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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Tainted Angel Offline
Shy but sweet =)
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Age: 26
Gender: Female

Posts: 15
Join Date: June 17th 2011

Why I Am Who I Am - June 29th 2011, 03:57 PM

When I was in middle school I used to be so depressed that sometimes I thought it would be alright if I just disappeared or died.
But I have no interest in harming myself because stuff like that really, really disgusts me.
I find life precious & fragile, & for me to end life is just... low.....

So basically, I just wanted to disappear.

But gradually, I started to feel... apathetic...
When I was depressed, I still had a heart; I felt pain, sympathy, for others I didn't know well who were going through tough times. I was very sensitive as a child, sensitive to profanity, cruelty, being yelled at...
I think i was considered an Empath.
I guess I sort of desensitized.
After getting used to high school, I've been telling myself to desensitize & stop being such a crybaby. Sometimes I'd slap myself silly when I look at myself in the mirror w/ tears.
I was telling myself I need to survive being around insensitive people.
Gradually, I started realizing that I have lost a part of me.
I feel lost of being energetic, caring, & creative like I was in middle school, I don't care or cry for people anymore like I used to, & I don't show much emotions either. And I've lost interest in things that I used to love doing. & things don't surprise me as much & I am not naive anymore, I'm always suspicious about things now.
And I began to develop a stoic & apathetic exterior during my sophomore & junior years...
I am slow to open my heart to anyone & I am shy around people. Sometimes they think that I don't like them, but I do like them, I like people, they just didn't know that I was very shy & nervous, sort of afraid of them. I'm a little distrusting of people, you'll never know if they'll hurt you, betray you, trick you, etc... but I do like people in general.

I just don't talk much or show much emotion at first, if you seem scary or distrustful to me. I'm a detached & distant person at first, but once I warm up to them, they'll see the sweeter, kinder, generous, smiley, childish, hopeful, side of me. n_n

Also, dis-trustfulness & disappointment has lead me to become self-sufficient. Sometimes I don't like asking for help, I like having to fight my own battles, but I don't mind help when I really need it.

You can never always depend on someone or something.
That's why I have my signature the way it is. =)

I have a strong belief of depending on one's own self than of others.
I believe in survival of the fittest, but also believe that is very cruel but true.

But I feel as though I've grown much more understanding & mature throughout those days when I became apathetic. Almost like an adult...
Then, during my last months of being a junior, I suddenly began to change.
After actually thinking about why I have become the way I am, instead of sulking about being the person I had become, I know why I am the way I am, first it's because of the experiences I had with other people when I was a child, they mostly disappointed me & hurt me, especially older people. They made me feel distrustful of people, afraid that they will hurt me or do something to me that will taint more my innocence.
I have a strong will to try to protect my own innocence & I feel so moral & a need to be righteous (I don't know why).
I feel like I want to be.... pure. But I'm not, & that's sadden me.
They only way that will happen if I lived a life free of harsh cruelty, profanity, discriminating, hate & etc.
Realizing the reality of this world made me depressed as well, I actually was close to becoming embittered.
I can't live the life I want /dream of.
And the reason why I feel so much more mature & adult-like rather than a teen, it's because I realized the lack of discipline & knowledge my family has.
Yes, my parents are both very strict & moral, but they're don't give out disciplines, not even my older sibling does.
My dad just wants us to be happy, & doesn't like disciplining us, but I think it's necessary to be disciplined sometimes.
It'll help us grow up & not be so destructive, overly free, messy, or chaotic or whatever else is the outcome of an undisciplined child.
And my mom makes me so angry when she's passive about things & sometimes scared to tell my dad certain things or defend us. She's the type of mom that'll probably stand back, cry, & watch & do nothing when father beat us up or something (which he doesn't by the way, it was just an example, HE DOES NOT BEAT US, I love my parents ♥ they just get on my nerves...)
Also, when my parents had their first child, which was my child, they weren't ready to be parents. My mother told me how she wasn't ready or prepared to have a child & didn't really seek out professional help right away... (luckily she had doctors that helped her later, giving her videos & stuff).
And I also don't like how my dad bottle up his feelings & is a little distant but at the same time wants to hang out with his family. And there's a lot of qualities about him that I don't like. He doesn't seem like he'd make a good leader... He's a good & moral man, yeah, but....

