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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Unhappy I'm DONE! - June 23rd 2011, 10:43 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I can't take this anymore. I can't stand who I am anymore.
All my life I've been told I was a piece of crap. My dad left my mom, my siblings and I when I was 3, and I remember watching him walk out the door and wondering why he didn't say goodbye. All through my life I felt hatred towards my father for that. I hate my parents for getting divorced. It's put their children through hell, and I've always resented him for it because it made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him or he didn't love me enough to stay. When I was 4 my mom moved in with her new boyfriend, who quickly turned out to be the biggest ass you'd ever meet. He pushed her down and physically hurt us sometimes. He would say he hated us. We were doing yard work one time, and I wasn't pulling the weeds fast enough apparently, and he told me, "Man, I wish you were my kid. Then I could knock the shit out of you." He would tell us to shut up, or that we were dumb or stupid, and he'd always be the first to point out what we did wrong. When I was 7, my brother and stepbrother started molesting me. They would make me do a lot of sexual stuff, like give them lap dances, and they would record it. They made me masturbate them, and they would tell me I wasn't good enough if I didn't make them "jizz". They would tell me I wasn't pretty, or that I was fat, that I walked like an elephant and looked like a piece of shit compared to shit. They said I'd never be good enough, and I've carried that with me. I have flashbacks and low self esteem because of what my dickhead brothers did to me, and my parents still treat my brother like the golden child. I started feeling depressed when I was 9, and thinking of suicide when I was 10. I started cutting when I was 11, because I was under extreme pressure to be perfect, and when I would mess up, everyone would reiterate thousands of times how disappointed they were. When my mom found out I was cutting, she kept asking me why I was so stupid and crazy. Whenever she'd find out I was doing it again, she'd cry and say, "You know, this isn't exactly fun for me." She would blame me for feeling this way. When I entered junior high, everyone outcasted me and I felt I had no friends. It got worse throughout junior high. My friends would single me out, and my classmates would shun me. My sister was telling me on multiple occasions that she would have more friends if she didn't have a crazy sister.
No one loves me, no one cares about me, and everyone would be so much happier if I was gone. I feel like the world would rejoice if I died. simple as that. I cannot do this anymore. [Edited By Jazz Guy]

Last edited by Loving Linux Penguin; June 25th 2011 at 05:03 AM. Reason: Minor edit to comply with TOS
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 23rd 2011, 11:14 PM

Hey sweetie,

I understand that things have been really tough for you, and I'm sorry to hear that. You deserve so much better.

I know what it's like to feel like there's not way out besides suicide. But sweetie, killing yourself is not the answer. People will miss you. I'll miss you, and I don't even know you.

Does anyone know about what your brothers used to do to you? Is your mom a supports at all, or does she just turn everything around to be about her? Do you have any friends you could talk to?

Please don't take this way out. I know things are hard, but they can get better.

Please please don't hesitate to PM/VM me, I want to help any way I can<3


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 01:38 AM

Yeah, the molestation was reported and taken care of 3 years ago. My mom is not a support at all, and does turn everything around to be about her. I was in IP four months ago, before I joined the site, and I'm wondering if maybe I need to go back. I also wonder if I need to go to an RTC... but I don't know how to tell her...
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 01:42 AM

Maybe you should just be straightforward about it with her (trust me I know, I know: easier said than done). Otherwise, is there any other family members (aunt, uncle, grandparent, ect) who you could go to, since you mom doesn't really help?


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 02:06 AM

I don't know... everything just seems so hard... I don't wanna fight with her again
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 02:15 AM

I know what you mean. But talking to her doesn't mean it'll necessarily end in a fight (even if that's a common result; sometimes parents randomly have a different reaction...or at least what I've seen of mine/friends parents).
I'd say give it a shot. If it just ends in a fight, seek out someone else to go to. (again: other relative, friend, parent of a friend, teacher, counselor, pastor, someone).


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 02:17 AM

I'm afraid she'll say I can't go back to IP because we don't have any money
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 02:20 AM

Hmm. I'm sure that's a pretty big concern, isn't it? But you won't know unless you ask. And even if you don't have enough money for it, maybe you could look into free support groups/counseling if only for the time being


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.

Last edited by Intoxicated Brutality; June 24th 2011 at 02:21 AM. Reason: Typo D:
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 02:52 AM

I'm just really scared... I don't know what else to do... How degrading is it to know that your life is in danger and the only threat is yourself?
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 02:56 AM

Hey, you aren't the only one to have been(or who is) in that boat. I know it's scary, I know it's difficult, but you really just have to make yourself look for ways to get better (as in alternatives to suicide/SH; things that will actually make you better) Once you start figuring things out things and start getting help things will get easier.

You aren't alone in this dear<3 and you don't have to feel like you are


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 03:00 AM

Thank you... its just so hard, after 5 years I just want some peace
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 24th 2011, 03:02 AM

I know sweetie.. it's tough. But you can find peace among it, you just have to find the right tactic to use to tackle all your emotions/problems one by one


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 25th 2011, 03:38 AM

I don't know how to talk to her . The thoughts have been increasing , and I don't know if I should tell someone or not .
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 25th 2011, 04:59 AM

You should really try to, because you deserve to be happy. I know that probably seems like a pretty obvious reason to try (or maybe a stupid one), but it's the truth. And sometimes the simplist things work the best, even if they're hard to go through with


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 25th 2011, 05:38 AM

I'm really scared...
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 25th 2011, 05:47 AM

I know sweetie if I could talk you through it as you talked to your mom, or if I could make it easier on you I would. But you can do it, I believe you can<3


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 25th 2011, 05:55 AM

I don't know... I don't think she'll take it seriously
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 25th 2011, 05:58 AM

You won't know until you ask though. And if she doesn't, you can find someone else who'll take you seriously and help you


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 28th 2011, 08:44 PM

I talked to her on Sunday... she basically said going back to the hospital because I'm in a suicidal crisis and have plans... isn't an option. We talked about it for 20 minutes (or, really, she just ranted about herself and how she feels) and then she totally forgot about it! This has been brought up to her twice in the last month and she has done nothing! NOTHING! I swear, I'm finished. If this continues, she's gonna have to find a way to pay for a freakin casket because I can't do this anymore.
   
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Re: I'm DONE! - June 28th 2011, 09:14 PM

Have you tried calling any of the hotlines? There's people working as operators for them who are trained to talk people through suicidal thoughts and to help them as much as they can. (plus if you call 911, the operators there are trained to handle it as well or will transfer your call to someone who is). I'm sure it's extremely frustrating (to put it mildly) for your mom to turn everything around to be about her and to basically tell you she won't help you get the help you need..but there are other options. Call a hotline and talk to someone, look for local free support groups, reach out to people on here, PM/VM me/someone else on here, and I'm sure other things that are just slipping my mind at the moment...

Sweetie, you're young. Please don't end your life before you've had the chance to live it. Your mom may be unreceptive to helping you, but there are people who will help


♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
   
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