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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PlayingPretend Offline
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Name: Elliotte
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Please Help - June 5th 2011, 07:30 AM

I have no starting point, so I'm going to write and hope that it's cohesive - or at least coherent.

I want to blame this on PMS - I am currently working with my psychiatrist and health doctor to deal and cope with severe PMS, quite possibly PMDD - but the truth is that I've been feeling this way consistently for some months... I would guess since around February or March. My mood plummeted in March due to the stress of the quarter. I thought I was going to fail a class (I have an A/B average, and the thought of failing/not passing a course for the first time terrified me) I ended up getting a B in, but it presented me with a mass amount of stress throughout late February and the month of March. It didn't help that both the professor and the TAs were complete douchebags - very condescending, no interest in helping struggling students, etc. The end of the quarter came. I did well. I had thought that that + spring break would give me a chance to recuperate. It didn't. And I can't blame it on this quarter because this quarter has been one of my favourite quarters to date.

I think part of the problem is how unhappy I am with my weight. I think the problem with that is I'm unhappy because my mother, who struggles with an eating disorder, and my grandfather, who believes that an average weight is equivalent to obesity, are unhappy. I am recovering from EDNOS. I am within the healthy weight range for my height, age, and build, though I am probably closer to the middle-higher end of it. And I absolutely hate my body. Thing is, even when I was smaller, and by smaller I mean a lot smaller, I still hated it with every ounce of my being. But again, because my mother and grandfather were still unhappy. I am very capable of realising that their issues are their issues; they have nothing to do with me. That doesn't mean their words don't cut. And I've started to believe them. I believe them so much that I think people to be bloody liars; they compliment me because they feel obligated to compliment the "fat girl," the "ugly girl." It's something I've even accused my boyfriend of. I believe he finds me attractive. What I don't believe is that he finds my body attractive. Earlier he told me he finds my body "pretty," that he loves me to pieces and loves every bit of me, and he said once we see each other (we're long-distance), he's going to show it to me if I feel comfortable enough to let him. It made me cry, not because it meant anything but because I felt like he was lying to my face, like he was saying that not only to convince me of it but to convince himself. And I hate that I think like that, especially when he told me that he's not going to lie to me but whether or not I believe that is up to me.

I do have an appointment with my health doctor, primarily about birth control but we're also going to work out a diet and exercise plan. I want to counteract any weight gain the birth control might cause, as I gained some the last time I was on it, and I also want to overall get into a healthier routine of exercising and eating better.

And then there's my boyfriend. He is... the most incredible person I have ever been with and probably the most amazing that I have ever had in my life. I met him through TH a little over a couple years ago. I developed feelings for him soon after meeting; he had very attractive qualities and was a very attractive individual. But based on where we were both at at that point in time and based on his opinions about online/long-distance relationships, I decided against telling him that my feelings existed. I decided that it wasn't worth pursuing because I felt there was nothing to pursue; I didn't even think a guy like him could fall for a girl like me. So I moved on, I met someone else, dated him for a year and some months. Long story short because it's incredibly complicated, nearer the end of our relationship (friendship included) he did a complete 180, turning into someone neither I nor my family nor my friends even recognised. He became the person he said he never wanted to become and so I cut contact completely.

Since then, a lot of things have become clear to me about certain aspects about the relationship that I either didn't notice or completely denied. And since entering a relationship with my current boyfriend (I admitted to having feelings for him in December, and things progressed from there; turns out he'd had feelings for me all along, too), I've started to regret the fact that I lost my virginity to my ex, simply because I did it for all the wrong reasons. The entire experience lasted under a minute, and being honest, based on his behaviour after, I felt and feel used for bragging rights. And even if his intentions were in the right place, I had sex with him because I thought that would be enough to keep him with me. And it wasn't. He turned out to be a total tool, what with the way he treated me in the end of it, and a part of me wonders if he was a tool in ways throughout our relationship and I simply didn't see it.

But the thing is that I don't feel worthy of my current boyfriend. We are both very much in love with each other. We both see a future with one another. We've talked about the possibility of moving in together once I move out (I have 6-7 years of schooling left and he's told me he would never expect me to quit school or give up on my dreams and aspirations to move there). He's consistently reassuring. If I worry about the distance, he tells me he knew what he was "signing up for" and that I'm worth every mile. If I worry about my body, he tells me he finds me pretty; he's even said there isn't even a word for how attracted he is to me, because he can't describe it without using words he hates/is against (based on their connotation). If I worry about sex or about the physical side of our relationship, he says it's a bonus, because he gets what he wants and needs from me everyday already. If I worry about the time I need before I get comfortable having sex (the time varies depending on the act. I was sexually abused and mental and emotional memories are easily triggered), he tells me that we'll take as much time as I need. If I worry about him leaving me, he tells me that he never wants to and he's never going to. If I worry about not being enough, he tells me that I'm everything he could ever want and need and more. I worry about not being good enough to be loved forever, that maybe he'll wake up and realise he wants something more than me and what I can offer, and he tells me that there's nothing he would change and nothing he would add and that if forever had a day, he would tell me I'm good enough to be loved for longer. He's told me he does not care that I'm not a virgin. etc.

