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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
blacklilac Offline
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stressed? - June 21st 2011, 03:07 PM

Hi. I'm taking my O Levels this year, and I'm impossibly stressed out. My foundation is shaky to start off with as my grades last year were horrendous, and I didn't pay attention in class, which means that I don't really get the topics taught last year. I put in effort to study harder this year, and my grades really did improve, although it's definitely not good enough.

The exams start in late October, and this June holidays was supposed to be a time for us to study and all. But being the lazy idiot that I am, I spent half of the holidays slacking, only beginning to study in the last week, which is now. I know that it's better late then never, and as long as I really focus I can manage. But I'm getting really stressed out, especially when faced with chemistry/physics/math, which I just cannot deal with. There's this sinking feeling inside me permanently, and every time I try to do work and fail to understand/get a question correct I feel horribly demoralised and want to just bawl.

I've lost my appetite these days, but I know I need to eat so I just force the food down. And recently I've been having increasingly violent and graphic daydreams where I/someone else stabs/strangles/cuts/tortures me, and then I just die. I don't know how to deal with the stress and the sinking feeling because it's distracting me from studying, but if I don't study I get even more stressed out. Whenever I need to let off some steam, I scratch at my arms, until some of the skin peel off. I have no idea why I do that but the pain seems to lessen the sinking feeling.

I really really need to do well for the exams. But the way things are going, sometimes I doubt I'll even survive till then. Usually when I get suicidal thoughts, I tell myself that since I'm not really going to go through with it so what's the point of wasting my time thinking about it? And it works. But recently I've been daydreaming about just jumping off some tall building, visualising the way I'll look as I plummet to the ground. When I'm in cars I wish that a huge lorry or something would crash into the car and crush/kill me while the other people in the car escape unhurt. I look at knives and I wonder how they'd feel stuck through my heart. I wonder if blood will really come out of my mouth if I stab myself in the stomach. I don't think I'll go through with all this, but sometimes the fantasies seem so real I don't even know. I fear pain though, so I think about painless ways to die.

Having rambled on so, I seem to have no main point for this post. I really don't know. I want to do well, but I have this sinking feeling/fear that I can't, and there are so many expectations. I'm confused. And being the idiot that I am, I actually went to buy tickets for a showcase and an autograph session for idols I really like. There's no way I can return those tickets, and I wanted to use them as a carrot to study harder, but now I... I don't even know. They're really expensive, and I really want to go, but I'm afraid the time could be put to better use. But I can't back out of it, so GAHHH IDEK.

This is really long, I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time. If you don't mind, what should I do?
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Re: stressed? - June 21st 2011, 03:40 PM

Hey sweetie!

First off, let me say: take a nice, deep breath, and try to relax! I know how stressful school is, but it'll all be OK! Believe me, if you're planning on attending a University or something after highschool, you can still get accepted even if your grades aren't perfect. And while its good to push yourself (to an extent) to do the absolute best you can, you should only push yourself so hard.

When you're studying, you really should study in intervals of 45 minutes to an hour at the most. Then you should take a break. It not only helps you focus more while you're studying, but it'll also likely help you remember things better, as you aren't cramming one fact on top of another to try and remember. It'll also help to break down what you need to know into small parts, and tackle each part individually. It'll make the task of studying this huge amounts of knowledge more manageable.

From the sounds of it, you might be slightly leaning towards self harm - try and stop that now. The scratching at your arm could very easily led to other forms of self harm, which not only solves nothing but is extremely addictive.

As for your daydreams, I have to suggest you go to your parents. It worries me that you feel this way, because well, as for the car bit I've felt the same before, and I have depression. There may be a chance you have a mild form of it as well, and the sooner you seek help, the easier it'll be for you to get better.

Hang in there, things will get better, and school will get easier and more managable!

Please feel free to Private Message, Visitor Message, or Add me if you ever need to talk. I'm online a lot, and I don't mind at all!

Best of luck,

♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
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