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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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We Will Never Be Loved - July 15th 2011, 08:25 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Title says it all. We shall never be loved.

I know what I am. I am Psychotic. There is no way around it. I hate putting labels on things, but there is no way around the facts. I know what I am. I have been this since I was nine. I grew up in fear of the voices. In horror at what I saw outside my window, or running through the treetops. I watched in horror as posters would warp. I would ask my parents or friends if they saw the strange vortex that opened up over the dinner table. My whole world was a horrid perversion of reality.

I have done my part. I have trained my mind to separate what is real from what is not. I have trained myself to maintain control of the louder voices and keep a cap on who I am. Unless people knew what the cause was, they would say I just have mood swings.

But..I am growing tired of this. Let's face it..I will never find love. I will never keep friends or a job.

People see psychotics and they immediately assume one of two things. They either think the person is going to put on a ski mask and chainsaw little children. Or they say "Oh how cute! They have little imaginary friends!"

I'm sick of being called a liar. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm fucking sick of being told I am fake. I am fucking sick of being treated like a criminal when I have done nothing. I'm sick of being denied friends because they learn what I am. I do not want to live in a world where I have to perpetually hide who I am every day..just to be accepted in society.

I like to believe myself not suicidal anymore..and the voices actually keep me from self harm. Still, I am stable as I write this right now. I don't know what will happen if I snap..

I don't want to die..I want to live. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LIVE. But that's the thing. I'm not ALLOWED to live. No one out there will let me live. I'll never be accepted. I'll never be loved. I'll never find a home. I'll always just be..outcast. Well I've had it..

I've fucking had it..


Slowly, the people collected, amassing a vast number of bodies before him. And yet still, he waited until there was no point to waiting further. Now was the moment he stalled for not days, not months, but years. Raising his hand to into the air, he summoned fourth a unison cry.

"And let them fear who we have become. Let them wish they were among us. Let them run or submit. And let them know we can not be stopped. For we have become Legion. And we will never die."
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 16th 2011, 03:09 PM

Hi Legion.

First of all, I'm so sorry you've had a hard time with this. I know that 'sorry' means very little when I can't say it personally and change the way you feel by proving the way you feel is untrue, but I am truely sorry it's not been an enjoyable life so far for you. I can't say I understand what it's life to live in a world that sounds so terrifying, but then again, that's probably why people find it hard. I'm not for one second excusing the fact people are prejudice against you, and neither am I saying that it's acceptable to be so, but often if we don't understand something, we don't try to, and we rather just go with the crowd and assume things rather than knowing the facts. Of course this shouldn't be the case, and it isn't with everyone. There are plenty of people out there who support and try to be there for people like you. It's not great that you haven't found anyone like that yet, but it doesn't mean you wont. Keep going. Keep your head high because like you said, you have done nothing wrong. You are just as much a part of this world as anyone else, and you deserve to be treated as such. I understand this may be hard to believe, but I don't see any reason why you should be treated any differently to anyone else in terms of judgement. You deserve just as much happiness and success as anyone in this world, and I really do hope you find that out there somehow. Keep smiling, life will get better.

Take care,
Hollie.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 16th 2011, 03:50 PM

I apologize. That was mostly one of the voices speaking. Angel, can be rather cynical about life. I am actually a rather positive person. She feels that I will never find love or happiness in a world that "hates me". The world doesn't really hate psychotics, does it? It's just the doctors..and the people I have met..and most of the world. Ok so the odds are bad..but there has to be someone out there who likes my kind! I found a place..INTERVOICE..it is designed to assist voice hearers in being accepted in society. I'm joining them. =]

I appreciate your support. Having someone pull for you is a welcome change in a life where I've been beaten down constantly. I don't think my fight is over yet though. I'll be fighting until the day I die. Fighting myself. Fighting society. Fighting it all. Oh well..Such as it is.


Slowly, the people collected, amassing a vast number of bodies before him. And yet still, he waited until there was no point to waiting further. Now was the moment he stalled for not days, not months, but years. Raising his hand to into the air, he summoned fourth a unison cry.

