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Ella.x Offline
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At the end of my tether - January 9th 2012, 09:05 PM

I moved in with my father a few days ago due to financial difficulties caused by not being able to work full time for a few weeks because of my depression/anxiety. I hate it here, he doesn't love me. It's as if I don't even exist. I feel so awkward and unwanted. I've been crying several times a day since I moved in and I can only see it getting worse the longer I stay. I tried to kill myself last week in an attempt to end everything and not have to deal with my problems, but that failed and now I'm stuck here and no-one even knows what I did.
I feel so empty and lifeless, I just want to sleep forever. I need to move out now. It's not even a huge amount cheaper living here as I'm a 45 minute drive from work. I want my mum to let me stay with her. I want my mum to love me. I feel like a fucking child again, like my parents have divorced all over again.
I don't know what to do. The longer I stay here, the worse I will feel and the less likely I will be to get my act together and leave, but I can't afford to move out yet. Suicide is always on my mind and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. My DBT therapist was supposed to ring my on friday after I got out of hospital, but she never did. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared.
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Re: At the end of my tether - January 10th 2012, 05:57 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time, Ella. Is there a friend that you could stay with for the time being? Being in your father's house definitely isn't a healthy environment for you to be in if it's leading you to consider suicide. You might also want to try talking to your mom. I'm not sure what happened between the two of you to make you think she doesn't love you, but I hope it's something that can be fixed. Try scheduling a time for the two of you to get together and have a heart to heart. During that time, you could approach the subject of moving back in with her. Stay strong, girl. It'll get better soon.

wanderlust consumed her;
foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
-d. marie
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Re: At the end of my tether - January 10th 2012, 04:30 PM

I've already asked my mum if I can live with her, but she said no because I'm an adult and I should be able to fend for myself. I generally get on with her really well but it's stuff like this that really upsets me. I just need her to take care of me at the moment, but since I'm an adult, she has no obligation to.
I haven't got any friends that I'm close to, so staying with them would not be an option.

It just seems like I keep making the wrong decisions and then I end up worse than I was before. I'm so stressed too, I'm starting a new full-time job and keeping up my old job part-time, studying for a qualification in health and social care and doing the training for my new job as well as trying tofind time to sleep. I really just need some stability because the uncertainty is driving me crazy.
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