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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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fatdumpling Offline
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Unhappy I just want to be okay again, nothing more, nothing less. - July 5th 2011, 12:32 PM

This is going to be long so I'll apologize from now, I really don't know where to start with this... All I know is that I've been pretty much the same for two whole years now.

Back in 2009 I've had a horrible life changing ordeal, which was completely my own fault. I am the reason my mother has issues with her health, I am the reason that nearly got her killed not once, but twice. I wanted to end it all right then, the first time I messed things up and I was so close to it, if she hadn't pulled me out of the way of that speeding car I'd be gone, to this day I still don't understand how she found the strength to save the person who hurt her the most, and the fact that I'm her daughter doesn't change my opinion on this.

It's 2011 now, and I still have trouble sleeping and waking up, and as cliche as it sounds, my heart honestly feels heavy, like there's a constant burden on me that I just can't shake off. I've seen a psychologist, I've talked to my friends but nothing was enough to permanently change my negative views on life. I spend majority of nights crying to sleep, and last night I honestly felt like I had lost it, while crying I wanted to scream real loud, my mouth opened but nothing came out, it almost felt as if I was choking back on it and I just lay there trying to hold back. I couldn't afford to wake my family up, they think I got over this a loooong time ago.

I haven't, I'm still paying the consequences of my actions every single day, and it isn't getting any easier. I started self harming in 2009, and that hasn't stopped either, however, I'm 48 days sh free but I'm getting really bad urges nowadays and I don't know if it's worth keeping it off any longer. The suicidal thoughts have lessened, so that's one improvement, but they still come back whenever a new problem arises.

I don't know what's wrong with me, it's not normal to feel sad for two whole years, is it?
   
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wk3096 Offline
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Re: I just want to be okay again, nothing more, nothing less. - July 5th 2011, 08:04 PM

Hey, I wish I knew your name. First thing I want to say is that I am thankful that you are still her and we, teenhelp community, really care for your wellbeing. Trust me on this though taking your life is never the answer, I have tried many times, but unsucessfully becasue I am still here. I know it is really hard for you to forgive yourself of tragey you almost caused to your mother twice, but your mother understands you trust me. Parents are always understanding and always cares for you and forgives you. The last thing she would want to see is you dying right infront of her, and realizing she could've done something, which your burden of almost killing her will be released, but she will have burden of watching you die and not doing anything. I know how you wouldn't want to get your family involved in this, but talking to your family on this problem is always the best, it is sometimes better than talking to a psychologist. Your family has a special bond, unlike psychologist who you don't know at all. I know it is easier said than done, but try to communicate with your family and tell them how you feel about this sitution, and what you have been going through, I bet they will be able to help you a lot in many different ways. I am glad that your suicidal thought has decreased and if your parents knew they will be really proud that you are keeping reality in check. For your last question, it is ok to be sad for two whole years, people have different time frame on how they get better emotionally. It is just like if someone was to break a bone, some people will heal faster than others so no worries and I want you to remember that you can PM me at any time and I will always be there for you!!
   
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