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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
Normality, my friends.
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Lynds :)
Age: 27
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It never gets better. - December 19th 2011, 02:55 AM

Triggering on the following subjects: Eating Disorders, Substance abuse, Self harm.


I'm on my cell phone, so I have to keep this short. Would be absolutely more than willing to answer any questions you may have post my very undetailed thread.

Life is shit. Always has been.. Always will be.
Hate to be the downer, when I try to bring hope to people. But I'm hopeless.

Let me break this down:

-Slipping back into starvation because, god, would it be nice to be beautiful and thin again. Everything I read/see having to do with weight, eating disorders, recovery, ets is a huge trigger.

-The only thing stopping me from ripping myself apart with a blade is Craig.

-Back to downing the nyquil to sleep.

-Back to abusing diet pills.

I don't care anymore. This is who I am.
Broken.

I could use the support.

I have counseling. An I could go to hope house (inpatient) but I don't think I need it....

Whatever.


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Blair Offline
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Re: It never gets better. - December 19th 2011, 03:03 AM

Lynds, my love, I know you've been through so much. I know life hurts so damn bad right now. I know how it feels to hate yourself and feel like there's no reason in hell to keep trying. The world can be a messy awful place. But there's love. That's something you'll always have: people who love you and people who you love. That doesn't feel like enough sometimes but it's worth sticking around for. There's hope for you. I know there is because if there's hope for someone like me there has to be hope for someone like you Lynds.


Just Keep Breathing
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Ambedo. Offline
I'm as sane as I ever was.

Outside, huh?
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Re: It never gets better. - December 19th 2011, 03:25 AM

Lynds, I know you've been through more than your fair share of trouble in your life. But, you don't need these things! You are soooo much stronger than this. I'll break it down for ya.

Starvation: Don't let the media tell you what you should look like. You're beautiful, exactly as you are. You may not be a size 2. But, your looks are not a definition of who you are. People look at you and see someone who is beautiful from the inside. The outside of you . . that's just not important enough to risk your health over.

Cutting: I hate to sound harsh, but this is probably how it's going to come out. You need to find a reason not to hurt yourself, besides Craig. Relying on another person to keep you from doing something dangerous isn't always the best option. Find something that is worth living for -- something that you know you will never lose. I don't know what that is for you, but please don't let it be something that could disappear. I'm so sorry if that sounded harsh.

Substances: You don't need those things, Lynds. All they're doing is harming your body. If you're serious about losing weight, monitor your diet and exercise. Please don't take a lot of pills to fix the issue. It could be seriously detrimental to your health, and the last thing I want is to hear that you're in the hospital.

I know that you're broken. I know what it feels like to be broken. I know that if you were to go through my threads, you would see that I've done a lot of the things I'm telling you not to do. But, I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. I'm trying to support you and keep you from going down the roads that I did. If my words can help you make even one small step in a positive direction, I would be more than thrilled. You're an amazing girl, and I don't want to see you get hurt.

PM me if you need someone to talk to. If you ask for it, I'll give you my number and you can text me anytime you want. Stay strong, beautiful. You're worth so much more than you think. <3


wanderlust consumed her;
foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
-d. marie
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
Normality, my friends.
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Lynds :)
Age: 27
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Re: It never gets better. - December 19th 2011, 03:43 AM

Both of these replies literally made me smile. And that is a step forward. Getting a true smile out of me is near impossible these days..

Eating: I'm probably a hypocrite because I'm the eating disorder mod.. I tell girls every day not to starve themselves, why it's bad to do that, how to get help, and how to be healthy. But I just can't seem to grasp that mindset myself. It bugs me to no end that I work 40 hours a week and don't shrink. I lift things all day and move around, You'd think I'd shed a small bit of weight.

Cutting: I tried to think about any possible reason to stop cutting, besides Craig.. and I just can't do it. Because thinking about it.. without him.. there is nothing stopping me from cutting. And I would if I wasn't so afraid he'd leave or yell at me again. I miss the harm.

Substances: I have no other way to sleep and no other means of being able to get doctor help without breaking the bank. Diet pills... my thinking is, while it's very possible it won't help.. it's not hurting. And in the past I used to take 7 bennadryl a night, along side pain 2 narcotic, alonside four melatonin, and 2 sleeping pills. Before then I used to take five time the alotted dose of nyquil. I'm surprised I still have a liver.. I almost want to know the shape it's in..

Idk. I wish I could go back to hospitalization.. but that would require craigy knowing. And Idk.. I don't necessarily need that because I can keep myself alive and cut free.. but yeah.


I just don't know.

Thinking of it all sends my stomach in knots :/

Thanks for the help, guys <3


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: It never gets better. - December 19th 2011, 09:15 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Willow. View Post

Eating: I'm probably a hypocrite because I'm the eating disorder mod.. I tell girls every day not to starve themselves, why it's bad to do that, how to get help, and how to be healthy. But I just can't seem to grasp that mindset myself.
I can't think of anyone better that you for eating disorder mod, because you can understand those people. I read a story in Chicken Soup today. It was about eating disorder. And what she wrote was that she his from everyone. Stayed away from people because they didn't understand. But there was this one girl who had an eating disorder and even though they had never had a conversation, there was an understanding between them. An understanding of what the other person is going through. How it makes them feel. How they live with it. And that is very important for an eating disorder mod I guess. And honestly after reading the forums in here I have discovered that all the staff members are going through the problems they are advising others about. Its not hypocrisy. Its understanding what the other person is going though.
And no one takes their own advice ever. So son't worry about it.



"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it."

-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
   
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