Triggering: My Story...

[Intoxication]

So... to be blunt, I made a plan. Well, same one I had when I posted my other thread. I'm going to commit suicide in October.
I... can't explain why until you hear the whole story,
so, should I post it here, or would that just bother you guys?
I feel the need to get it out because it just hurts too bad... should I?

[Kristen1995]

Hi, Kyra. I know how you feel. I constantly feel suicidal and even have made plans. I would be a hypocrite if I asked you not to do it, but I don't want you to die. I'm here to listen to your story. If you ever want to talk, you can write here or pm me anytime.

[justfallinginlove]

I would also like to read your story and be of any help I can. Its not a bother at all <3

[Intoxication]

Ok... Here goes...

I'm a child of divorced parents. I know I'm not alone in that; you rarely find a child with parents still together. However, I think maybe I had the best case scenario- my dad lives in Texas and I live in Arizona- but he still pays child support faithfully and willingly. He tries so hard to be a part of our lives. My sister and I go to see him during the summer and Christmas. Sometimes both, sometimes only one. He sends us clothes, money, presents for Xmas/birthdays, and supplies for school because my mom is a single parent with a crappy job. I'm 14, so I can't get a job yet. My parents regularly discuss things regarding their children, and very rarely are they not polite and civil. I've heard her cuss at him before, and they often hang up on one another when it gets ugly. But they can sit in the same room with a child between them and be civil. I think that's as good as it gets, right? So... why do I feel I grew up without a father? My mom didn't have... like, A LOT of boyfriends, but there were a few different guys. She pawned us around whenever she felt like it, moving to Wisconsin when the love of her life broke up with her then moving back when he kissed up to her. Many times we've had to pack our stuff and move out only to move back in. My parents divorced when I was 6- it was final when I was 6, I mean- but they separated when I was 3 or 4. I don't have any memories of my father when my parents were still married.

When I was 7 (my sister and I are twins, by the way) my older brother, 3 years my senior, began molesting me. A year later, he got my stepbrother (my mom's boyfriend's son) to do it to me too. I was first, but they started on my sister soon after. For four years it went on- touching, raping, fondling- until my sister's friend put together the pieces from the hints she was dropping and told her sisters, who were in my brother's grade, who told the counselor, who called police and CPS. My brother was removed from the house (living at my mom's in AZ) when he graduated 8th grade two months later and sent to live with my dad. That was three years ago, he has not lived with us since. But during the molestation/rape, he would say I was fat. "You walk like an elephant! You're too heavy to be beautiful." He'd poke fun at my "little girl" chest. "You won't get a guy if you don't have big tits. You have to be sexy and do what he wants or else you'll be single for the rest of your life." He'd record me giving him lap dances, take pictures... He ruined my self esteem. I now struggle with bouts of anorexia, bulimia... I hate him.

When the kids at my school found out, they called me a dirty little slut. They said I was a whore for 'letting my brother do it with me'. They said I was a shame to society and they outcasted me. They still do it.

When I was 11, in October of my sixth grade year (I turned 12 later that school year) I began cutting. I was having issues with a boy in seventh grade... meaning we argued and fought a lot. (Nothing physical) I remember the day I hacked at my arm on October 24, 2008 and haven't looked back since. I've never been able to go more then three months without it.

I began feeling suicidal when I was 9 years old. I lived in a second story house at the time, and my bedroom was on the second floor. I rationalized jumping out of the window and thinking, they won't miss me. I have been feeling suicidal for 5 years straight. Not a day goes by that I don't think about suicide.

The boy I was having issues with... well... I admit I had a crush on him He'll tell you I began cutting and threatening suicide because he wouldn't date me. I don't know where he gets that, but it's not true. He's kinda self centered sometimes...
On October 31, 2008, I finally told Chayce I was cutting. I felt he seriously hated me and I couldn't handle it. This is all that ensued.

I walked up to him with a friend of mine, and she called his name. He turned around, but I was looking down. I never saw his face... I rolled up my sleeve and looked to the left... and there was silence. A kid standing next to him said after about 7 seconds... "CHAYCE. What... what are you looking at?!" I never saw his face... but with that kind of reaction from his friend, I can only imagine After I heard that, I took off. This is the story I heard from a friend who encountered him later:

"He was just standing in the corner of the lockers, holding his stomach like he was going to be sick. He was crying, tears just streaming down his face... just sobbing. He was shaking so hard, and was white as a T-shirt. He was hyperventilating, and his eyes were wide. I asked him what was wrong, and all he said was your name."

I cried when I heard that, I never meant for it to turn out that way.