"And let them fear who we have become. Let them wish they were among us. Let them run or submit. And let them know we can not be stopped. For we have become Legion. And we will never die."
   
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 17th 2011, 04:19 PM

Hey Legion, thanks for helping me out on my thread, and as i stumbled upon yours, i can't but feel i should give you my thoughts...

I can't claim to understand any of what it is you're going through.
But the truth is this:
All the people that go ahead and judge you, outcast you and condemn you for what you are, without even caring to learn more about you,
the people that are just so self-absorbed, shoving you off, justifying their actions in their miserable excuse for a mind are just
NOT WORTH YOUR TIME

That's all there is to it, you don't need to relate with those people, care for their thoughts or even strive to make em see you for who you really are.
Those people are just not worth you.

Yes it can be hard, we all need to feel acceptance, some more and some less.
Yes it will be harder for you than people like me, supposedly "normal people".
But when some1 really loves you and cares for you, you're gonna know that they're gonna be worth it 100%,
cause that means they see through all of the profiling and outcasting society promotes.
You don't have to wonder if the people you just met are just getting close to you to use you for their own purposes.
Cause you know, bastards like those people are dumb and ignorant enough to not "risk" contact with a "psychotic person".

So yea dude, be strong keep fighting everything that stands in the way of you being happy.
Anything you want to talk i'm here for you, Pm me and ill give ya my msn or skype and we can talk anytime you need.
   
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 17th 2011, 04:48 PM

It's hard for me to completely understand how you think and feel. But it seems like love might actually be of help to you... not necessarily from a significant other, but a friend or parent or neighbor, or someone like that. I know you say/feel like you can't be loved, but maybe that's just because you haven't found the right person? Or path? I don't necessarily think being psychotic means you can't find someone to love you. It might be harder and take more patience, but I think if you are capable of showing someone else love and care, you can receive some back. I can relate to feeling unloved, and maybe even alone, and it's hard. For all the psychotic qualities you have though, (from other things I've seen you write), it seems like you also are very rational and sensible.

You seem conflicted, yes? Maybe divided and sometimes out of control? Are those things you can't resolve or get a hold on, or do you just want to let them out of your mind sometimes, but can control them when you need to? It seems like you *do* have a great amount of self control, but I can imagine it's very hard not to talk about what's on your mind. I can relate a little bit-- it's hard to keep secrets or to hold back. Maybe you can find a way to channel the psychotic thoughts or divided thoughts or whatever you normally hold back and put them towards something. Maybe even letting them out more could actually help you feel better. (I'm making a lot of assumptions here, and I'm really sorry, but I'm just trying to piece everything together as best I can, but I sincerely apologize if I'm overstepping or mislabeling, etc).


What do you think stops you from keeping jobs and friends? Do you think there is something wrong with you? Or something wrong with how you connect to people? Or do you get frustrated and self sabotage the relationship? Is work too much to handle while your struggling mentally/emotionally?

Have you ever gone to a support group? I'm not really talking about hospitals and doctors, but more of a nurturing setting, just to share feelings and thoughts? I'm sure there are others who experience similar feelings and worries that you do... maybe connecting with some of those people could be beneficial. I am sure you've tried several things though, I just figure I should suggest at least *something.*


To be honest, I think you're stronger than you might know? (or maybe you DO know ) But reaching out for help here is fantastic And I think those qualities stand out to people. No one is perfect by any means, and perhaps you see your flaws as larger than others, but you still have amazing traits, no? I don't know you all that well, but just from what I gather around the forums... it seems like you always mean well.

Since this was in the Depression and Suicide forum, I'm wondering where you stand with that. You said you might snap, but in general you like to think of yourself as not suicidal, yes? What would make you snap? What would help you not snap? Are you worried about your safety? Do you know anything that might calm you down if you get worked up? I wish I could help more, but here I am just asking questions. Do you think you are depressed? I believe I read in another thread that you feel happy a lot, too. (But maybe abnormally happy?). Maybe you're emotions are hard to keep track of?

