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Wtf- Offline
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Uh... - July 7th 2011, 05:41 AM

I've gotten to the point where I'm scared of myself, and the potential I have in causing harm to myself (physically and mentally), and.. other people. I know I'm not stable. I can feel it coming again I'm close to snapping. At something, I don't know. Everything is too fine I haven't done anything wrong in a long time.


I don't get it. I feel like I'm having a mental breakdown, but I can't let anyone else see. I feel I don't need them worrying about me. Like I don't deserve it. I can't even just fucking sit and stare out into space anymore either. Every moment that I'm not in a conversation, or preoccupied, my mind viciously attacks me.


And I'm freaking myself out, as well. I was in the car the other day during a driving lesson with my best friend and his uncle, and I literally was thinking of swerving into the path of an oncoming car. I mean my dead just got in a head on transport truck collision in December, and I'm already wanting to experience the event first hand? Really?


Then there's the fact that I have absolutely no control over anything. I can't for the life of me, put myself to bed. And then when I fall asleep, I just can't get up at all. It's almost like I have to freakin' knock myself out in order to sleep. It's retarded.


Then there's the fact that I can't control my intake of food. Every time I eat something that is healthy I totally freak out inwardly and beat myself up over it while I'm eating it.


Then I go for seconds.


What the hell?


I know how to eat properly. I know what I should be eating. It's not a matter of not knowing. It's a matter or just not being able to have any self discipline.


Yeah, I know. I should be talking to a psychologist or something but really? I've been to like, five. They don't help. Talking about it doesn't help it just sinks me deeper into my problems. Neither does cognitive therapy. It just. Doesn't. Work.


Then there's the fact that I went off my anti-depressants. I've been on anti-depressants since I was eight years old. I need a break from them. I need to be myself. I don't think I ever grew into being myself. I didn't have the time to.


Who gives anti-depressants to an eight year old? It's beyond me.


Anyway, I went off them because they just don't help. I've tried a bajillion different types, and whatever. The only thing left it Lithium and I definitely do not want to go down that route. That's just... no. I'm fucking terrified of that stuff.


It's like I'm completely fucking helpless. Which I am sort of.


I've also found myself craving contact but not the sexual type. More like I feel like I need hugs and cuddle time and crap with a special someone. But like it's getting ridiculous, because I'm freakin' terrified of it to. I don't know why I am, don't ask me. But like, one moment I'll lean in and hug someone, then all of a sudden I'll feel like I'm in an uncomfortable predicament and try to get out of the hug as fast as possible.


So I think I want it but I don't?


I'm just so confused, and lost.


Yes, and I'll admit.


Scared.


Any thoughts, lovelies?
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Re: Uh... - July 7th 2011, 06:52 AM

Okay, so i just think you should analyze your past.

What happened when you were 8? what made you depressed? I think thats one way to start. Just think about it PM me if you would like, its easier for me to remember to respond to those


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Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is SCARS
They don't see the ANGEL
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Re: Uh... - July 7th 2011, 08:12 AM

Hrm... When I was eight.

I'd just skipped into grade three. I'd just started getting bullied then. It was also around the time my mother returned from her first hospital visit.
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Re: Uh... - July 7th 2011, 06:54 PM

skipping grades can lead to crazy emotional stress later on; I went through that and I feel like I was forced to grow up too fast...if that point of view helps you at all. they didn't give me anti-depressants but I did go to therapy...didn't really help too much at the time. But good luck


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Re: Uh... - July 9th 2011, 04:42 AM

Possibly, but I'd had worse things happen to me before then. I'm not sure if that's where it started off. Besides, I'm not sure how skipping a grade in the past strictly relates to me wanting to ram a car full of passengers into a transport truck despite the consequences.

I mean like, wow.
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Re: Uh... - July 9th 2011, 02:59 PM

Mm, well not specifically BUT it's the little things built up that have a major impact.


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