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cole11 Offline
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Unhappy kidding myself? - December 19th 2011, 07:35 AM

Here's a bit of background: i've suffered with depression on and off for five years now, some times there being harder days than others but in recent months i had convinced myself that i was finally getting better. Just before the beginning of this month things took a turn for the worse again; i relapsed and self harmed (a massive issue for me in previous years) and it kinda scared me. I haven't let myself get to that point for soo long, i don't even remember the last time i self harmed before that.. i thought i was over it all. Lately i've been waking up in either a 'content' mood or waking up just wishing that i hadn't. The only time im ever truly happy is when im off my face on drink or drugs which has slowly made itself into a daily habit. I dread getting up in the morning cos i never know how i'm going to feel.. and i know there's nothing that i can do about it.

I've come to that point in my life where i need to fix up and get a hold of myself before i really fuk everything up. Besides that, i need to sort it out because I don't know how much longer i can keep doing this. Everything is going wrong, i look around me and everyone i know is excelling themselves, moving forward, they've got so many hopes and prospects ahead of them.. then i look back to myself and i'm reminded that i have nothing. I feel as if there is no way but down.. i know from past experiences that the only one that can really help you, is yourself, but im weakened from trying to solve my own problems for so long.. im struggling to stay afloat, not just emotionally but in every other sense too, ive got so many factors working against me, i feel like im forever fighting a battle that i know deep down i won't win. im starting to come apart at the seams again, except this time i have no will power to try and save myself. i'm running out of time, i've lost all faith and i don't know who to turn to. i thought i was better but it looks like i was just kidding myself...


"There's nothing different about me. I'm just another bored male, approaching 30, in a dead-end job, who lives for the weekend. Casual sex, watered-down lager, heavily cut drugs. And occasionally kicking fuck out of someone."
   
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Zyzz Offline
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Re: kidding myself? - December 19th 2011, 04:19 PM

Hi Cole.

I'm glad to see you're reaching out for some help & advice on this. I do understand where you are coming from on this though. I've been to that point. But I do see that you have the will power and strength to get though this all. You've done it before. But I do want to give you some suggestions I strongly suggest you take.

Talk to someone about it. It is one of the hardest parts to do. But go to a doctor or someone you trust and tell them. Let it be known. It will give you some support if you do fall. And as for the self harm, drugs & alcohol. Tell someone about those too just getting it out there could help you over come it. Also it wouldn't hurt to find a hobby. Do something you enjoy. Like running, playing guitar, ect... The possibilities are really endless. Just do something healthy and fun. It will occupy your thoughts and reduce the urges to do those things to yourself.

Believe me you cant get though this. It gets better. It will be hard and a lot of times you will want to give up. But just keep at it. And all the hard work you put into it will pay off ten fold.

Good luck my friend.
   
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