The next Monday (It was on a Friday) I knew I was gonna have to face him. After third period, it finally happened. I walked past him standing in line for the next class, and he said... something. I dont remember what he said, but it caught my attention. I turned around and he said, "I don't hate you. Stop..." and it broke my heart. All I could say was "Okay." I cried in the next class. At lunch, we ended up walking past each other, and what he said... I think he may have even seen me cry to what he said. He looked me in the eye and said, "Stop." "...okay." And then he literally broke me when he said, "...please..."

Basically, it escalated to the point where he and I no longer talk.

I never meant to hurt him. That kind of thing... just makes me want to kill myself. I wish I could make things right, but I just can't.

So there's my story.

[justfallinginlove]

This is completely overwhelming to me. I am truely sorry for all that has happened with you.
I'm glad your no longer around your brother. A horrible thing he did.
The kids are heartless to tease you about it. They just don't understand.
Chayce...he seems like a sweet boy who really cares about you. Call him...out of the blue, the next opportunity you get. Don't bring up you selfharming and whatnot. Just talk. Talk about good things. Talk about summer breezes and crisp fall leaves. Talk until you run out of words. Just enjoy each others voices. He cares about you. And if he brings it up or asks you to stop, tell him your trying but its hard. But assure him that you'll try. And do try. You can do this, Kyra. You can clean yourself up. Go talk to the school counselor and let them help you get better. Theres always the option of anti-depresants. Work to stop cutting. And when you think suicidal thoughts, or have an urge to cut, call Chayce. Distract yourself. Picture his face and how much you want to make him proud. I believe in you. PM me if you ever want to talk.

[Intoxication]

I may have been able to do that 2 years ago... but not anymore. He just doesn't want to talk to me

[justfallinginlove]

Time is but a number on a circle my dear. Take my advice and call him. It will benefit you.

[Intoxication]

He effing hates me now He wont let me talk to him... I wish I could, but he won' do it

[justfallinginlove]

Im not trying to be pushy but when was the last time you tried? I dont see how he could care so much for you (and from his response to seeing your arm he obviously does) and yet hate you as you say... it just doesnt add up...

[Intoxication]

Well... something happened to push us apart...

[justfallinginlove]

Oh no...may I ask what happened?

[Intoxication]

Someone spread rumors that I was cutting again, and he believed it, and he estranged himself from me.

[justfallinginlove]

Urghh thats irritating...stupid rumors...So you cant atleast try?

[Intoxication]

No, I can't

[justfallinginlove]

This makes me sad... Im sorry...Hope can I help further?

[Kristen1995]

I feel sorry for what you have been through. We can't have control over everything. We need to learn to let go of things, otherwise we would be stuck in the rut all our lives.

In my opinion, all those factors are external and temporary. You would find someone who loved you unconditionally. Once you turn 18, you can live on your own to have a better enviroment. Just be patient. It would all come.

[Intoxication]

:| thanks... Im just confused... I told one of my friends about it, and later she said, "Why do all bad things happen in October, Kyra?" She wasn't necessarily emphatic about it, but I could tell she was trying to prove a point.
*She said that because a death in her family occurred in October, a death in my family occurred in October a couple years ago, and this situation between me and this kid started in October.

[Kristen1995]

Kyra,

Sorry for my late response. I've been super busy in the past few days due to the new semester. I hope you are feeling better now?

Maybe it was a coincidence. Try not to overthink or overanalyse things. It would not do any good but make you paranoid. Try to focus on only something positive or anything that interests you. Set a goal and then make efforts to complete it. And then set another one... It would be a good cycle that unlifts your self-confidence and self-esteem and helps to rid yourself of negative emotions and thoughts to a great extent.

I have questions for you: Have you changed your mind about killing yourself in October (I hope you have.)? Why October? (Is it because of what you thought in your last message?)

My dear, stay strong, okay? I'm concerned about you. PM me anytime if you ever want to talk.

[football94]

I'm truly sorry for all that has happened to you but please dont commit suicide. The kid you used to like cares about you thats why he asked you to stop. He wants you to stop cutting like all of us here at TH you should speak with him as soon as possible because that has left a deep scar in both of your lives, maybe if you talk with each other you might be able to move on from that particular incident

[justfallinginlove]

I 100% agree with the above poster. Just call him.

[amandaann]

I'm so sorry Hun. Don't kill yourself PM me anytime

[anothermuckedupkid]

Hey. I would like to hear your story. Everyone has reasons. I am here if you need me.

[justfallinginlove]

Hey. I would like to hear your story. Everyone has reasons. I am here if you need me.

This. Its 17 posts up. Read through the rest of the thread.

[Intoxication]

Umm... wow. I thought this thread died

UPDATE.

