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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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what do i do?????? - February 1st 2012, 08:57 PM

hi... im kati. ive been through a lot. i dont really like to go to people for help but a lot of people are saying that i need to. a few weeks ago, i had 6 friends commit suicide... none of them are getting a funeral or anything. just flat out buried or cremated. 2 of them did it while i was on the phone with them. 3 did it after texting me and telling me they just couldnt do it anymore. and 1 did it because of me... the one that did it because of me was my boyfriend, but obviously now my ex. i couldnt take his suicidal threats anymore and tried my best to convince him not to and to get help. he always listened to me when i told him not to but never went to get help. the day before he did it i broke up with him because i couldnt take it anymore. that night, while i was asleep, i got 20 some odd texts from him. the next morning i read them and he hasnt responded to anything since. to add to it, the first guy i was with and now friend, isnt talking to me anymore... i was really depressed and was having suicidal thoughts myself. he basically made me tell him what was wrong. so i did. there was a lot that he didnt like and i made him really ticked... he stopped talking to me. he was and still is the most important person in my life. it hurts so much when i see his name in my phone or that he is on facebook, knowing... just knowing that he wont say a single word to me.. i'll be honest... i still love him.. after him breaking my heart after only being with him for a month, the pain of being just his friend, the days and nights of crying over him, listening to him talk about suicide himself, and him not talking to me... im still stupid enough to still love him... i dont know what to do anymore... my friends have been worried about me more than anything cause they can see the depression get worse and worse... one of my friends gave me this site... thought itd help... and considering no one else and nothing else has.. i figured id give it a shot.. i hope you can help me... i really need it...
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 1st 2012, 09:19 PM

The first thing that came to mind when i read this was 'Fuck.' :L but then i noticed that maybe your friends have been in your position too, or will be if you commit suicide. They really care for you and want you to get better. I cant imagine what it would be like to have that much going on but maybe a good way to think about it (if there is one) is that they are no longer feeling depressed? Im not sure :/ I have no idea what you can do other than be thankful that you are still alive and have the chance to change your life and get help. I dont know whether his will help but i basically i just wanted to tell you that some people in the world...many of those are on this site, do not want you to die. Hopefully this makes you smile even if it does nothng else to help PM me if you would like to talk at all
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 1st 2012, 09:40 PM

thanks Gemma... it made me smile a bit. i just dont really know what else to do... ive tried getting help but nothing works or no one wants to help me. i know my friends care but nothing has helped me. my depression keeps getting worse and worse and ive had so many thoughts of just leaving this nightmare i live in... it feels like its the only way for me to get out.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 1st 2012, 09:50 PM

Ive had thoughts like that as well, but i havent gone through the same things. At the moment i am having counselling and it is working, but it is my 5th counsellor, and it has taken 2 years to find the right person. Also, i have been on anti-depressants for a year now. So although for me things have stabalised a little, it has taken years. I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel still really, but i know that i am no where near as low as i used to be. Thats what keeps me going, but yes, i have times where i just cant go any lower. You are always going to get these unfortunately :/ Please dont resort to suicide, there are sooo many things that can help...including this site. You have taken a step forward just by signing up to this forum let alone anything else!
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 1st 2012, 10:09 PM

ive tried so many things... none of it has worked... my mom wont let me get anti depressants. so i havent tried that yet. she thinks i'll end up getting to such a deep low with my depression that i'll just overdose with them. i know im taking a step forward... but then again i was forced to try this. my friend wouldnt even let me leave the computer until i did. its gotten to the point of, "nothings going to work anyways. might as well do it to make my friends happy and just let things get worse and deal with it. not like im ever gonna be happy again anyways."
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 1st 2012, 11:11 PM

I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time, but you've made me realize how lucky I am. But, from what I've heard, you seem like a strong person. I think you can make it through this. Art and other self-expressy things can help if you don't feel comfortable talking to somebody like a counselor. I don't either. But, even though it doesn't ever seem like it, your friends care. They probably want to hear about it. It's hard, but pulling away from them is the worst thing you can do. About your guy trouble, you should tell him how you feel, what you're going through. None of what happened is your fault. Unfortunately, our society is very depressing. You were put in a situation that most people our age probably couldn't even imagine. If the guy you like can't forgive you for what he's mad at you about, after you try to get him to understand, he's probably not worth it. I hope you get better, it sounds like a tough situation. I hope I've helped, but if you start to get badly depressed or just need to rant, feel free to message me. Please don't give up.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 2nd 2012, 11:19 AM

