The Ghost [lying dead] on The [side of the] Highway

Ghost On The Highway

Hey all, it's me again...the perpetual perfectionist, the continual complainer.

Does anyone else fear the future, esp. because of your mental health problems? I know I could achieve greatness if I could only have faith in myself and be set free from these chains. But I fear they're dragging me down, keeping me running in place like an unruly dog.

My greatest fear is losing my freedom, which can mean any number of things. For example, relying on aid from friends, the government, family, etc. means I am vulnerable and have debts to repay. Taking these pills and injections means I will always be enslaved by the pharmaceutical companies. Working in oppressive conditions with no hope of advancement is little better than slavery, either. Finally, and worst of all, is living on the streets or in prison. I'm not sure I could bear either, and I'd probably end my life if I faced the prospect of being homeless or going to jail for a long period of time. I just can't stand to be at the mercy of another human being, especially an inferior.

Irrational? I guess. Right now there's no way I could survive without my parents' assistance. After I graduate, I'll need to go on to grad school, and my parents will be 65 by the time I get my PhD (if indeed I do...) Once I lose health insurance, my medications will cost $500+ a month, which is what I currently make by working part time. Ugh

Maybe it's "just the stress talking," to quote Walter from the Big Lebowski. But I'm finishing my coffee, and I will be free, even if it kills me.

XxFateFellShortxX

Yes.... yes I do fear the future. I fear it so much that I'm scared to graduate. At times I regret decisions I've made to try and get away from my parents, because I realize that if I'm not with them then my life will be completely different... I don't think its irrational or "just the stress talking", I believe its a legitimate fear that everyone, even those people with no mental illnesses have. It's one of our problems as humans that we are always trying to figure out what's next, and the fact that we don't know irritates us and makes us feel helpless and vulnerable. It's almost as bad as trying to figure out our purpose in life... which is much harder to discern than figuring out what may happen to you in the future, near or far.

Ghost On The Highway

I know my purpose in life. I also know that achieving that purpose takes strength far beyond the small reserves I have left. And thus, I will never be happy.

*thegirlinthecorner-TAN*

i lend you my strength, the meager bits i have. i lend you my heart, as cold as it may be. those like us, who have very little strength of our own, fear the future. its only rational. like death is only logical. i hate, like you, being at the mercy of someone inferior to myself. i admit i'm not perfect but who is? i'm not better than anyone, those who think they are, are the most inferior of us all. its perfectly rational to fear the future. only a fool wouldn't.

"Tomorrow may never come to us. We do not live in tomorrow. We cannot find it in any of our title-deeds. The man who owns whole blocks of real estate, and great ships on the sea, does not own a single minute of tomorrow. Tomorrow! It is a mysterious possibility, not yet born. It lies under the seal of midnight--behind the veil of glittering constellations."

E. H. CHAPIN, Living Words

Kate*

I used to have fears for the future. I've recently recovered from my 10 year depression, at least mostly, but now I fear that it's all going to come back; like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and that it will completely derail me (even though it probably wouldn't). Part of me thinks I'm recovered for good because I've felt so good for so long, but I think it could also be because I'm now out of school and school stress was my main trigger. I'm reapplying to graduate school since I didn't get in last time I tried and I'm afraid that I'm over confident now and as soon as I start (if I get in) everything will start to flooding back and I won't be able to do it. I also know that, while it's much better, it may never be completely gone and I will be stuck managing it for the rest of my life. It at least helps that I now recognize it immediately as completely irrational, or I can at least bring myself back if I start to slip. Grad school still scares me, but now I have confidence in myself that was non existent before and I know that I can do it and that I want it bad enough not to give up unless I end up not being able to afford it.