He... uh... actually said hi to me
I was walking behind him (we go to the same high school, I probs should've added that) and I took a second chance and said, "Hi, Chayce!" I did that on Friday, and he didn't respond. He heard me, but didn't respond, Today he turned around and waved, and said, "Hello,"
I was just like
Umm... yeah, so that gives me some hope. Not implying I needed that to want to live. But that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside
Things could be getting better. But I still have a wish to die.
And to whoever posted the question "Why October?" (I can't remember and I'm too lazy to scroll up ) Umm... it was originally gonna be this Friday, August 12. But then I decided to give my high school career a chance to play itself out, so I just said October.

[justfallinginlove]

^^^ like, like, like, like!!!

[Intoxication]

Hehehe... Thanksh. It made me verrrrrrry happy too
...but how the hell am I supposed to keep that... spark of OOMPH to wake up the next morning and tackle another day??

[justfallinginlove]

You just gotta do it! Wake up and think of how happy you felt when he said hi. It'll help start your day off good. And I like to play a favorite CD while im ggetting ready for school!!

[Intoxication]

I know, that definitely makes me happy, cuz he did it again today

But...life at home is getting worse. I need to reach out to someone in my physical life, because no matter how much help and love and support I get here (which is TREMENDOUS) there are times when I can't be on here. And in those times I need someone there for me. And I don't have that I feel hated by the people around me... like I'm worthless... what the hell is wrong with me?

[Darrenboy!]

i've read your whole story. and i think that you definitely deserve better... and do not commit suicide. we all love you so much. think about all the happiness you will get in the future we all love you so much. and please remember that whatever happens now is only a temporary thing...

try talking to someone around you that you know is understanding. I know the need for having someone to rant to , and talk to. because ... lets just say i've had my own brushes with the thought of self-induced death. Please remember, you are an awesome person.. dont let this get you down . and please remember that you deserve much better.

im glad that from the updates , things are looking like they will improve. and please remember , all and everyone of us are willing to help you out and make you happy. i think that you deserve the best, and please stay strong.

WE ALL LOVE YOU SO MUCH. i get the feeling that you just consider yourself as less wonderful and awesome than the people around you, which is false. I think you're more aweesome than they are, sorry to them

remember i'm always here for you to talk to. you deserve so much smiles, so much happiness. DO NOT! let this get you down! love you, love you, LOVE YOU!

[justfallinginlove]

Yay!!! Im so happy to hear that!!!
Im sorry to hear your home life is getting worse. Remember, its not to much longer til you can get outta there. And as far as finding someone to rant to/talk to other than here on TH, little by little rebuild your relationship with Chayce, he could be that person for you. Also, do you have any kids your age that live on your street? (considering the fact of not having use of ur cell u could just walk and meet em when you need too) If you do, try reaching out to them!! The guy I was telling you about, lets call him Jay (thats his nickname so...haha) he lives on my street so thats always a nice thing. And worse case scenario, youve always got me haha love you Kyra!! <3

[Intoxication]

... thanks guys...
So... as far as rebuilding my relationship... I think I might graduate to a "How you doing?" after the "Hi!"... but I don't know if I should wait for that. It hasn't even been a week yet...

[justfallinginlove]

Its not like your proposing, go for it! But if you don't feel comfortable wait til Monday.

[Darrenboy!]

dont worry.

a how you doing is a normal thing to say and remember that we're supporting you all the way. count on us!

[temmy]

When it comes down to it love, you have to live for you. Boys can give you that warm and fuzzy feeling which will put that smile on your face and thats what reminds you that there really is still hope left. When I am having my hardest of days and I feel like giving up. I think that the person that I am going to marry and have children with is out there right now. There is somebody on this planet that loves you so completely that they would die for you. They just don't know it yet and neither do you. That's what helps me keep going when I feel like there is nothing yet. Message me anytime you feel like talking, everybody here is there for you. We cannot waste another precious life.

[Intoxication]

I'm so... scared. I want to die so effing bad... I don't know what to do...

[Darrenboy!]

Kyra. dont.

remember there's so many good things that can happen in the future. if you die now, you're depriving yourself of all that. who knows that eventually things will like go upwards and you'd be so happy that your cheeks cant contain your smile?

stay strong! we all love you

[justfallinginlove]

Just breathe Kyra. Just breathe. In through your nose and out through you mouth. You can do this! You said you dont know what to do, well heres what you do: You pick yourself up, take a deep breath, dust yourself off, give a big smile, and carry on. Because you are stronger than you could ever know. Use that strength to live.
Think of that puppy, think of its sweet puppy eyes! Click through the pages of that link, maybe it'll make you smile. And pay close attention to the quote in black at the top of the home page.

Kyra I know you can do this. I see the strength in you. Please keep trying. Keep trying for me, for everyone here at TH, for Chayce, and for that beautiful puppy in your near future. Stay strong my love <3

[Intoxication]

Thank you... all of you...

[justfallinginlove]

Its my pleasure, love.

[Darrenboy!]

my pleasure too