Something will work. In terms of your mum, mine doesnt know about the anti-depressants and in some ways neither does yours. My doctor and counsellors and teachers are really helpful, they suggest ways to keep it secret and make sure that any notes put on my records are not detailed enough for someone to find out. I think part of having a counsellor is making yourself talk about things even if you dont want to. Maybe give one session will be good to give you an idea of whether or not it will be good? Oh, just had a thought...maybe look at some self help books? they really helped me understand what i was feeling. Please dont give up, you do have so many things to try and live for
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 2nd 2012, 01:50 PM

icegirl:
about my guy friend thats mad. i have told him. i have explained. he holds a grudge like no one else... its gotten to the point of me begging him to even at least say hi to me... all he ever does is just yell when i do. every time i look at my phone and see his name in my contacts or see that he is online i just want to break completely down... he was the most important person in my life. i always loved him and always will. he just wont do the same in return... and every single day... just knowing that he wont say a single word to me in a nice way and wont yell at me and go off... it hurts more than anything else ive ever felt.. i will be completely honest... hes one of the reasons why i went back into my old habits of self-harming... i told him i was trying to get help and i told him how much it hurts... he was always there for me when i needed someone... all the times i was going to attempt suicide and had the knives ready or had the pills ready or had the bleach poured into a cup he was the first thing on my mind... as much as i wanted to do it because of him... i couldnt bring myself to because i wanted so badly for there to be a second chance between the two of us... but then the thoughts got even worse.. and they got worse before he even stopped talking to me... he kept on putting the idea in my head that it will never happen again... that there is no second chance and that theres no possible way that i will happen.... then the night i was gonna go through with it... i was extremely depressed... i was already in the middle of a conversation with him and as much as i was hiding it he could tell something was up... he asked me what was wrong repeatedly till i gave him the truth... so i told him... "im just done living this nightmare... im done feeling depressed all the time... im done with being a dumbass and giving myself false hope.... im just done..." then he started freaking out and asking me what happened... i eventually told him everything... everything that has gotten me to the point of depression that was so low that i didnt care anymore... that i couldnt stand the fact that i was even breathing still... that i just wanted to tell him how i felt and then do it and just be done with everything... but then he went off... he went on some sort of angry rampage and basically tore my head off with words. he went off on me and it made the thoughts worse and worse with every minute... when he was done i told him im sorry repeatedly.... he didnt answer to anything which made me feel even worse cause i knew i was saying the wrong things and i knew it would piss him off but i didnt think about the consequences... i didnt care and let it all go... ever since that night he hasnt spoken a word to me... ive cried myself to sleep and took a blade to my skin at least once every night. and every day.... i just feel completely dead and wonder why am i still here? thinking im just a waste of space and everyone would be better off if i was just gone... so whats the point in staying alive? whats the point in staying alive if everyone you care about is leaving you... disappearing like sand seeping through your fingers...

Last edited by kitkat kati; February 2nd 2012 at 03:43 PM.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 2nd 2012, 02:09 PM

gemma:
in terms of my mom... she doesnt even know that i have an account on here... i stopped telling her anything and just shut her out... shes constantly yelling at me and blaming me for stuff that i didnt do. she makes fun of me when i express myself in terms of clothing and a lot of the time in my art. shes constantly judging me and making me feel like complete shit. she doesnt know anything about my love life and no longer knows anything about my suicidal thoughts and cutting. she thinks that it was just a phase and that its all disappeared. i pretend to be happy when im around her... i pretend that everything is alright and absolutely nothing is wrong. i cant go to my teachers about any of this... they'll just send me down to the counselors office and then the counselor will call my mom and tell her everything. i cant go to most adults.... i dont talk to my mom about anything cause she just goes and blabbers it on to her friends... then her friends tell their kids... and their kids are my "friends"... and once my "friends" find out.... all they ever do is make fun of me for it and make my depression 10 times worse cause they wont drop it.... i cant go to adults cause eventually it ends up back to my mom and she just bitches at me for all of it. i cant tell my mom.... i cant give her more reason to treat me like shit.......

