Triggering (SH): This feels like the only thing that I can control

[Caramel Cheesecake]

Suicide and hurting myself. I'm in a strict religious community, and everybody tells me what to do, and if I don't listen to them, I'm in trouble. Most if the time, I try to avoid the people I live with, but every so often, I have to go to meetings and functions, where I'm stuck with people who say that we're doing everything wrong, and we're fucked when everything goes to hell in a handbasket (which is soon, apparently, but it's been 'soon' every since I was eight, so...). I've tried to tell my mother that I hate going to those meetings, but she's always saying that I've already made assumptions that I'll hate it and I have to go anyway. The only thing that's keeping me from killing myself is the fact that people will take it the wrong way. They'll think that I was possessed or something. So I'm pretty much waiting to go to university to go see somebody about my problems, because when I'm in university, my parents won't make me go to a religious councilor. And if anybody's wondering why I don't just talk to my parents about how shitty I feel and that I'm hurting myself, it's because I physically can't. I can't get any of it out.

[Childish Giggle]

Living in a country where the actions of the population are largely ruled by religion, one thing I can tell you, you can't change the beliefs of those around you. Don't even think about it. You have already decided that you'll move out when you're 18, so hang on till then. Concentrate on the parts of life that are good. Life cannot be totally horrible even in such a community. Appreciate the little things in life like snuggling in a warm bed in winters after a whole day and the coffee that keeps you warm. The rain showers after scorching heat.
You don't share their belief, so their actions and all shouldn't matter to you. Don't give it any priority. Everyday write down a few things that made you smile. Even if they are little things. The point is look at the positive times of your life. Find the teeny tiny things that give you hope. Remind yourself that these are the things which will matter in the end.
I hope I made sense