I am not sure where I am going at all with this post, I was trying to help and be supportive, but who knows where I'm taking this >.> I apologize for that. I just think you deserve more than you're getting right now. And I really hope you can feel love from someone, soon.

Take care and be safe


   
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 18th 2011, 12:54 AM

Thanks Doom. I know they are not worth my time..but I can't help but feel like society just..hates me. Every time I hear "psychotic killer" used as an all-in-one term it really puts me down. I know often they don't really know what they are saying is offensive..but it still sucks. Nice when people reach out to you despite it all. Thanks. =] Toss me a PM. I'd love to Skype!

Ok, this next one. Let's break it all down:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitch, Please View Post
It's hard for me to completely understand how you think and feel. But it seems like love might actually be of help to you... not necessarily from a significant other, but a friend or parent or neighbor, or someone like that. I know you say/feel like you can't be loved, but maybe that's just because you haven't found the right person? Or path?

I had love once..true love..or at least I thought it was. I have been cheated on twice..sorta given up on love for right now. As for path, I have my passion. I am a DJ, I love to mix. I am also a writer, for it channels my psychotic tenancies into art. These are my driving forces.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitch, Please View Post
I don't necessarily think being psychotic means you can't find someone to love you. It might be harder and take more patience, but I think if you are capable of showing someone else love and care, you can receive some back. I can relate to feeling unloved, and maybe even alone, and it's hard. For all the psychotic qualities you have though, (from other things I've seen you write), it seems like you also are very rational and sensible.

All I ever do is love others. I've never been in a fist fight. I'm always the first to apologize no matter what. I'll be the first to say hello to others. And I'll hug you even if we just met. I'm just..outgoing. My friends..they say I would never hurt a fly. And they are correct, I never would. I am not a threat to anyone or anything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitch, Please View Post
You seem conflicted, yes? Maybe divided and sometimes out of control? Are those things you can't resolve or get a hold on, or do you just want to let them out of your mind sometimes, but can control them when you need to? It seems like you *do* have a great amount of self control, but I can imagine it's very hard not to talk about what's on your mind. I can relate a little bit-- it's hard to keep secrets or to hold back. Maybe you can find a way to channel the psychotic thoughts or divided thoughts or whatever you normally hold back and put them towards something. Maybe even letting them out more could actually help you feel better. (I'm making a lot of assumptions here, and I'm really sorry, but I'm just trying to piece everything together as best I can, but I sincerely apologize if I'm overstepping or mislabeling, etc).

No boundaries have been broken, dear friend. My life is a constant conflict. Each of the voices have an opinion and often one or more won't be pleased with a decision the rest agree on. It's an uphill struggle every day. I won't lie..though most of my voices are harmless and even helpful and loving..there are the bad ones. Knoxx, one of my main seven, hates people. All people, save for me. He is a result of all the mistreatment I have received, at least that is my belief. If I did not control him..it could be bad. But I, along with the other six voices, manage to keep him and any other psychotically hateful tenancies under control. Without self control..I would not be a free man. I suppose 'tis the same with all of us, yes?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitch, Please View Post
What do you think stops you from keeping jobs and friends? Do you think there is something wrong with you? Or something wrong with how you connect to people? Or do you get frustrated and self sabotage the relationship? Is work too much to handle while your struggling mentally/emotionally?

I do not think "wrong" is the word here. I do not feel like I am a mistake. The world is also not a mistake. But yet I still do not fit here. I feel like there is another world I should be in. I feel like I don't belong here at all. Not saying I am better or worse. I'm saying I don't fit into society really. I just..see things and say things differently.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitch, Please View Post
Have you ever gone to a support group? I'm not really talking about hospitals and doctors, but more of a nurturing setting, just to share feelings and thoughts? I'm sure there are others who experience similar feelings and worries that you do... maybe connecting with some of those people could be beneficial. I am sure you've tried several things though, I just figure I should suggest at least *something.*

Tried support groups. They all tell me to seek doctors help to drug the ever loving fuck out of me. That, or they treat it as "D'aww he has imaginary friends! Cute!" I hate them all..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitch, Please View Post
To be honest, I think you're stronger than you might know? (or maybe you DO know ) But reaching out for help here is fantastic And I think those qualities stand out to people. No one is perfect by any means, and perhaps you see your flaws as larger than others, but you still have amazing traits, no? I don't know you all that well, but just from what I gather around the forums... it seems like you always mean well.