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Re: what do i do?????? - February 2nd 2012, 04:53 PM

I understand what you say about not wanting your mum to find out. Counsellors are confidential, they should never be speaking to anyone unless they have your permission, i guess that your from america? maybe its different? But i would definitely recommend self help books. In terms of expressing yourself, i think you have taken most of what your mum can give you, so you may as well stay as you and express yourself however you would like. Im not sure what else i can suggest, maybe just talk everything through with someone on here, not necessarily through the forum but by PM? If you would like to speak to me, i would be happy to help, because after all, i am on here to get help also
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 2nd 2012, 05:25 PM

i do live in america. and yes, counselors are supposed to keep everything confidential. but school counselors dont do that. they never do. i learned that the hard way a long ass time ago. i do express myself however i would like, just really sucks when your own family makes fun of you for it, makes you feel like shit because of it, and tries to change you in the process. and honestly, doing this and getting all of these suggestions is kind of helping. talking about it is just helping me get everything off of my chest and the suggestions on what to do is helping a bit as well. i really appreciate everything. and same goes for you. if you just need to vent or need some advice about something just hit me up with a message. im more than happy to help.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 2nd 2012, 07:16 PM

Thankyou, i will Maybe skip the school counsellors and go to drop-ins/other counsellors that are seperate to your school? I know what its like to be mocked by family, for me its for being too geeky or not having friends, but i know all the same how much it hurts and i know it also feels like its not worth all the frustration. Now i get mocked for acting like a boy, i guess if your family are like that they will always mock you for something no matter how much you try and tell them to stop unfortunately, at least that is what my family is like.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 2nd 2012, 10:28 PM

im not sure... im sure i will find some way to get help other than this without my mo finding out about any of it. thanks for the help. i hope everything works out for you. and if you ever, ever, ever need to talk to me about your family, friends, or anything else, just give me a shout. i'll do what i can to help you like you've helped me.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 3rd 2012, 12:28 AM

Wow=( Im sorry sweetheart=( It sounds like you've gone through more than anyone should ever go though and in a short amount of time. Just the fact that you lost 6 friends a few weeks back, that alone means you should prob. be in counceling right now of some kind. Losing ONE friend is highly traumatic but 6 is, I don't even know. I know you don't like getting help (well like telling adults about it), but I think it would be a really good thing right now. I think it would help you feel less depressed and stressed about whats happened. Its something you very much need right now. Also, you don't have to say everything during one therapy session. You don't have to say anything you don't want to ever. You could go and just sit even. And like Gemma said, therapy is confidential. I hope you consiture going for a bit. Really think it would help you. As for your friend (your guy friend), he shouldn't be behaving like that to you. I think you are treating him better than he deserves. I know you love him, but I feel like the way he's acted towards you is just not right. I can't see any true friend doing that to someone. I don't want to offend you with this by any means. But hun, look at what he's caused you to do. You said he was the reason you were SHing. If someone makes you feel SO bad that you want to cut, thats not a healthy relationship nor a good one. He's not loving you the way he should by being that way. He SHOULD be there for you always without getting upset. He should never yell at you for the way you feel, its ridiculous. You didn't come to him to have him yell at you. He needs to see that. PLEASE don't feel like because he's mad at you that you don't deserve to live and that nobody deserves you in their life. Thats not true. I bet you're a very wonderful girl. Just because you've been through a ton, it doesn't mean you aren't wonderful or nothing special. We were all put here for a reason so that means you have a reason for why you're here. Never feel like you're anything less than wonderful and if ANYONE ever makes you feel like you are, they don't deserve you. You can talk to me whenever you'd like.


   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 3rd 2012, 11:39 AM

I will do Kati, hopefully youll find something thats helpful
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 3rd 2012, 10:59 PM

thanks julia... and if you've lost one friend to suicide.... you dont want to know what it feels like when multiples at a time do it in a small amount of time.... its one of the worst things ever... and i know that i should talk to an adult about it... but whenever i go to do it i cant bring myself up to it... whenever a teacher asks if im alright, i just tell them that im really tired and that i didnt sleep well the night before... which is almost always true cause im constantly having nightmares and stay up crying until i fall asleep... sometimes i even stay up the entire night crying, writing, drawing, and sometimes self harming... my mom will ask if something is wrong and i think about telling her, but decide not to and just say no, put a smile on my face and pretend im ok no matter how bloodshot my eyes are from lack of sleep and how dark the red circles around my eyes get from me crying... i want to tell an adult... i really really do... but i havent found one that has gained enough of my trust for me to tell them...
my guy friend... he isnt just a friend... he was my first kiss, my first true boyfriend, the first guy to steal my heart and to still have it... and i do treat him better than he deserves... i cant help it... yes, he is treating me like shit and he doesnt deserve being treated the way im treating him... but i was the one who said the wrong things and knew he would get mad... its my fault that he is treating me like this... i deserve it.. and im not self harming necessarily because of him... i do it because its my fault that hes doing it... i hurt him... i fucked up... me doing this to myself.. is kind of like teaching myself a lesson for being so stupid... he's saved my life many times... but hes not gonna be there all the time... hes not gonna be there to save me every time.. he has his own problems and even though he told me to tell him what was wrong, its still my fault for fucking everything up between the two of us...... and its not that i dont think i deserve to live because hes mad at me... i think that i dont deserve to live because all i ever do is piss people off... all i ever do is fuck everything up... when im in a depressed mood, i bring everyone else down with me and i shouldnt be doing that... i know i have people that care about me... but it feels like im completely alone and like no matter how much i scream for help no one hears me... lately the only thing i've really been able to look forward to each day is feeling the blade against my skin again... i just dont see the point in living anymore if all of this stuff is going to keep happening...
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 3rd 2012, 11:29 PM

