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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Name: Becca
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So suicide, eh? - July 14th 2011, 10:09 PM

So heres the deal, Ive been having a very rough day today. I've been dealing with chronic depression and anxiety for 4 years, and it's been a huge uphill battle. One thing that causes my depression to worsen is being alone for prolonged periods of time. I'm alone all day everyday and all night except for about an hour everyday when my mom is around. (Except that I dont really want her around because I have to take care of her) I became very suicidal today due to a lot of problems, but the most immediate trigger was lonliness and the feeling that ive been abandoned.

Most days I try to escape from reality by reading or watching tv during the 12 hours I'm awake. But today things caught up to me. I became so angry and resentful at myself for being unable to fix the problems in my life, and being able to make a change for the better that I wanted to kill myself. I got into my mood where everything looked like a weapon. Ex: the jarred candles could be smashed for sharp peices of glass. I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts long enough to know to start looking for reasons i need to live. And they were the shittiest reasons ever.

My reasons to live are so that I can take care of my mom like an infant while she goes about caring only for herself. My next reason was that I can't hurt my friends with my death, despite the fact that they won't talk to me and don't want to be around me while I'm alive. My next reason was that I'm ranked 3rd in my class and have a boatload of opportunites ahead of me. I don't even know if what I may do in the future will ever make me happy. Three years ago I convinced myself not to kill myself because that my life could get better with time, but it's still the same as ever.

I just feel so lost and hopeless. I have to turn to a bunch of online strangers (no offense) for comfort because my own friends dont genuinely care for me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel like im metaphorically chained to a wall and all I ever wanted is in a box on the other side of the room. All I have to do is break free, but I dont know how. I can't die because then I'll never get anything either. Sighhh. I feel so trapped, there isnt anything I can do to try to make things better, and I can't kill myself because that doesnt make it better either. All I can do is be miserable.

I feel like everyday I sit here, I'm killing myself anyway. I'm not really living, I'm just sitting and dieing from old age very slowly. =(

Does anyone have any advice for ways or things I can do to make myself happier? Or any advice you feel is necessary in general.


"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." ~Oscar Wilde
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Re: So suicide, eh? - July 15th 2011, 12:01 AM

Hey Becca,

You're young. I know you've probably had lots of people tell you this but you've got to believe me when I say that it will get better. You're still in high school, that's a really rough time. If anyone tells you it's the best years of your life, it's only because they don't remember how much it sucks. You've got a lot of responsibilities but no one treats you like you know how to handle them yet. But it will get better; you don't know what freedom is yet. It's coming, faster then you can imagine, and it'll get to you faster then you think if you let it. Congrats on 3rd in your class, by the way-that's amazing.

I also suffer from a problem with loneliness sometimes, but it's not as bad as yours. Being an only child (which I assume you are) doesn't help. It's great that you're reaching out for help. Don't ever be ashamed that you're looking for help from strangers-sometimes they can be better than physical friends.

As far as advice on the loneliness, just know that you're not alone. Jesus is there, always, and He loves you very much and doesn't want you to be sad. When you're sitting at home and feel alone, I find it always helps to turn on some music. The sound can be really comforting in a quiet house, and pairing it with an online chatroom set up just for teens might help a lot. The great thing about the Internet is that there's always someone, somewhere, willing to talk to just about anyone about anything.

You're not dying, and you haven't really begun to live yet. It'll come but unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make it come any faster. A million reasons to die carry less weight then one tiny reason to live.

Michelle


Hey! You are my sunshine on a rainy day, it's gonna be okay.
   
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Re: So suicide, eh? - July 15th 2011, 12:12 AM

Heey hon,
I understand what you mean by everything seemed like a weapon. I was in class once and everything looked capable of making a slit in my wrist. But you need to know life is cherished by so many and people would kill for the life you have even if it's been fucked up.
Plus you're young so you are capable of anything in your future.
I know sometimes these "online strangers" may seem stupid, but I've made friends online that have helped with me with my emotional thoughts and I've went through them fine knowing someone somewhere cares enough to talk me out of it.

Ever need someone to make you feel happy? I'm here. < 3
   
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Re: So suicide, eh? - July 15th 2011, 04:47 AM

So Becca, hey there, i most likely aint the best person to ask advice from but hey, here's my piece of my mind.

Before i go ahead and make my points, i would like to make sure that a person as young as you, having those thoughts has sought some professional help in the field of psychology. If you have and some analysis, therapy or medication was suggested, i'd suggest continuing to follow said advice. If not, i urge you to seek out such help as soon as possible, i also went to a psychoanalyst at your age and it really helped me get over of some of my problems, i can only hope that something like that would help you as much or even more.


I can't claim to understand your loneliness, i was fortunate enough to be raised in a mediocre house with a
mediocre family and be faced with mostly mediocre dillemas and responsibilities. What i can do though, is give you advice to work with from now on...

Unfortunately i can't give you a reason to live, but even if u wanted hard enough to believe it, it would all just crumble away because it is not your dream, not your goals, not your reason. Life is a journey, as they say, and what you believe that awaits you after this journey is over, is of little importance. You have some time on planet Earth and you should do as much as you can with it. You are a young and apparently intelligent person, you are the 3rd of your class and if you are willing to, you can have a great future ahead of you. You will soon be done with scool and that's when life really unfolds infront of your eyes, and all the pawns you can play are in your hands.
You need through carefull thought, self reflection and emotional insight to find your very own reason to live for,
a way so when you are on your deathbed, looking back onto your life, you can say to yourself, "Life well spent."
There are a lot of "reasons" to live for, i will post just a few:
Money, Fame, Creativity, Love, Fun, Contribution to Society.
You can live to make alot of money and be rich and always have the economic capability to purchase anything you ever want.
You can live for the Creativity of Art, be it music, poems, dancing or paintings, each work of art has a story to tell.
You can live for the Fun of enjoying a life time of good times, enjoying your life as much as possible, and always focusing on having the most fun out of each moment that passes.
You can live for the valiance of contributing to society, be it Charity, Politics or Scientific Research, you can help society move on and evolve through your very work.

Point is that there are as many "reasons" out there as there are people, and the fact that you haven't found your reason yet does not mean you never will. I'm 19 and i only recently found my reason, and to be honest i know of people that found it much later. What you need to do know is make the most of every moment that you are living, try to see the beauty in being young and try to learn who you really are as much possible, it will greatly help you when the time comes.

ps. Don't ever let anyone take your reason-your dream from you, it's yours to have and live and you should never take a step back from it just because of temporary situations.

I hope my own, small piece of mind helps.
   
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Re: So suicide, eh? - July 17th 2011, 05:16 AM

Thank you guys for your insight. In response to the raising of therapy and treatment, I was in therapy a few years ago for a few months but had to stop because even the local children's advocacy therapy centers (cheaper than private ones) are too expensive for my mom.

=)


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Re: So suicide, eh? - July 20th 2011, 03:09 AM

Well that sucks, alot =/
On the brighter side, you can always seek help on the TeenHelp forums, there are some amazing people around, always willing to help other people in need...
Sure it may not be therapy, but you know that you can always turn to the forums in your hour of need... Sure we are strangers, as you have stated, but that's the beauty of this...
We are people that can be objective, not prematurely judge you like family and friends sometimes do, and we WILL work with the info you give us about you and strive to help you face any problems you have in the best way possible...

Remember Beccs, you are still too young to see your life as predetermined...
You have SO many things to live for, and the vast majority of them is still unknown to you...
And that's the beauty of it ^-^

Anytime you need anything feel free to PM me, i'm here for ya =D
   
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