Im seriously considering it!! help me out plz..

[tracey1212]

I will tell you a lil about what i have been through:
I was abandoned by my mother when i was a baby, she left around my third birthday. My dad was there and he was the best thing that had ever happend to me, but a month afetr my 10th birthday he died. I was lost and i was devisteted, i had felt that i ahd only one best friend her name was ashley and she was there for me thru it all and i was there for her and we were never apart. When i was 13, i went to go see her and when i went to her room, i found her hanging from a rope in her closet. I cant get that memory out of my mind, and i wonder every day why did she do it or why didnt she confide in me why??? I had to live with my grandparents, and they wernt good people they were abusive. I got fed up with that and i decided to leave. I was taken into dss, moved from my sister and brother, forever, and feeling like it was my fault, i just gave up. I have been in dss for almost 7 years and im am about to age out because it is my 21st bday. I sure havnt had it great. So much has happened while ive been in care. I got wrapped up in a guy, and he raped me. I didnt tell for like 2 years. I didnt want to live anymore. Thats why i told, but it didnt matter bacause no one really seemed to care. Then i just put all of my focuses on school and on graduating. My senior year of high school, i stayed aftyer school nfor toutering, a week before my 19th birthday and a janator shoved me into the restroom and sexually assalted me. I tried to yell but no one seemed tpo hear me. I went home that afternoon and didnt even say anything, i was scared that if i told someone that they would call me a freek and that if it did happen at school that no one would believe me and they wouldnt look into it. I tried to kill myself, two weeks later on my birthday evening. i overdosed, and was rushed to the ER, unfortantly i was saved, but i was commited, and the people who i lived with didnt want anything to do with me after that, so i was abandoned again. Searching for someone to love me i decided to finish school, and i tried, i graduated with barely a 2.9 GPA. I stayed with a lady for the last 9 months but she told me that after my 21st bday i ahd to leave. So with that being said i decided to move far away to a 4year institution that i could stay on campus at. My only friends are far away, and i really dont want to bother them. Because just like me they have their own problems too. I dont want to tell the person that i am most close to because her boyfriends son killed himself, and im perty sure that if i tell her she will be mad. i dont know what to do. I am so lost and confused and i just want to end it all. I have tried many times before and i just feel like there are no reasons to live. i want to tell somebody, but i have had very bad experience with that and they have either commited me judged me or just gave up on me.. I need help, i want to kill myself, but i want to live too.. who do i tell, or what kind of advice can you give me?? PLZ HELP!!!!

[Shawn K.]

Hey Tracey,

You have sure gone through more than any person should have to go through. I'm sure someone here at TH will be able to share their experience and advice with you. There are some people here who have been through a lot too.

In the meantime, I got your PM, and of course I'll be glad to help anyway I can. You said you liked some of the stuff I posted here. I honestly feel awkward offering advice on a lot of the problems people talk about here. I just feel that I don't have a clue what they're going through. I do try to find something in what they write that tells me something positive about them. With what you wrote I see that you must be one very strong person. You've been a grown up for longer than I've been alive almost. You achieved a B average despite all of that. AND YOU WANT TO LIVE. Hang on, and hang here. Help is coming. I bet you.

PM me when you can.

Shawn

[Loving Linux Penguin]

I too can't possibly imagine what you've been through here--I'm sure it's been a roller coaster ride that's beyond my wildest dreams. The best advice I have is to surround yourself with positive messages, keep your self esteem as high as you can. Work on loving yourself and giving yourself hope. One possible resource may be a suicide hotline. Let me know if you need anything.

[Bessy95]

You have been through so so much that you dont deserve. And I understand you wanting to end it all, but to still be here today proves that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you've been through hell and back but I guarantee you that things will get better if you just try a tiny but every day. Dont have high expectations of yourself-set little goals for yourself, they dont even have to be big but each time you achieve something positive, it'll improve your life and your wanting to make things better. Just because you didn't get the GPA you wanted does NOT mean that you are not smart. Find out your passions-maybe you like to help people, teach people, draw, explore, work with animals, etc. Find something you love and start to get involved. Start small and work your way up. Doing courses/workshops involving doing things you love will help you meet people and build friendships. Please dont kill yourself, you have too much to live for. Your young, with a big heart and your obviously very caring. I hope this helped you can PM me anytime you need to talk xx

[Gemma.]

I have different issues, but one thing i have noticed is that if i imagine being able to help others,it makes me feel better. Because i know that i could understand what they go through more than other people, and offer them advice and a reason to live. You could understand others with the same background as you more than most could. You could help so many people! And this could help you alot too!