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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Desire For Suicide - May 9th 2011, 03:13 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I feel bad for posting this when there are other people who deserve help more than me.

My life was wasted. The last time I was truly happy was years ago, and that seems like a lifetime ago. It doesn't even seem like that was the same person I am now. People always say these are the best times of my life...and my teen years are ending soon. If life goes downhill from here, then I don't want to live through it. My life has been at rock bottom for years - to picture it getting worse is a nightmare.


I have so many problems with me I feel like I am too much trouble for even myself to fight for, let alone someone else. I just want to cut my losses...I have 3 possible scenarios: I will either go onto my next life, which would inevitably be better than this one. I will go to Hell, I have thought about this and recently I decided as bad as it is, this life is worse. Or things will just go black for eternity, again, better than this life. I only have something to gain from suicide - why not do it?


The number of friends I have is 0. In school I would always be the person in the group who everyone made fun of. I understood they were just having fun at my expense. I only took it because I wanted to at least think I had friends. Even though looking back now at everything, I didn't.

I have been an 'awkward skinny kid' almost the majority of my life now, I am 19 and I never got over the 'awkward' stage of puberty. I look awkward, I feel awkward doing the most trivial things in life, whether its walking down the street or simply picking up an object. As bad as it is, it's increased 10x's when talking to the opposite sex, and I'm not 12, I'm freaking 19 for christs sake, it's pathetic. I feel incredibly embarrassed when I see someone 14, 15, 16 and they are always insanely more socially mature than me. Even though I've never had it, my sex drive is like a roller coaster, constantly going from one extreme to the other. I wish at least I was a 'nerd', but I am not a smart person either, I always did extremely bad in school. I have 'self diagnosed' severe anxiety, no friends. Even in a family setting, with the only people who care about me, I feel as awkward speaking and moving as I do with strangers.

I eat just as much, and just as bad as the average person - yet my body looks like a holocaust victims'. People constantly berate me for being anorexic. I can fit my thumb and forefinger around my wrist in a circle, I haven't worn a T shirt in years because of it. I have tried going to the gym and I can increase muscle, but I cannot change bone, and I will be like this forever. This increases my awkwardness 100x's. I will be like this forever and I don't want to, the only solution is to end it.


I've thought about calling a suicide hotline for help, it was no surprise I chickened out. I can't even order a pizza for god sakes. I feel embarrassed enough typing this on the internet anonymously, talking to someone over the phone about it is a nightmare. I could never tell anyone how I feel. I would rather explain to my mother the intricate details of sexual intercourse than tell her about this. I play a number of instruments, watch TV or listen to music - that's what my entire life was every day after school, and ever since I graduated, that is what it has been every day since.


I have no job, no drivers license, no goals or prospects. I still live with my parents, never leave my house and generally feel like a worthless sack of shit. The gift of life was wasted on me of all people. I have so much self hate and self loathing. I have been self harming recently. I burn the outside of my thighs and cut my arms. It would be so easy and so pleasant to just run a bath, open up my veins completely and fall asleep in the warmth.
   
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Re: Desire For Suicide - May 9th 2011, 05:39 AM

hey there, welcome to Teen Help. No you deserve help just as much as anyone else on this site. Im sorry your feeling so down, depression really sucks. Well as far as feeling socially akward, its not really ur fault. From what u said, uve only really been made fun of in social situations. Thats definetly helping ur situation. I use to be akward too... i got over it by just tellin myself "these ppl will think what they want no matter what, i need to be assertive and take control of how i am in public. If they dont like it, sucks for them." Maybe that will help? Well suicide really isnt a good option. You should try counciling...i did and then they gave me pills which made things way better. As for having no friends, well ill be ur friend and im sure ull make a ton more on this site. Everyone is real friendly. Hope i helped a bit.


"One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." -Ida Scott Taylor
   
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