Triggering (Suicide): Coping with how I feel

[DizzyDolphin]

I am not to sure how to start this so bare with me if it is a load of ramblings, and thank you for being patient and reading my ramblings.

I have recently started my second year at college and am doing my A2 courses, two of my subjects rely heavily on coursework grades and one is only exams and that worries me, I am not good with either, at the end of last year around the coursework hand in times and the exams I started feelings stressed, sleeping less, having no energy and finding it hard to cope, but it only lasted as long as my exams did and after my coursework had been handed in things felt less stressful and got better and I had a small holiday before going back to college for four weeks to start the courses we'd be starting in the September so we could settle back down quicker once the new students arrive and cause chaos with not knowing where they are going.

The main thing was I was feeling better and I just put everything down to stress and got on with things thinking no more of it.

At the start of my summer holidays I started seeing my boyfriend, we have now been together almost 13 weeks, and it has been amazing, he has helped me with so much, and I love him dearly.
I'd say about just a month into the relationship I did the stupidest thing I'd ever done at a party and made out with another guy. I should have stopped, I know that now, but, I was wasted and needed help standing at one point.
I told my boyfriend, I wasn't going to keep it from him, and I talked things through with the guy who I had been with at the party and he told me that he was sorry and to tell my boyfriend it was his fault. Though I didn't because the blame fell on both of us, we both knew I was in a relationship but we did what we did anyway.
But how guilty I felt made me realize how much I loved my boyfriend and I apologized to him and he forgave me and I sorted out some mixed feelings afterwards involving my boyfriend and the guy from the party.
I stayed with my boyfriend and that was the best decision I made during the holidays because I don't know if there is anyone else who could have supported me better than he has.

My stress started as soon as I got back to college, I had a rather vicious fall out with my best friend of many years (I'd known her for 15 going on 16 years) and my boyfriend helped me through that, though I never told him all the things she said, she said a few things about my relationship that made me doubt myself in that relationship, but my boyfriend reassured me what she said would not happen and that helped me a lot.
After that college got more stressful and it lead to my boyfriend telling me to see someone at college about nightmares I was having, ones that I had been having just over a year and a half after I was hit by my boyfriend at that time. And stress triggered these nightmares and I was losing even more sleep due to them and the stress.
I then started to feel worthless and guilty, like I was dragging everyone down and that it would be better off if I were dead, and I had urges to self-harm, and I told my boyfriend about these one night when I was having suicidal thoughts and he stayed with me the night, he helped me talk things through with my parents though me and my mother are standing on rocky ground with me suffering from depression and her just getting over depression which she tried to hide from me and my sister.

College have helped me, my teachers are trying to help me by changing my timetable so I have a day off to do work in my own time and to rest when I need to. I also have counselling beginning soon.
Though my boyfriend is coming with me to see a doctor, against my mothers wishes, I think she doesn't want to believe I have depression. Its like she blocks me out when I show any signs of it.

I joined this site today after my boyfriend asked me to look at it as I was having rather suicidal thoughts and just thought the world would be a much better place without me and that all my friends and my boyfriend would be happier without me there.
I just don't like feeling like this, it scared and worries me and I want this feeling to go away without resorting to suicide or self-harm.

Thanks for putting up with my ramblings and thank you for any advice.

[Max_99]

Hey there, DizzyDolphin! Welcome to TeenHelp, glad to have you here! It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing and to get help, to talk through your feelings.

It sounds like your teachers are being adjustable and helping you out, which is good. I'm doing the same thing in school right now. It really helps me to do a meditation about self-esteem or happiness before I do something stressful, and to take lots of breaks. I like to take 10 minute breaks every 15-30 minutes, but do whatever you need to do I also do yoga which helps a lot. Take time for yourself, mental illness is very stressful, but once you get it figured out, stuff gets easier.


I'm not a psychiatrist, but I do an herb pill twice a day called Saint Johnsworth Emotional Balance or Healthy Mood, I believe. It helps me to calm down, focus, and not get so worked up with my anxiety. Also, coming on here and talking about your feelings


Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It will hurt a lot of people too. I've been through what you're going through, it's not fun. Just keep strong and get as much support as you need. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk!