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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
ItNeverEnds Offline
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I'm surrounded by suicide - May 15th 2011, 12:36 AM

The title says it all. Everywhere in my life there's suicide. I don't know what it is, bad luck I guess, but sometimes I can't help but to think it's to do with me.

When I was 11, one of my best friends bought a knife in to school saying she was going to kill herself with it. While I doubt she would have actually done it at that age, you don't understand it. You just believe people in what they say.

When I was 12, my best friend at the time faked her own suicide. She was with another of my friends and she actually told me she was dead. I'll never forget that feeling. It was all my fault as well, and she made sure I knew it. Luckily she didn't actually attempt.

When I was 13, when I broke up with my boyfriend he threatened to kill himself, again I doubt he'd do it but it effected me badly.

When I was 14, one of my closest friends ended up in hospital several times after overdoses etc. I also took my first overdose and began self harming. It was a minor overdose, I didn't end up in hospital. I also took a second minor overdose while I was 14, about 6 months later. I also broke up with my boyfriend who threatened to kill himself. He was another that i knew wouldn't do it, but it just bought it to the forefront of my life again.

Aged 15 is when it's all gone really wrong. This year has been horrible so far. In December, one of my friends, Nat, attempted suicide very seriously, taking over 200 paracetamol in one weekend. I knew he was going to do it, he told me. I was the last person to talk to him before hand. There was nothing I could do. He was in intensive care for a week but despite all the odds he survived.
In January my friend, now boyfriend, Aaron, took and overdose and ended up in hospital. He's attempted 4 times before this, being held in a secure ward for weeks at one point and damaging his heart. He didn't tell me he was going to do it. He took an early night, and the next thing I knew he was in hospital.
In February, I attempted. I overdosed and only Aaron saved me. He was still a friend at the time but after this he became my boyfriend and we've been inseparable ever since. He is the only reason i'm still alive. My overdose left me with lots of horrible memories, and even more reasons to end it.
In March, Nat attempted again. I saw my phone and I had 6 missed calls and an answer phone message from him. He'd tried to get to me for help and I hadn't been there. Turns out he'd managed to call an ambulance. He's now in a psychiatric ward and has been ever since.
In April, my boyfriend almost attempted again. I had to ring him up crying, begging him not to do it. I managed, thankfully, but it scares me how easy it is to lose him. In the same month my best friend Louise overdosed mildly twice. Neither ending up in hospital, but I was the only person she told both times. The same month there was also talk of my boyfriend being admitted back into a psychiatric hospital, meaning i wouldn't be able to talk to him for potentially months. I wouldn't be able to talk to the only thing that keeps me going. Luckily, for now, he's safe.
Now in May, i've had a repeat of what happened with my boyfriend. Crying on the phone to him begging. Honestly the worst feeling i've ever experienced. My friend Louise has a plan to kill herself. A pretty serious plan, and from experience I know the difference between someone who will attempt and someone who won't. I'm scared, I can't help her and it's only a matter of time before I lose someone.

I'm petrified of one day finding myself alone. Finding all these people, the people who mean something to me gone.

On one hand it makes me want to end it, to not have to go through all this but it also makes me stronger. It makes me want to stay to help these people, to keep them going. It's just a lot to deal with and i guess it's getting to me. My self harm and eating disorder is getting worse and my counselor discharged me because he can't help. I don't know what to do.

Sorry this was long. Thank you so much to anyone who reads. It's just a bit of a vent really.

Last edited by ItNeverEnds; May 15th 2011 at 12:43 AM.
   
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Re: I'm surrounded by suicide - May 15th 2011, 12:57 AM

hey, first off; Welcome to Teen Help!
Second, im sorry life is going rough. I see some bright sides here tho, none of these people have actually died. Also, you have a guy in your life who really cares about you. Alot of people wish for a good relationship like that every day. OK as for help, well you say ur councilor let u go cuz he couldnt help. You need to find a different councilor then. Make sure they know you self harm and have an ED...if they arent qualified to help, they may be able to direct u to someone who is. Hopefully i helped a bit. good luck


"One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering." -Ida Scott Taylor
   
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Re: I'm surrounded by suicide - May 15th 2011, 08:06 AM

Welcome to TH!

I can really see what you're talking about; you've really seen quite a lot of this haven't you? All I can say is to keep holding on there (and hopefully your friends do too). Life was designed with ups and downs. Unfortunately, you've been through a lot of downs, and I understand it may seem hopeless right now. However, you have to understand it won't be like this longer. Hopefully you and your friends get out of this depressive state and go through more ups. Have you tried things like seeing a therapist, medication, and even regular things like exercising? If you haven't, I recommend you at least try. Get better! Carpe Diem.


Carpe Diem: Seize the Day/Moment. -Horace

Veni, Vidi, Vici: I came, I saw, I conquered -Julius Caesar
   
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Re: I'm surrounded by suicide - May 15th 2011, 11:07 AM

Thank you for your replies

I know, I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world, he really is the only reason i'm still alive and that's why it scares me so much the thought that I might lose him. He was the only person I told before I overdosed, and he begged me not to do it. I lied, told him I wouldn't. I feel so guilty for that, but I did take a lot less than I was planning to, because of him.

Asking for another counselor would involve asking my parents. When i got discharged, they where so happy. Like they had a "normal" daughter again. I caused them so much trouble during that time when I was getting over it all what with running away from school, and home and of course my overdose. When i got discharged from councelling it felt like it had ended, for them anyway. I don't want to cause them anymore trouble.

It's just so hard trying to cope with your own suicidal feelings as well as everyone elses. I can't just decide one day that i'm not feeling great, so i can't help because it could end up with one of them dead. I wouldn't be able to deal with that, especially knowing it was partly my fault.

I've made staying strong my aim in life. I'm not about to kill myself because even if i don't want to be hear anymore, I owe it to my boyfriend and my friends. They deserve better than this and I want to do everything I can to make that happen, but it's just so hard and i'm scared i'm going to snap again.
   
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