I never seek to harm. Myself, AND the voices, we all only seek to create and heal. That is all we ever wanted. And yet we are hated for doing so. This world is built on a series of flaws coming together to create order. I am no different from any other flawed mess of humanity. It is what makes us all unique and beautiful. I just wish my flaws were not hated as they are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitch, Please View Post
Since this was in the Depression and Suicide forum, I'm wondering where you stand with that. You said you might snap, but in general you like to think of yourself as not suicidal, yes? What would make you snap? What would help you not snap? Are you worried about your safety? Do you know anything that might calm you down if you get worked up? I wish I could help more, but here I am just asking questions. Do you think you are depressed? I believe I read in another thread that you feel happy a lot, too. (But maybe abnormally happy?). Maybe you're emotions are hard to keep track of?

I have several dozen suicide attempts on my record. Several landed me in the hospital. These were not half-assed either. I am lucky to be alive. This is why I fear for myself. I have the potential in me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitch, Please View Post
I am not sure where I am going at all with this post, I was trying to help and be supportive, but who knows where I'm taking this >.> I apologize for that. I just think you deserve more than you're getting right now. And I really hope you can feel love from someone, soon.

Take care and be safe
Thank you, my friend. You have helped by just showing me that not all people are like the others. You care for me. I could not ask for a better gift. Thank you.


Slowly, the people collected, amassing a vast number of bodies before him. And yet still, he waited until there was no point to waiting further. Now was the moment he stalled for not days, not months, but years. Raising his hand to into the air, he summoned fourth a unison cry.

"And let them fear who we have become. Let them wish they were among us. Let them run or submit. And let them know we can not be stopped. For we have become Legion. And we will never die."
   
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 18th 2011, 01:39 AM

Hey,
I can't say I know how you feel because honestly, I have no clue. But what I can say is that you aren't alone. The people you are talking about obviously aren't the right people to be friends with. If they are real friends, they will accept you for who you are. I've learned that through my experiences. It's a tough fact to accept when people close to you leave for such things but eventually you need to know who your true friends are. One thing I see you may be doing which I tend to do myself is overgeneralizing. I have learned that when one's emotions go up, it's easy just to say "no one loves me" or "everything sucks". In order for me to feel better, I have to break it down. For example, my parents love more even when they are mad at me and I have a few friends that love me even during fights and some parts of life do stink, but I have this to look forward to and that to look forward to. I hope I helped. I'd write more but my laptop battery is about to die! Let me know if you ever need to talk, I'm always here
Alessa


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If I can make it out, you can too.
   
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 18th 2011, 01:40 AM

I'm glad I could show you some care I have another question (Sorry!!); you seem to differentiate yourself and your voices. Do you have a voice in the mix of seven? Do you consider yourself the mixing of all seven? How does that work for you?

You seem to have a damn good outlook on things, in my eyes. Which is actually pretty incredible for everything you have to fight each day. I'm really impressed. I'm not sure anyone really thinks they fit into society. Or maybe I'm wrong. But I don't generally think I'm just one of the sheep... I think my past and what I struggle with keeps me outside that "perfect" bubble. I do think, though, it's hard for people to accept some differences over others... and the cards you have now are really hard to play, but I figure you'll learn some tricks and figure out how to "win" (I'm extending the metaphor a little much...).

You have passions (DJing) and hope and love and determination, yes? Seems like some pretty great things to help you along. I'm sorry support groups have *not* been supportive. I know how hard it can be to feel rejected when reaching out for help or support. It freaking sucks. I can also relate to the medication aspect-- I never wanted medication.... I felt as though I should be able to handle it and that there are tools out there to help me live my life without them. I can imagine the medication you might be on/ were on had some major effects... not necessarily desired either =\

I really hope you don't try to kill yourself again. You have a lot to offer to everyone. Do you think you do as well? What are those suicidal moments like for you?

