the norms of society. At this point I have absolutely no friends and I can't say I have ever had a true friend that I could tell.. Well, much of anything to. Clearly most people would be lonely after such a time, and to my surprise there was a girl willing to give me a chance. My self-control problems screwed that up, and I still have mixed feelings on the fact that she lied to me continuously but justified it with "I didn't want to hurt you." Sometimes I think back in anger at her, sometimes at myself. I like to think of myself as having two sides of my personality; nice and mean. Since I have been made fun of for a plethora of reasons through out my life I defaulted to the mean side and seem to have developed it a good bit, but my nice side is still in it's infancy. I am cold on the surface and don't like to trust people, but my instinct when I feel that I can is to throw my problems on to them and this usually gets me cut down before I have a chance to show them how I am. In any case, I understand it is extremely hard to have a relationship in your teens because of any number of things.

Very recently I started playing an MMORPG lately called Rift, and hit it off with an extremely nice woman. (Albeit a fair bit older than me I have stated that my mind seems to be more mature than most my age.) She showered me with praise because of how genuine I was, saying she had never heard such kind things from any man. Despite the fact that she has had much.. past experience with men which is usually an extreme turn-off for me, I found myself wanting to be with her more and more. As I found out just after telling her of my feelings she has a boyfriend and because of her past she was settling on him even though he wasn't what she truly wanted, as she says I am. She seemed to be oblivious to my feelings as she told me how he came over almost every night and how she would do things for him even though she didn't want to because she is naturally submissive. This causes me
immense pain and to be truthful when I feel that pain I sometimes wish I could. After this had gone on for a while I gently explained the situation to her and said it simply wasn't right to play him or use my heart as a pinata, going to great lengths to point out the things I viewed as illogical in her actions. She told me constantly how much she wanted to be with me and didn't want to be with him and yet she hangs me out to dry and goes with him? She kept telling me how much she wanted to be with me but that she had been hurt by so many people and waited for so long that she didn't want to anymore. We do not live in the same state, and she doesn't want to wait for anyone. She said that she simply couldn't allow her heart to love. This caused me agony beyond any definition, I understand her plight but I have told her countless times that I would do what it takes and asked her to give me a way to prove it to no avail. She told me she can't give me the relationship I want with her "now or in the near future" which translates to 'ever' in my mind. I have refused to give up on her despite my mind screaming out, telling me it is a foolish endeavor and it shall only grant me more potential pain.

Now we come to the root of my problems: I can't feel my emotions. I get a bit of the extreme pain and anger when I am feeling that way but it's as if I have a dampener on my heart and it completely nullifies most things. Even while saying I wanted to be with her as I do I felt the dampener still there. It was weak, but still there. I now find myself depressed because of my apparent emptiness, and she has suggested that perhaps I simply have so many emotions bottled up that they are causing a massive conflict between my heart and mind and I mistake this for being an unfeeling husk. I can't even rightly call my being a life, more an existence if I am simply to roam around mimicking normal peoples' emotional responses. I know how I
should feel but I can't feel it. Lately I have found myself contemplating ending my life, but I know most rational people would be against such a thing so I seek help. I do not know why I lack my feelings. I see nothing in my past that is so traumatic as to have done this to me. My family is so kind and yet I can't bring myself to go to them and ask for help, nor do they have any idea of my problems. I disappoint myself on a daily basis, and everything seems bland.. My inner turmoil will not give me peace and I feel nothing but agony. Any advice on the multitude of problems I am experiencing will be welcome. I've tried everything to get away. I have no idea how to deal with this. I need help else I expect I will do something I won't have the ability to regret..

First we must note that all men which work beyond nature are deceivers and work in an unlawful manner. Furthermore, of man nothing is born but man, and of a brute beast nothing but a brute beast, and every like bringeth forth nothing but his like.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
the.real Offline
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Name: Paige
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Re: Inner Turmoil - April 18th 2011, 02:13 AM

Wow. I read your entire "rant", and I was amazed at how alike you and I are. Both you and I have been alienated from our peers by way of intellect, seem to lack the normal human ability to feel emotion, and appear to be depressed. I think we would get along quite well. Aside from that, I don't think that your problems are all too uncommon in people. Many people suffer from an inability to feel emotions as they probably should. It can be disturbing at times, yes, but sometimes it can be a useful thing, as emotions can often lead to mistakes, feelings of failure, and ridiculous errors. However, complete lack of emotion is something that should be discussed with a doctor, in case it is a more serious problem than I have deemed it in this response. Perhaps my indifference to this issue is biased, as I too am inflicted. If you don't wish to discuss this with your family, then don't. It is your private business, and they really don't have the right to know if you don't want them to. Good luck, hang in there, and if you ever feel the need to talk, I'm available. Don't do anything severe.
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