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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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BlueWolf Offline
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Failure. - April 22nd 2011, 02:57 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It's Earth Day.... my favorate day of the year and today is the day that reality has set in for me. My dream was to become a wildlife biologist even since I was in fourth grade. I'm obsessed with wildlife and nature and I absolutely hate the world and most of the people in it. My heart belongs there and only there.

The problem is, I'm not good in school, but despite that I work my ass off to do my best. In high school my grades weren't too good due to the fact that my depression and other things ran my life and I could not function. I simply got through the day trying not to cut too much. I'm currently at a smaller University than the ONLY COLLEGE IN THE STATE that offers my dream degree. But I would transfer with good grades. My desire was what kept me fighting through all my pain as well as my desperation for that degree. It's the ONLY thing that keeps me going. My grades were better than they ever were the first semester and it looked as though I was going to make good enough grades to transfer, but the next semester came and I started doing even worse. Still, I kept fighting and now... my grades are sooo far down... they are not good enough for me to transfer. There are no other classes I can take that will transfer to the school either except three, and even in I get As in those, it won't be enough to help my crippling F in Trig. I've already made the calculations and my adviser laughed when I told her I wanted to go to UGA. Is it really that funny that that's where I have to go?

Now, I'm about to go home to my room decorated in wolf and horse posters and such. Go home to my collection of 15 large animal books that I have collected and stuffed animals, my collection of 25 animal documentaries and know that it'll never happen... my reason that I don't want to commit suicide is gone. What is my wall to keep me from crossing that line? There isn't one.

Life flat out sucks and I'm sure lots of people will agree with me on that. I know things could be worse. Hey, I could get a loan and go out of state right? No... my mom has no job and nor do I. We can't get a loan without one. Student loans don't need jobs... but for a place to stay I will need one and there's the problem. It's not like I haven't been looking either, and soon, my mom and I will be kicked out if we don't think of something by the end of the year. My dad MIGHT help out to a degree, but not without inflicting emotional damage on me as always. Nothing is worth listening to him anymore. I'm done.

I've looked at all my options and everyone tells me I just need to change my degree. To what? I don't give a fuck about anything else. I feel at such a loss. I don't feel like I've just lost my dream. No... my dream was also to be a great hose back rider and own a horse, but that costs more money that I think I'll ever have. Not being able to do that hurts yes, but not like this. I feel like I've lost the world I've lived in. Loving animals, learning about them, and all.... it's like I've lost my way of life because it revolved around preparing for that future that has slipped away between my fingers like sand.

Now that I'm actually realizing this... all the things I thought mattered a lot really don't. My boyfriend for example. I thought I could stay alive for him and my family, but why? So I can suffer for them? Call mem selfish all you want, but it's not worth it for me.

I feel like I have lost everything, I have lost myself.

It's Earth Day, my favorate day and perhaps the day I shall leave.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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Re: Failure. - April 22nd 2011, 08:27 PM

You're only 19, dreams are designed (in most cases) to be hard to achieve, so don't let yourself down at the first barrier of not being successful. You also can't expect everything to go your own way in life either, you just have to accept that when it doesn't go your way, that you just adjust your lifestyle to the unexpected. Life isn't all flowers and glory, besides I think you'll have more respect for yourself if you continue with life and fight against the things you dislike. Now I don't mean physically fight, or go against people, more along the lines of being strong and continuing in life. Why should I? You may say, why the hell not.

Think of it this way, with every disappointed outcome you face in life you cannot resort to self-harm. It's just not right because there are millions of disappoints one person can face. I just think if you stay strong about the things you dislike and the fact your dreams are further to reach than you anticipated I think you'll get somewhere. Dreams aren't meant to be easy, unless you're just lucky.

Just know, you've lost nothing.
   
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Re: Failure. - April 22nd 2011, 09:07 PM

Hey Jessica,

As Matt points out, you're only 19 - there's no time limit on becoming a wildlife biologist as far as I know and the fact that you can't get onto the degree right now doesn't mean you won't be able to in the future at all. People chop and change their plans all the way through adulthood, and a lot go back to university in their 30s and 40s to retrain as well. The best thing to do is look at your options as to how to get into the position where you can get onto the degree and qualify for the career - there is often more than one way of doing these things. One option might be to make yourself known to local wildlife agencies or organisations and ask them for advice - they'll have had to get through the system as well so are best placed to steer you in the right direction. Above all else, don't give up: setbacks with your career are never pleasant, as I've found as well, but you can still get to where you want to be as long as you're determined enough. You have the love for wildlife and that's the most important part for this career choice - getting onto the degree is merely a question of resolving the issues and there are ways to do that. If you're on low income in particular the state or university should have financial support, for example.

Hope some of that helps and take care.


"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

However bleak things seem, however insurmountable the darkness appears, remember that you have worth and nothing can take that away.

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Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart! View Post
If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
RIP Nick
   
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BlueWolf Offline
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Re: Failure. - April 23rd 2011, 02:08 AM

Disppointments come to me one after another, but the thing that has kept me going was the dream that's been crushed. I don't see it ever changing either. This is not just a dream I've lost, but my way of life and everything I have known. It's like... now I just have to re-program everything in my brain because it torments me so much everything I think about and even just being in my room now is depressing. I have nothing to do, because most of everything I did revolved around animals. It was literally my life and I really liked it. It got me through, but now I don't have that. It's just... I'm feeling extreamely lost. I don't know what to do. I can't go back much later in life either. My grades won't change in the next so many years, and the requirements will only increase. Not even more classes will help because they won't transfer. This is the one disappointment I don't know how to deal with nor am I willing to on top of everything else.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
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Re: Failure. - April 23rd 2011, 06:07 AM

I think grades are deceiving in life. I don't know if you have heard of Virgin, but the founder, Richard Branson; based on what my parents have told me... He had the poorest grades as a teen, and his teachers said he'd be worthless in life due to his dyslexia, but now he is the founder of a famous and rich company. I don't think you should rely on what your grades say, because at the end of the day its experience that counts the most.
   
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