I'm so tired..

[Ambitiousxx]

I'm exhausted. worn out. Just tired of dealing with life.. I'm not really suicidal.. i just..I wanna crawl under a rock and not deal with anything anymore..

When i was 13 I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. then somewhere along the line it changedto Disthymia.. I've been on Prozac, then Effexor, then Effexor+Cymbalta, then just Cymbalta.. They all worked temporarily or helped a little then wore off, except the Cymbalta.. It never did anything.. But i've been to numerous therapists and psychiatrists, group counseing, family counseling, all of it.. Butnothing ever helps.. My family life keeps getting worseand worse... and I honestly don't think i'm the problem anymore.. My family members have issues they need to deal with, and since they don't, i'm stuck dealing with how they choose to deal with their issues.. if that makes sense..

I had to stop seeing the therapist iw as with, back in september, because we lost insurance. She felt i was fine. i felt i was fine.. but i'm startingtothink i need to getback in to some therapist..

Long story short: I have a lot of physical health problems.. At a young age so did my parents.. they kept popping out little brothers, so i have three.. I've been pretty much the only solid person in their lives their whole life.. When iwas 11 my mom started leaving.. drinking more.. so did my dad.. they were gone periodically.. when i was twelve my grandma (moms mom) and aunt died.. my mom didnt take it very well.. she started cheating on my dad and drinking more and drugs and she aws never home.. my dad wasworking.. i was the parent.. a couple yearslater, mom got help, was acting like she was fine.. then she left to another state.. for three months.. my dad has stepped up and got a new joband is taking careof us.. but my mom was neverthere.. now i'm sixteen.. she's back and trying to make everything seem better than it is.. like nothing bad everhappened.. she has my brothers fooled, but not me..

The holidays are coming up.. I used to love the holidays.. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. The past few years? I've hated the holidays. and I still do.. I hate being around my family on both sides.. Its depressing, it just makes me anxious.. I hate it. i had to go over to my moms today (forgot to mention they got a divorce in themidst of her leaving all the time.. which i couldnt be more happy about.).. and well it didnt end well. i didnt want to stay.. i wanted togo back to my dads.. so that ended ina fight.. i tried to explain to her why i don't like being at her house.. that i'm still not feelingsogreat.. i get anxious when my family comes over and stuff... and she's just saying i'm sick and fucked up and i need to be admitted somewhere... she's asking if i hear myself? in her words: "Family is all you'll ever have. friends come and go. you don't have any friends either. one day you will regret not spending time with your family and when me and your father drop dead you'll regret it. you'll hate yourself for it." .... she wasnt there.. she's the one that left...

I'm sorry this is long. i'm rambling. i just dno't know what to do.. I don't know how to getthrough to her that being around HER specificially, stresses me out.. I know ineed to see a counselor again.. just.. no one understands..

OH. forgot to mention. i hadweight loss surgery in august.. (Verticle Sleeve Gastrectomy, iswhat it's called.. or vsg..) and holidays are stressfull because i can't eat.. not everyone knows i had the surgery.. (outside of my parents and brothers..).. so i have to explainnow to family members, aunts, uncles, cousins.. that.. which just makes everything ten times worse.

I spend most my days writing.. laying around on the couch.. all i do anymore is write and sleep and listen to music.. i play piano and guitar, too. I got a GED and i'm starting college coursesin the spring.. i have no problem with that.. big crwods... anything.. just.. my family..

am i crazy? i don'twant to be around my neglectful abusive mother?

any tips on how to try to explain this to people? whenever itry to explain how i'm feeling i get tongue tied.. and everything comes out wrong.. things i can tell myself? just to try and get through the holidays... /:

thanks.. in advance. /:

[Myla]

Well first off your not crazy. You just need someone to talk to. I'm always here if you need someone. secondly maybe you don't have to tell them about the surgery. Maybe just say your on a diet? Idk how much weight was lost but that might work. And if not just be completely honest. It's not that uncommon of a surgery. I don't really know what else to say. I had a friend who went through this and she said I always said the right things to make her feel better. Just know your not alone and people do care. Soon enough you can put the past and all the bad feelings behind you <3

[Disneygirl94]

You are not crazy. It is completely normal to feel how you are and im so sorry that you were dignosed at such a young age. I agree with the above user, you don't nescisarly have to tell them unless you really want to, its up to you.