And I have lost interest in things is because when I told my father my dream job to make animated films, my dad was so unsupportive & disapproving of the idea that I cried & began to believe that I can't do certain things. Soon I lost interest in drawing for hours everyday in my room, trying new things, & I lost confidence in myself & had low self-esteem issues.

[Venting] And what I hate most is how everyone has to depend on me, the middle child, to everything. Tell people something, ask someone something, be the one to tell dad something. They expect me to be a lot of things, the responsible, the smart one, the decisive one.
I also don't like it when they have too much faith in me when I know I can't do something... I don't like letting people down, & I always have to be the proud child...
But I'm very indecisive & yeah I am smart, but not that smart.
And I also hate that I don't see my brother as an older brother.
He's unambitious, eats more than he was in high school, extremely stubborn when me & my mom try to help him (telling him to work or go to college), not supportive, is not going to college, hot helping the family much, & I'm scared that his future won't be good...

But after thinking about these problems & hatred & stuff, & asking myself why I was here?, a question I always ask myself before because I really wanted a purpose in life!
It's because I give my family guidance & discipline. I'm not as passive as my mom, but I am aggressive in a passive/gentle way.
I give my family what it was missing from the beginning.
Without me, my little siblings wouldn't have any older person to turn to, not even mom, to talk about private or irritating stuff, their rooms would be more messy than usual, & they'd fight a lot with their older brother. I also play peacemaker, trying to keep my little sisters from being too mean to big brother because I know that he's a sensitive guy inside.

I feel I have to play a second mother or the oldest sibling in the family.
When my mother tells my siblings to clean their room they say they'll do it later (but forget to do it later & don't actually clean it...) or my mother doesn't really tell them to clean the room at all, just mutter to herself about how messy the room is & expect the children will pick up after themselves. She doesn't understand how children act the way they do...
But when I tell my sisters to clean up their room, at first they might groan & say they'll do it later, but sooner or later they do it.
Sometimes my mom has to get me to tell her own younger children to do something, like brush their teeth or something.
I also try to teach my younger siblings what is wrong & what is right. And talk to them about things that my both my parents don't know about. Like facts, books, words, strange & unfamiliar things.

My brother is not really a help at all...
And I am highly ambitious, quite talented, & hard working, I dream always, about getting a great job, life, house, money, & basically the good life! We live in a noisy, misunderstanding, mean, untrustworthy, etc. neighborhood.
And one of my goals is to get my family out of this dump & move them somewhere nicer. I want to work hard, make lots of money, get married, have everything I always wanted by working hard & right. I want my parents to be proud of me. I want to support my family in ways my brother is too lazy or to stubborn to do.

After realizing why I was born in to this world, which was to give my family what they were missing, I feel I am beginning to become... better in some ways. I actually was able to talk to other people without feeling self-conscious, scared, or shy, I feel myself not breaking out of my shell, but more like creating a bigger hole in it, & I feel more cheerful, but still a little doubting of the future.
I feel better... =)

Embrace and love yourself,
Even the more darker and imperfect part of yourself,
No one knows you more than yourself,
And sometimes you can count only on yourself...
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
krstnrcksbtt Offline
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Name: Kristen (Rocks Butt)
Gender: Female
Location: Illinois (United States)

Posts: 26
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: July 27th 2009

Re: Why I Am Who I Am - June 30th 2011, 06:16 PM

That is a very difficult roll to take on. (being second mother) I can relate to that
well. You sound like a big dreamer, and that is wonderful. I know your dreams will
come true. This whole post is very, very inspiring to me, and probably many others.
I'm glad that you've figured out who you are. I'm still working on that. Making
animated films would be so difficult. I wish I had that kind of artistic ability. I don't
care if you're dad is unsupportive. You really need to do what you love. I would come
see all your films. Also, one more thing, don't say that you aren't that smart, because
you really are.
Honestly, this is amazing. You WILL go far in life. Best of luck.
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