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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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There's no Reason - August 20th 2011, 05:39 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So, I've really been thinking about things a lot. And it started all of this. I have decided that I do not believe in ANY Deities. Such as God or Jesus or any of that. I WANT to believe that such things exist, but I don't no matter how hard I try. So I think, well... it's not like there is a heaven after this anyway...

So I already start thinking that way. On top of that, I am in a bad financial situation, I'm not doing well with either of my parents (to the extreame), and I have no friends to turn to. My so called friends are always busy, and the only two that are willing to see me once in a blue moon, are very far away. Too far away for me to drive there with no gas money, and niether of them drive even though one is my age and the other is a year older.

Even my counselor tells me she is amazed I've pulled through this long. I am not only dealing with all of this now, but also previous events that have shattered me. All while I get to sit in my room everyday with nothing to do because I'm so broke and can't find a job. How have I pulled through this long? My boyfriend. He talks to me almost constantly, sees me almost everyday, and says nothing but positive things to me. He SEEMS perfect. However, he lies a lot. Usually about where he goes and things he does. He swears he stops, until I catch him again. He does it on a regular basis, and it has broken me down even more. So I feel ADDICTED to him, but at the same time, I sometimes think I am being tortured and toyed with. He seems so perfect at times and others I am just lied to like I don't matter. So now I'm not sure if I'm just a toy that he knows he can get away with doing whatever, or if he really doesn't care.

With all of this going on, I don't see a reason to live if I'm just going to suffer. I think about it every single day. I talk about it constantly to my lying boyfriend. It is consuming me. I feel so empty it's like I'm not even alive. I don't feel like I have anything to live for or even look forward to. Even if I think that maybe someday I will be happy, it's not worth this hell. NOTHING is worth me going through all of this.

I'm more than ready to end it. I just need the perfect opportunity.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Green Yoshi Offline
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Re: There's no Reason - August 20th 2011, 06:47 AM

do not end it. i suggest you move elsewhere, and create a new start for yourself. new environments means new possibilities. And i think that there certainly can and will be a possibility that you will discover your happiness. And at your new place, i suggest you get as busy and eventful as possible. Whether be it parties, or anything. just make sure you're filling yourself with happy memories to the brim = )

we cant lose another wonderful person. so we wish you support in all your endeavours. and we will be willing to offer support, any time.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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Re: There's no Reason - August 21st 2011, 06:13 PM

None of those are possible options for me. Firstly, I did say I have financial trouble. Which means I have no money to move anywhere. Moving is costly, and I can't afford to live on my own. I would starve to death without a job, which I haven't been able to find in the past year. I can't apply for diability either because I don't qualify.

I can't just go to parties either. Again, my mom. I'm barely allowed to leave my house. I'm not allowed after dark or for long periods of time.

There is literally nothing I can do. EVERYTHING is out of my control. I don't even have any friends either. The only ones I do have are too far away to see, especially since they don't drive and I don't have the money for gas. I don't know anyone else and I have no way of meeting anyone else since I am trapped at home with no where to go and nothing to do.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: There's no Reason - August 21st 2011, 08:45 PM

Hello,

Firstly I'd like to say that you don't need to believe in any spiritual things because it just helps people understand things clearer but it isn't for everyone.

Just understand that things will get better even though you can't see it right now. The light will come and you'll feel things are going your way again.

I'd recommend just going for a walk during the day occasionally, this should help you clear your mind a bit

Please don't give up, you're still young and you'll be missing out on a vast amount of opportunites

Here to help
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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Re: There's no Reason - August 21st 2011, 09:14 PM

Well, at first it was just hard for me to accept because it's like a nice thing to believe, however, not something I believe in.

Things never went my way. Not ever. However, they are getting even worse. I was once able to go take a walk to clear my head as you suggested, but that does nothing anymore. It takes a lot for me just to move sometimes and others just to have a single rational thought.

And I don't see any opportunities.

I plan on leaving before my 20th birthday. That's less than two weeks away. That gives me enough time to make the most flawless plan that I most possibly can.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: There's no Reason - August 21st 2011, 09:33 PM

Please don't do this. There are many opportunities out there for you. You're still so young. There's so much more that you don't know is going to happen. Suicide is permanent. Please remember that.
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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Re: There's no Reason - August 21st 2011, 10:31 PM

I want something permenant. If I wanted a temporary fix I would just keep cutting. I want this to end permenantly. I am so fed up with life. I'm sick of suffering everyday and even more heart broken knowing that I'm not the only one either. I don't want to be in a world like this. I refuse to suffer anymore. I've put so much thought into this. I have decided that no amount of happiness will EVER make up for this. Nothing is worth this. Even my biggest dream. It's not worth staying. I can't find anything that is, nor do I even want to. All I want is to leave. It's all I can think of now. It's consuming me. I'm ready to go.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
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Re: There's no Reason - August 21st 2011, 11:10 PM

Suicide is permanent and I believe your situation is temporary, your mindset that is.

Don't do anything like that, you're too young to give up now. Things may not have gone your way before but make it a goal to change that?

You will find a state that makes you content with what you have but just leaving is not a good thing especially since you could do so much with your life. People are known to change their own lives for the good because they are determined, just try to build determination to pull yourself out of the situation you are in. That way you know you control your life
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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Re: There's no Reason - August 23rd 2011, 03:26 PM

It's really not temporary, and even if I do make things better, nothing is worth this.

I know this is what I want.


Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: There's no Reason - August 23rd 2011, 03:55 PM

The thing is, you do not need something permanent.

The feeling in however many years time when you look at this situation knowing that you conquered the darkness you are in all by yourself, isn't that worth it?

Also your signature, is applicable, admittedly you may feel that what you're going through has no end but when the storm is over and the rainbow appears things will start going your way again

Please don't leave because you're going through a tough time, look at it and know that you will get through it

You can PM me if you want to talk, I really do hope things get better

Last edited by chickenonsteroids; August 23rd 2011 at 04:26 PM.
   
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