uh uh. no you don't. you are going to survive. i don't care how, but you are going to pull through. start singing "i will survive" or something. if you need to, just pm me. that's what i say to everybody, but i really want to help. i wont be like a stupid therapist and be all nosy and pushy. if you just need a place to vent and to sympathize, i'm always here. okay?


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Re: what do i do?????? - February 4th 2012, 01:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkat kati View Post
thanks julia... and if you've lost one friend to suicide.... you dont want to know what it feels like when multiples at a time do it in a small amount of time.... its one of the worst things ever... and i know that i should talk to an adult about it... but whenever i go to do it i cant bring myself up to it... whenever a teacher asks if im alright, i just tell them that im really tired and that i didnt sleep well the night before... which is almost always true cause im constantly having nightmares and stay up crying until i fall asleep... sometimes i even stay up the entire night crying, writing, drawing, and sometimes self harming... my mom will ask if something is wrong and i think about telling her, but decide not to and just say no, put a smile on my face and pretend im ok no matter how bloodshot my eyes are from lack of sleep and how dark the red circles around my eyes get from me crying... i want to tell an adult... i really really do... but i havent found one that has gained enough of my trust for me to tell them...
my guy friend... he isnt just a friend... he was my first kiss, my first true boyfriend, the first guy to steal my heart and to still have it... and i do treat him better than he deserves... i cant help it... yes, he is treating me like shit and he doesnt deserve being treated the way im treating him... but i was the one who said the wrong things and knew he would get mad... its my fault that he is treating me like this... i deserve it.. and im not self harming necessarily because of him... i do it because its my fault that hes doing it... i hurt him... i fucked up... me doing this to myself.. is kind of like teaching myself a lesson for being so stupid... he's saved my life many times... but hes not gonna be there all the time... hes not gonna be there to save me every time.. he has his own problems and even though he told me to tell him what was wrong, its still my fault for fucking everything up between the two of us...... and its not that i dont think i deserve to live because hes mad at me... i think that i dont deserve to live because all i ever do is piss people off... all i ever do is fuck everything up... when im in a depressed mood, i bring everyone else down with me and i shouldnt be doing that... i know i have people that care about me... but it feels like im completely alone and like no matter how much i scream for help no one hears me... lately the only thing i've really been able to look forward to each day is feeling the blade against my skin again... i just dont see the point in living anymore if all of this stuff is going to keep happening...
I know it seems like you cant or are afraid to tell someone, but there comes a time where you do need to put the fear behind you because its a necessity to tell by that time. If you don't tell someone, just anyone at this point, i'm afraid of you getting worse and I don't want that for you. I think you are suffering enough right now and it would be horrible if it got worse than this. Its horrible now but you know what I mean. If you really set yourself to it, you can tell someone. You just need to be determined to get help. The only way to get help and get better is if you want it and if you let it happen. If you make the move. Thats something that people can't do for you. We can make suggestions, but we can't do for you what a true professional can. I think you should get some help because once you do, you'll be feeling a bit better and maybe can find a substitute for SHing. Its a long and hard habit to break, but it can be done.
I somewhat understand what you feel about your friend, but the thing is, he's in the wrong too. You may not feel like he is but he is. He knows you get very upset when he's upset. It was really horrible of him to react that way and to continue to behave the way he is when he knows that. Although it can be hard sometimes when you know a friend is feeling depressed and SHs (speaking from experience), you can't get upset at them like that. You need to continue to be supportive and do everything you can to help them. You can't get tired of what they are going through. You can't leave them in the dark like he's doing. Thats one of the worst things you can do. You may feel like you did some things wrong with him and everyone feels like that, none of us are perfect. But no, you aren't the reason why you guys aren't doing well. He's choosing to act like this. This isn't your fault. Its not fair to you that he is.