Yet I'm here miserable over the fact I can't be a virgin for him (I will be his first, and I constantly worry that he'll regret losing it to me), miserable over the fact that I don't feel pretty enough or good enough, miserable over the fact I feel like a horrible girlfriend, and the list goes on. I am terrified of him leaving me. And I can be moody and temperamental and as much as he tells me I'm amazing regardless and that I'm allowed to have my mood swings, I fear one day he'll wake up and think "hey, I deserve more than this," because I believe whole-heartedly that he does. And these obsessive negative thought processes, this obsessive want for reassurance that sometimes I let show and sometimes I repress, is causing me to, in a way, sabotage this relationship (though he says he's never perceived me of sabotaging it at all - so maybe I'm sabotaging myself?). He says I can never mess it up, that I will never mess it up, yet I'm sitting here feeling like I already have.

And on top of this, I made a promise to him that I wouldn't SH, that I would speak with him before I did, yet at the moment, the only thing keeping me from doing it is the fact I'm headed up to Tahoe for a birthday weekend, and I'll be getting a massage and I hope to take full advantage of the swimming pool and hot tubs. I can do that with scars. I can't with cuts. Especially seeing as I'm going with my mother, who's under the impression that I've stopped. The thing is though that it's almost since making the promise, it's become so forbidden a coping mechanism that it's become more tantalising. I know I don't need it. I've had months in between relapses, sometimes several, and I am proud for making it so far. I do want to stop but sometimes the urges are so completely overwhelming that I wish I never made the fucking promise, yet I know that it hurts him when I do it and I know I couldn't lie if I did, and most of the time, that's enough to stop me from doing it. And I make sure to speak with him if I feel like I'm really, really going to.

And I feel so stupid for feeling this way. I feel like I have no grounds to. I feel trapped in an absolute depression - this is not sad, this is pure depression - that I can't get out of and I'm not even sure why. I am no longer struggling. I am no longer fighting tooth and nail to survive. I am no longer subjected to any form of sexual harassment or abuse etc. My life continues to get better. I am going places in life. Yet I'm depressed. I'm suicidal. I want to up and do it and I'm starting not to care who I hurt because I'm tired of hurting. The other night I even wrote a suicide note, chose to demolish it and ended up crying myself to sleep, but the fact that I'm getting to that point is terrifying me. I honestly do not think it is something I will act on, simply because I could not do that to my family or to my friends or to my boyfriend, but at the same time, the fact that I am feeling this down and out, the fact that I have started going over my old plans, my mental inventory of suicide methods, etc. has scared the living daylights out of me. And I don't know what to do. I really do not know what to do to get out of this funk. All I know is that I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. Because if I ever fall back into the same depression I struggled with for years, I don't think that I'll make it out a second time around.

Kudos if you made it through this. I realise it was long.

EDIT -- Blarg. I can't sleep. My mind is literally going a million miles a minute and I have no bloody clue how to handle it. I think a part of the problem is the fact that I am currently one man standing, feeling like I have to cope with this solitarily because now is about time I'd sit down and write out an e-mail to my best friend, someone I considered closer than blood, and I'd spill everything and pour my absolute heart out to her, but the thing is that we aren't even on speaking terms and to be frank, we might never be. She lied about something huge, and she kept that up for a while, because even given the chance to speak honestly with me about it, she continued to withhold information from me and further, replaced that information with spider-spun stories. She did eventually come clean. She did eventually tell me the truth. But by that time, it was too late. It reminds me of the chorus of this one song. The song is about cheating but the lyrics still seem to fit. They go something like You should have lied cause your stupid mistake made my world crash down. Now it's goodbye, no, you can't take it back once the truth has come out of your mouth, so you tried to be honest but honesty blew it this time. Because as much as she did the right thing in the end of it, she did irreparable damage. And I do hope that sometime in the future, she and I can be friends, but it will never be the same because my trust was absolutely shattered. I cannot describe how much it hurt, and furthermore, I cannot describe how much it hurt cutting her out, but I had to do it because for one, I need time to work through and get over what happened and for another, I don't know how I can be close friends with someone I can't trust and I don't know how to be acquaintences with someone I was once close to. I am a pretty all-or-nothing person. Casual relationships are difficult for me to sustain, for me to even want to sustain, but the lack of her presence in my life has... It's killing me. I know that I won't feel this way forever, I know I will eventually work through it, and I know I will eventually see the lesson in it and the good in it, but right now, all it does is hurt. She was supposed to be the one person I could count on to be in my life forever, my fucking sister, and she betrayed me in the worst fucking way possible. And she threaded "I would never lie to you," "I've always been honest with you," etc. reassurances in to the tangled web she was weaving. That made it even worse. Throughout the past year, I've given her chances, because throughout the past year, changes have happened and maybe it's me who's changed, maybe it's her, but I forgave and forgave and forgave and honestly this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I know that I'm doing what's best for me, but it hurts so fucking bad and nights like this seem to do nothing more than pour salt in the wound.


If you feel you'd like additional support or to speak further with me, you can contact me through my personal Tumblr, Love Like An Hourglass (click), or PM me through TH.



Last edited by PlayingPretend; June 5th 2011 at 09:04 AM.
   
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Re: Please Help - June 5th 2011, 01:53 PM

Hey,
You say that it hurt to "cut out" your friend, but it sounds like she really hurt you and that isn't what friends do to friends. It shouldn't matter if you were the one to change or not. She was wrong to betray and lie to you.
Your boyfriend sounds really great, and I think that in time you'll start believing what he tells you.
Have you tried talking to your psychiatrist, doctor or boyfriend about your suicidal intentions and note? They might be able to help you, especially if speaking to your boyfriend stops you from self harming- which is great, keep it up.
Life will get better and you don't have to succumb to "the same depression you struggled with". You aren't alone. Instead of writing an email to your friend, you can post it.
Feel free to PM me.
I hope you feel better soon.
   
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