An Impossible Decision

[Soro]

For years I have been greatly depressed off and on because of health issues that threaten my very existence. But due to recent events my depression has elevated, it occurs far more frequently and it destroys me every time. I suppose I should say what is going on in my life that is going to make me make an impossible decision, one I wish I didn't have to make. You see due to a surgery that I had on my spine when I was 11 to remove a tumor, my spine is well... Is in very very bad state, it always was and gets worse with every given year. I have severe Scoliosis and Kyphosis (Not sure if I spelled it right) But my spine is currently in the process of crushing my lungs and, well killing me and I will find out if it has gotten to a point where 2 decisions will be given. 1 have a surgery done that will fix my spine (for the most part) But take away my legs, again. And may even paralyze me from the neck down if i'm unlucky, which with my odds, is highly likely.. OR the 2nd option which I have been warming up to, and that is let my spine consume my lungs and let it be over (Also, I am not suicidal, I have thoughts but I would NEVER act on them.) You see, after my first surgery I lost my legs and slowly I was able to recover them a little bit, I have begun to be able to run again, its not great but its progress, and ever since I was little I have loved to run, so.. Very much. This surgery would prevent that from ever happening again, I even came up with a little thing I like to tell myself. "I would rather die on my feet, then live in a chair" I'm certain that this time I wouldn't be able to regain my legs, and even if I could I doubt I would be able to take it emotionally. I want to just wait it out but, I have a loving family who loves me so much, my mother was with me while I was recovering in the hospital but... I just don't know what to do, I wish I had someone to talk to about this, I certainly can't talk to family. Sorry for the long post, but my depression will continue to worsen, and in 3 days when I see my doctor and get the xrays, I know it will get worse since last time I went my spine worsened so much I don't believe that it would be able to get better unless a miracle happened. I could use some advice, thanks... I'm 16 now btw

[Shawn K.]

Hey Dylan, it really sucks that you are having to face such serious problems and decisions. I can't imagine what you must be going through. The only advice I'm qualified to give in a situation like this is the advice I hope someone would give me in your situation: FIGHT! Fight because you have a family that loves you and will be there to help you heal. Fight because as long as you're breathing there's hope. Fight because you're a kid with a whole life in front of you. Fight because so many other people have had parts of their bodies turn on them yet have proven that life, a great life, is possible if you fight.

I don't know why you feel that you can't talk to your family about the decision and the depression that it's causing, but they are your most immediate source of help.

Fight dude..

[Beth Jane]

I agree with Shawn, think of how many people in your life would be devastated if you just gave up. I would tell someone about the thoughts you have been having and your depression, even if you feel you would never act on them they are making a huge impact on your decision.
I have spent half a year in a wheelchair because of health issues - thankfully I recovered, but please reconsider that you would rather die than live in one. I know how it feels to be helpless without legs.
If you feel you can't talk to your family, try writing a letter to a member of your family you feel would understand this most and give you the support you need. Your family should know whats going on, they love you and care about you. If you need to talk more you can message me - ultimately, this is your decision, but please don't give up.

[MY NAME IS ERIN]

I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU. I CAN'T IMAGINE HAVING TO LIVE WITH THAT EVERYDAY. BUT YOU SHOULD KEEP FIGHTING. I KNOW EVERYONE IS PROBABLY SAYING THAT TO YOU BUT YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE UP. I KNOW LIFE IS HARD BUT THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. YOU HAVE TOO ENJOY THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY. I'M SO TERRIBLY SORRY YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THAT, AND YOU HAVE SO MANY HARD DECICIONS. IT MAY NOT BE EASY, BUT KEEP FIGHTING. GOOD LUCK. YOU'RE IN MY THOUGHTS <3