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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
PurpleMoon Offline
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This is my story. Whats yours? - January 18th 2012, 09:50 PM

I want to know all your SH stories, recoveries or just plan reasons why you do it this is mine thanks for reading.
 
Its funny when the people who say they will always be there, arenít. When the people you trust breaks it. When everything you wish could happen breaks.

One in ten teenagers self harm, I am one of them. Its not an attention seeking thing if it was every time I did it I would tell, I had one person who knew my best friend, and even know I donít trust her with my guarded secret. My whole 4 years of self harming I have felt the need to go further, but felt the guilt of others around me. Well recently its not been like that. I donít care.

Some people self harm so that they can hurt others, so many times I wanted to cut up my arms to the extreme just to show my mum or dad, sister, teachers, friends how I feel and what they are doing to me. I like it, the feeling it gives you the feeling of power being in control of your emotions.

I started self harming because my sister stole from me my gold jewellery and pawned it, she cared only about her self and her needs drugs. She kept doing it for about 2 years, she would get away with it every time, she would tell my parents lies, like she was raped or sheís depressed. Every time she got caught out she would make up some excuse so she could get away with it. I started cutting in the second year of her stealing I was in year 8 at school. I started cutting with a drawing pin on the tops of my arms, I eventually got my self out of it, but then she would steal again. I lost that drawing pin, I remember it hurt when I first did it, promised I wouldnít do it again. Probably about a month later, my sister started stealing again, I didnít have that drawing pin I then used bits of wires to cut didnít do much, I then found some small scissors which I began to used. I had to listen for weeks of the arguing, my sister saying how she never stole of me or my family. To took my birthday money out of one of my birthday cards.

I had to listen to my sister cry and moan about how difficult her life was, how she had gotten herself in trouble and she needed money to get out of it. How people where after her, she took an overdose one night deliberately in front of me and my mum. My parents eventually called the police on her and she finally stopped stealing, but I couldnít stop cutting. My mum and dad started to fight a lot my mum started going out and my dad didnít like it, she was sick of staying in and started going out every Friday. My parents would argue a lot, and my dad when he dark scotch he would get horrible, one time he came home drunk and told me ďMe and your mother, we donít love each other anymore who would you like to live with?Ē he was drunk and went up in my room and cut again. I ended up getting a hold of my sisters hair dressing scissors and used them to cut still only the tops of my arms.

I had been self harming about 2 and a half years, one day my best friend told me how do I cope and I said I cut myself and she told me she had too she had cut herself with scissors. At first I thought wow now I have someone to talk to a few days after, she told her mum about her cutting. She got help, and I was glad she got her help. I knew I could talk to her if I needed to and I continued to talked to her, I felt relieved I started to cut less. She cut the lower parts of her arms and when I cut I didnít really have much room left on the tops of my arms so I started to cut the lower parts of my arms, I donít know if I did it there because she did, but I did anyway. About 6 months went by and I was starting to get worse I felt all my friends problems, where my fault she started cutting again and I got angrier with her and myself I started cutting my wrists with a bath room razor, and a few weeks later she did the same, it frustrated me, she later on took and overdose, she was fine she told her mum whilst we were at school and she went home, I felt so guilty, I told her about how I wrote notes if I would ever overdose and she sent me a text that night saying she wasnít going to be in school tomorrow, she wrote me a note why. I didnít think nothing of it, I didnít think she would, I donít know whether deep down I knew she was going to do it or not.


I few months went on and she was getting the help she needed, I continued to cut I planned out I would OD on my prom night so it would be my final goodbyes to my friends, I couldnít bring myself to do it. I colleted to pills but I couldnít do it, I cant remember when it was exactly but my best friend knew I had pills and she asked me to give her some, I was shocked and angry. Know I look back on it and think she probably thought I would understand, but I wanted to be the selfish one this time to hopefully die. That to me now sounds stupid. She back on track, she has a loving boyfriend who she cares about a lot, but now I feels Iím the back seat of it all like she uses me for when sheís bored or heís busy, I donít mind I just feel like I cant talk to her like we used to and I cant trust her, but to be honest Iím ok with it. I might not ever get better from my self harm issue I stopped for two whole months and then caved, felt like I was the little 13 year old I was then I started cutting hiding what I had done to the rest of the word. Iím still not ready to get the help I need, but Iím hoping that this is my first step and I will be moving forward soon.

How is it far that a person who willingly cuts themselves gets shoved of as being an attention seeker or and ďEMOĒ judgment from others, there isnít excrement in the world for people like me, you have to get better to move on. Nobody cares. I care and you should care too.

Thank you for reading. Now tell me about you?


One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.


Memento mori - Remember you must die

Memento Vivere - Remember to live

Carpe diem - Seize the Day


ďMan cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.Ē -Andre Gide
   
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Re: This is my story. Whats yours? - January 19th 2012, 10:38 PM

You have a lot of courage to be telling everyone your story. Just because not many people are responding, doesn't mean that they aren't reading it. They are probably reading it and just aren't quite sure what to say. You've been through a lot and it has helped you become who you are today. A remarkable strong girl.


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Re: This is my story. Whats yours? - January 24th 2012, 10:19 PM

This is simlar to my story. You have inspired me to write my own story out now. All I can say is that sometimes it feels like you want to die, but in reality you just want to be saved! Ppl like us go to extremes to escape reality because it hurts so bad! But if we looked at it I think we would see that we just want out!
   
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Re: This is my story. Whats yours? - January 24th 2012, 11:06 PM

Wow. You were very brave for writing out your story. I'm honestly inspired by everything that you have struggled through and by the fact that you are still persevering and fighting through it. You're right -- posting this is a great first step in recovery because it shows that you realize you have a problem. I'm definitely going to think about writing my own story.


wanderlust consumed her;
foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
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Re: This is my story. Whats yours? - January 30th 2012, 04:49 PM

Thanks you very much!

I wish you all the very best, and I'm sure you guys are just as strong!!

Love Billie


One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.


Memento mori - Remember you must die

Memento Vivere - Remember to live

Carpe diem - Seize the Day


ďMan cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.Ē -Andre Gide
   
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