   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 4th 2012, 03:10 PM

thanks everyone... i took some suggestions... i told my mom. she didnt care.. i told one of my teachers and they didnt either... i even went to the counselors... but they just told me that im bringing down their mood and that they are glad they get paid for this kind of thing... i dont think im gonna be trying to talk to any adults anymore.... nobody cares... why would they though? im just a little emo chick that brings everyone else down with me...
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 4th 2012, 03:12 PM

and julia... its already gotten worse... 2 of my friends got into a car crash and died this morning.....
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 4th 2012, 04:08 PM

My god Kati! PM me if you want to! Youll be okay though
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 4th 2012, 04:13 PM

oh.my.god. i'm so sorry. pm me if you need anything. i'll help you if i can!


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Re: what do i do?????? - February 4th 2012, 07:23 PM

PM me too=( Im very sorry=( Maybe you should call a hotline?


   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 4th 2012, 08:03 PM

I know you prefer female advice, but advice is better than no advice.

I cant imagine how you feel, as every ones depression is different, I suffer from depression too, have just come out of hospital as I tried killing my self, and I've had one of my friends commit suicide within the past month. By the sounds of it your not in a good way at the moment, but the main thing is you have your friends who are helping you, and your mum knows the situation that you were in. Where as for me, I do have supportive friends, but I don't like to ask for help, and none of them realise when I am actually depressed. As for not taking anti-depressants I have been on and off them for the last few years and I have never noticed them help me. Although since I have chose to stop taking them since I have come out of hospital I have noticed I am getting more depressed each day. I have also taken overdoses with all my anti-depressants which was 2 months worth, depending on what else you have done with the over dose I don't think its enough to kill you but can do serious damage. I think you should go to the doctor and speak about anti-depressants. I have learnt that there is nothing no one can say that will make you feel better, the best thing that anyone can do is to be there to support you, so I'm not going to tell you that every thing will be fine dont do this do that, every thing is your choice, but for you to still be alive that means that you are incredibly strong. Take your friends and family's support as not everyone has that support there. Negative thoughts are not needed the second you have a negative thought think of a positive thought block the negatives out, counselling is where you discuss negative thoughts. Stay strong and I hope you get through this.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 5th 2012, 07:22 AM

my mom doesnt know anything anymore. i dont tell her anything. yea she knows im depressed. but she doesnt know that i cut myself, or have thought of and have attempted suicide before. i dont want to do antidepressants in the first place anyways. if i were to have antidepressants id probably treat them like my sleeping pills and want to take more and more of them every day. im afraid to take my sleeping pills because i want to take so many and id probably overdose on them. i have many friends supporting me... none of my family knows though. and although i have friends that support me it feels like they arent there when i need them to be or that when i do talk about it im just burdening them because its like im always going to my friends.... it feels like i cant go to anyone... it feels like even though i know i have the support.... no one is supporting me. and as for the negative thoughts thing... ive tried that i dont know how many times... and its never worked.... all of my positive thoughts... somehow become negative in some way.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 5th 2012, 07:34 AM

You need to find some adult to go to. I know you don't want to go to mom and dad. You said they knew you were depressed but they don't know HOW depressed. Its kinda a necessary thing, especially at this point. But, if you dont want them to know for right now, i'd try going to a friend's parent for help.


   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 5th 2012, 04:47 PM

yea.... thats kind of a problem... i dont know very many of my friends parents... and those that i do know are a bit on the dumbass bastards.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 5th 2012, 07:37 PM

Well, even if you don't know them well, just go to one that you think is fairly nice and go with a friend up to them and say "I have a bit of a problem and I really need your help, can you help me?" And start there.


   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 5th 2012, 09:49 PM

all i can offer is to go outside, and scream at the sky. people will think you're crazy, but it really helps sometimes. i always go out, and run till i fall to my knees, and i ask god why he pushed this on me. then i think of seth, and everything seems right again. he's like my cocaine, and just the thought of him calms me. try to find someone like that.


We...are not alone. Not until we choose to be. Choose your fate. Defy life and become your own. Don't conform.

   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 8th 2012, 03:06 PM

i used to have someone like that... but he wants absolutely nothing to do with me now...... just thinking about him makes me fall deeper into depression and want to die even more.....
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 9th 2012, 01:05 AM

You gotta find somebody, you obviously can't do this alone. I would STRONGLY advise you to just go with a friend to their parent and ask them for help.


   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 10th 2012, 02:32 PM

i... i'll give it a try...... but i doubt they will care.
   
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Re: what do i do?????? - February 11th 2012, 07:16 AM

Good girl. Just try it.


   
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