Once again, sorry if I misunderstood anything you wrote.


   
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 18th 2011, 04:28 PM

It may be that I have never actually "Heard" the thoughts of psychotic person, but it seems that you are a very perplexing individual.

If what you say is true and you can manage to control your episodes at least somewhat, on your own, you are amazingly mentally strong.

I feels as though I have no right to post here, because I haven't experienced what you are experiencing. And to be honest I cannot even imagine. It must be terrifying to be trapped no matter where you go, and to always see things that may or may not be there. I cannot fathom those feelings of distress.

However just because you are a very unique individual does not mean rules do not apply to you. Suicide is against the law (Attempts are not. If you comit it, it's kind of too late) and to be honest suicide is morally troubling. It shows a failrue to get help, and a failure for others to listen and treat you with compassion. This is the part of your post I understand. Suicide feels right, but it's not. It's not right and it's not the only choice. I understand how frustrating and alone you must feel. No I can't understand that. The feelings of isolation. It's too abstract to not only feel different but to honestly be different and an outsider.

Now, you can feel free to PM me is you have anything to say. I will listen no matter what you have to say or who inside of your head is speaking. However I have no idea what to really say about psychotic episodes, so although I will listen, I cannot promise I will have helpful feed back or even know how to help the situation at all. I am there for you if you need it however.

- Justin



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Load it, check it, quick, rewrite it"
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Re: We Will Never Be Loved - July 19th 2011, 01:05 AM

Alessa: This post was a sadder side of me. I mostly just feel this angry/sad when I think of hospitals and doctors. The bastards..

Ask: I am my own voice, I am the eighth voice that shares this body. We are all equal, but I hold the final say most of the time. Almost like a leader, but more like I was just chosen to take the controls. Sometimes, the voices have taken control of my body or voice completely, and it's scary and cool at the same time. I usually do not mind and no one is the wiser. (Save for a few close close friends who can see the change in me. But in the end, we are eight, including me.

I am thinking of cutting the medication completely. It does more bad than good..and I can not trust psychs. I can't trust anyone really..

Suicide attempts in the past have been fearful. I wake in a stupor after the attempt with no memory of the actual event. Usually I than proceed to cry alone. It's all very dramatic. Should be a prime time special.

Justin: I do not "control" them per-say. I am just able to tell what is real and what is not. I will hallucinate that a picture is changing, let's say. I will just look away, assuring myself the image can not change on it's own. With enough time, I can recover myself. that is a small episode though. In cases where I actually begin to lose control, it can be a mess. I feel the episode coming on, and they come on faster than a depressive attack. You feel the world changing, you feel immensely paranoid, usually that is when the mass hallucinations commence, it is chaos in your mind, and any friend that knows me knows how to help. Talk to me, make me look you in the eye, do not let me lose focus, and continue to talk to me. Keep me rooted in the here and now, on something I know is real. I don't know if all psychotics deal the same but that is how I cope with the whole thing.

My world is a gift and a curse. I would not give it up for the world. I love the voices, I love the things I see, it makes life interesting. Most of all? It makes me, me. I don't want to lose it, for than I would not be me. But, to have to ask people often "Hey..do you see that person out there?" and to always get back "What person?" or to always see these small black creatures hunting you from the trees and bushes as soon as the sun goes down or to have the constant threat of losing your mind in the middle of a cluster of people.. (It's immensely obvious..you usually flinch and fall over) THAT is the downside. But it is worth it for all the good.

I just..hate doctors. The "help" people so many say to go to. They LIED to me. They HURT me. They attempted to MURDER all of them. Every voice..they wanted to kill us all! KILL US. LIKE VERMIN. We are not fucking vermin!


Slowly, the people collected, amassing a vast number of bodies before him. And yet still, he waited until there was no point to waiting further. Now was the moment he stalled for not days, not months, but years. Raising his hand to into the air, he summoned fourth a unison cry.

"And let them fear who we have become. Let them wish they were among us. Let them run or submit. And let them know we can not be stopped. For we have become Legion. And we will never die."
   
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