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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
TheCrowing Offline
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Unsure of what this may be... - June 6th 2011, 02:06 AM

I've always had issues with dealing with certain things, etc, etc.. But I guess this really has me confused. Over the years, I've realized and have come to terms with many things that have happened to me. I'm a walking disaster, but that's what makes life interesting.

I struggle with anxiety, and I'm a survivor of myself. But the thing that is bothering me is the fact that even when there is nothing wrong at all, I feel down. I feel like I want nothing to do with anyone. Like today, for instance, I was hanging with friends and I was having a good time, and out of nowhere, this wall of pure indifference just hit me. In the past when this happened, I usually had reasons as to why I was suddenly indifferent or down, but within the past 6 months, I have very little to no reason at all.

I tried counseling once. It sucked. So I honestly can't say if there's something more wrong with me than terrible anxiety. A few friends tried to talk me into seeing someone else because they thought I was depressed or possibly even bipolar, but I refused. And they didn't and still don't know that I was SHing too..

I get into these phases and sometimes they last a few hours or days, and other times they last a few months. It first started happening when I was probably 7 or 8, but when I was around 12 it was worse. People said maybe it's just puberty.. but that's also when I started SHing, so that didn't help the phases at all. In and out of these phases of feeling terrible, and then feeling great. Now it's happening again, and I don't know why. Could it be some inner depression that I've always had? Maybe I'm just a little off in the head. No clue.

Thanks.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
bailatyvm Offline
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Re: Unsure of what this may be... - June 6th 2011, 02:22 AM

I think it could quite potentially be depression..I mean, seeing as to how I have depression and can relate to a lot of these things you're feeling. Waves of unhappiness coming from the middle of nowhere..and the SH is nearly always caused by depression and unhappiness. I don't think you're crazy.

If you're not willing to go back into counseling (I know I'm not..I had the same kind of experience) I'd just open up to my friends more. And tell them flat out that you're not willing to go back into counseling.

It's alright..you're gonna make it. Trust me. But definitely try opening up a little bit. It may do you some good.


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TheCrowing Offline
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Re: Unsure of what this may be... - June 6th 2011, 10:25 PM

Thanks. But honestly, the SH is not originally from a bad experience. It's hard to explain.

Those friends are no longer friends of mine, seeing it was a while ago. My 3 best friends though don't know about the SH, only 1 person actually does. And they don't think anything of me being down or anxious. A normal conversation goes like..
"What's wrong?"
"A lot."
"Cheer up, now. OMG, did you hear....?"

It makes me feel like I shouldn't tell them these things. I'm always there for them, but it doesn't feel like anyone does that back for me.. if that makes sense. I've been in a relationship for 4 years, and because of this situation, I have no intention of sharing the whole SH in my past thing. And that makes me feel a bit worse..

I just feel like there's nothing that could help me get over these phases.


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
bailatyvm Offline
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Re: Unsure of what this may be... - June 7th 2011, 12:38 AM

Yeah, my friends do the same thing...it's hard to go through this and have people not understand, right?? It's okay, we're here for youuuu. Stay open and you'll get through this. I promise.


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Re: Unsure of what this may be... - June 7th 2011, 12:54 AM

This is truly a hard place to be. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Hun, has anything happened to you before that hurt you? It could be a one time thing, or continuous. Sometimes our past hits us later on and it comes in the form of depression or sometimes another way. I am not a professional but I know in my own experience that when I dont deal with my problems and try to shove them under the rug, they come back at me with a vengance later on. Usually sporadically at random times.

This is probably why your friends are telling you to find a counselor. Now, I have a lot of experience going to therapy first hand I can tell you that it can be difficult finding a good therapist. They have to really fit you sort of. Sometimes, you have to look around a bit. If you cannot afford there may be places in your community that offer counseling for free. Sometimes you do need to do a bit of work to find the right therapist. But once you are able to deal with these issues it can help. Also, if it turns out it doesnt have to do with specific issues, it could be a chemical imbalance, and they can help you with that too. But it is hard to know without the help of someone trained.

I strongly suggest you seek someone who can assist you. Obviously carrying the burden oneself can be way too much. If it becomes too much for you, please contact a hotline, or someone you trust ...or reach out on here.
You can PM me anytime as well.
   
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TheCrowing Offline
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Re: Unsure of what this may be... - June 8th 2011, 03:45 AM

A lot of things have happened to hurt me. Everyone I have ever gotten very close to has hurt me, and I've come to accept it. There have been things in my life that nobody knows, terrible things that bother me from time to time. But at this point in my life, I should be happy. I shouldn't feel this way. It's making my 4 year relationship slowly go downhill, which is the last thing I want to happen.

I've been decently clean from SH. The month ago was a small slip up, but I count them because if I don't, I'll never get anywhere. It's just the feeling of being alone, even when I know I have people that love me. Things are just triggering other feelings inside of me, and I just feel like therapy won't do anything. Sure, I can talk about things until I can't talk anymore, but at the end of the day, it is still there. If that makes any sense?


"Although only breath, words which I command are immortal." Sappho

"Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I feel everything is my fault.
Sometimes I feel the hate break my mind. Sometimes I feel they deserve it this time.
May the bridges I burn light my way." - I, Alone - Otep

   
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