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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
maustasche Offline
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Exclamation Please someone, I dont know whats wrong I need help. Severe Depression/Anxiety/Suicidal Thoughts - May 8th 2011, 06:20 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have become so lost and I can't even see a point anymore.

I don't know where to start.
My mom hates me, I am lonely, I am so depressed, I am cutting again and I just want to die. I am a failure.

all yesterday I was in quite a bad mood. I was at a rehearsal for a musical I am in, and I sat alone in the seats and cried, no one even noticed. I went out to the hall and cried for no reason. I was miserable the whole time, but no one noticed. My mom tried talking to me, but I was in such a bad mood I did not reply. I guess she was worried because I woke up this morning to my mom sobbing, handing me a phone.

A woman on the phone told me my mom read my journal and got worried about the things I was writing about. I accidentally left it out last night instead of taking it to my room like I planned.

It took me an hour to convince the woman I was not suicidal or self harming (but I am?)

My mom then got mad. She called me selfish and worthless, and got mad at me for wanting to be alone. She said she never signed up for this stress, and told me she has dealt with a lot worse in life but was not as selfish as i am. which made me feel great.

my mom hates me.

I am so lonely. I have like four friends, none of which even like me. They go places and don't invite me. They ignore me. They talk about me behind my back.

It has been months since anyone showed interest in me at all.
On April 29th, I got very drunk at a party. So drunk I blacked out.
The boy I like was there, and according to a close friend of the boys, I guess we were talking and I asked him to sleep with me. Over and over and over. He said no, I got angry, and told him it was because I was fat and ugly and no one will ever love me or want to sleep with me, then I told him I really liked him and he will never like me back. I threw up all over him and all over the place for the rest of the night and he took care of me as I threw up and took me to a bed. He is so sweet. So beyond sweet.

He ignored me for the rest of the week and I ignored him. I apologized to him on Friday and he was very nice with it. But it is so obvious he is not into me. Just like everyone else I have ever been interested in.

I got caught in a very nasty lie this week. It's stressing me out so much. A lie because I wanted some attention.

My mom fought so hard to make sure I was on the grad list this year, after I messed up with some correspondence work that made sure I wouldn't graduate. I have told her I have been doing it, but I cant. I cant do it. I dont understand it. It needs to be done tomorrow. I cant hand in half a course by tomorrow. I dont know what is going on. She is calling me a failure and stupid and telling me not to bother. I want to die. I cant do it. I cant I cant I cant. I wont even graduate on time.

I have panic attacks so bad I cant move. My heart throbs, like it is broken, and i feel like i should cry but i cant. Nothing comes out. I have become so numb and I cut because it makes the feeling go away.

I'm on medication for depression but it's not working.

I just want to die.

Nothing is right and I dont know what to do I need help and I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to.

Last edited by maustasche; May 8th 2011 at 06:40 PM.
   
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Re: Please someone, I dont know whats wrong I need help. Severe Depression/Anxiety/Suicidal Thoughts - May 8th 2011, 06:52 PM

First off, you can talk to me anytime if you need someone to talk to. I'm here to listen. I know it might be really hard to do, but from past experience, I think it would make things a little easier to tell your mom whats really going on and how you really feel. Also, maybe talk to your doctor about the medication you're taking and see if there's something else. One thing that has helped me when I feel the way you're feeling, is to just think about the positive things in my life. I don't know if I'm even making sense anymore, but I'm here if you just need someone to talk to.
   
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Re: Please someone, I dont know whats wrong I need help. Severe Depression/Anxiety/Suicidal Thoughts - May 8th 2011, 06:57 PM

I have talked to her about it this morning. All she did was call me selfish and a liar and many other names. She doesn't care about me at all. She doesn't believe in me.

She finds every way she can to make me the bad guy and her the victim.
I cant handle it anymore.

Nothing is okay.
   
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Re: Please someone, I dont know whats wrong I need help. Severe Depression/Anxiety/Suicidal Thoughts - May 8th 2011, 07:11 PM

I am sorry that she would treat you that way. I think no mother should ever talk to their kids like that. You're already feeling unhappy and she's just making it worse for you. Do you have any other family nearby that you can go to? That always helped me and gave me a little break from my mom. You can keep talking to me on here and I'll try to help you if I can. I just don't want you to hurt yourself. I know it's hard right now, but it will get better.
   
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