Triggering (Suicide): Hopeless

[JustAnotherAnesthetic]

My best friend tried to kill himself last night. I spent two hours trying to convince him not to but I couldn't. I've been suicidal for over a year, I've attempted suicide twice. After the second time I had a dream. In that dream I was dead. I was at my own funeral, and I could see my family and my few friends crying and screaming. I woke up crying and realized nothing I feel now is worth putting other people in pain. I've always thought that way.. I'm masochistic and I love to hurt myself but I could never hurt anyone else intentionally. The only reason I'm alive and not trying to kill myself is for the people that care about me, but I'm afraid one of these days that won't be enough. If my friend manages to kill himself, I won't have many people left that still show they care. And every time something happens that stresses me out more, it gets harder and harder not to continue trying. I feel so hopeless, worthless, pathetic, and insignificant. No one has ever cared enough to stay. I've never had a relationship last much over a month. none of my friendships have lasted more than half a year.. I'm not good enough for anyone and I never will be.. even as I was writing this my dad started yelling at me about how badly I'm doing in school.. I've been so depressed the last few years I can't concentrate on anything. I haven't been able to talk to any of my family about anything, my sister knows about my cutting only because i got really drunk one night and didnt manage to hide the new gashes.. her reaction.. "what the fuck did you do to your arm?" .. that was it.. no trying to talk about it, no asking why i did it. just what the fuck... I know the rest of my family would react the same way. They would just think I fucked up again. I did something wrong again. Nothing I do will ever be good enough.. so why bother trying?

[Magaly]

Is there anyone you can talk to about this?
Maybe a school councler or someone?
Someone needs to know that you feel this bad, and you need to tell someone about your friend.
PM me if u wanna talk.