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Avvie12 Offline
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I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 06:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi. I go by Avvie. I have an anxiety disorder. I've had low lying depression since fourth grade. I use to part take in self harm. I still tell myself horrible things.

I just need to rant... I hope someone will take time to read and respond, to care.

The thing is, my life isn't that horrible. It just started off like absolute shit.

In fourth grade, my teacher would call me names like retard and such, names that fourth grader shouldn't have to deal with. I started pulling my hair and was diagnosed with Trichotillomania. At the age of nine, I start going to a therapist and was put on 100MG Zoloft pills. To avoid bullying because I had bald spot from where I pulled my hair, I wore bandannas. My mother called the school and got me permission to wear the headgear. She even called my teacher to let her know.

Of course, my teacher would ignore her and tell me to take off my bandanna so everyone could see my shame.

My teacher started something among the kids. They picked up on her bullying and came after me to, making me cry in class. Everyday I was called names and told things like, "No one likes you because you're weird!"

At the age of nine, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to run away. And it wasnt even for a selfish reason. I sincerely thought people would be better off without me. I thought my family hated me. I thought all these horrible things about myself.

Not bad for a Christian school, eh?

In 7th grade, I was in Psychiatric Ward for a week. I had started cutting. Depression had grabbed me again and I couldn't get out of it. I spent my birthday in a hospital with others like me. My mother, father, and pastor would come visit me. My dad went so far as to sneak me some Cadbury eggs when he knew they weren't allowed. My three siblings thought I was in getting my head examined because of all of my headaches. My mom would tell me how much they all missed me.

When I got out, I signed a contract saying that I would handle any sharp objects or be left alone for a year. I also had to attend a year of psychiatric and therapist appointments.

In eighth grade, I lost my best friend. I also gained a boy that would forever change my life.

I'm going to stop there.

I'm here because I'm scared. I'm scared of losing myself again. I have started cutting again and overdosing and biting myself and hitting myself and telling myself horrible things.

And I'm so scared I'm going crazy because I don't even recognize the voices in my head.

I'm not sure what to expect from everyone here... I'm still scared to post this.
   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 06:53 PM

First of all, welcome. I hope this website helps you a lot, it's really helped me and I've only been here for a week.
You don't need to be afraid to post anything here. We are just like you.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I have depression and I cut too. It sucks .
I was bullied a lot in fourth grade too. I came home crying because some of the girls were mean to me, even my best friends. I think it makes it harder for the rest of your life, even if people stop teasing you as you get older. Some things, we just never really forget.
Were you talking about the voices in your head metaphorically, or do you actually hear voices? Because if you do, you should probably talk to a doctor and maybe start therapy again. That could be a serious problem.
I'm here if you want to talk. You can PM me about anything you need to talk about.


You believe there's somewhere else
Where it's easier than this
And you see outside yourself
And you buy the hole you'll fill
-Foo Fighters
   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 08:08 PM

It's more or less that when I put myself down, I cant even recognize if I'm the one thinking it or if someone is telling me that. It's hard to explain.

I'm still in therapy. I see her about once a month. I'm too scared to say anything. I don't... want to be seen as some monster or something...
   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 08:10 PM

They won't see you as a monster.
   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 08:12 PM

I'm so sorry sweetheart=( Please never be afraid to post things here. We have really caring and helpful people that will always do whatever they can. Im so sorry you were hurt like that so young=( Thats a terrible, terrible thing. I think it would be good for you to get regular counceling. But I don't mean go back to the psyc ward, thats sounds like too much. You're not crazy. I mean like therapy once a week. I think it might help you and make you happier. Are you still having problems at school? If you are, i'd ask your mom if next school year, you could be homeschooled. My 2 friends are homeschooled and one of them does her classes online. So thats an option. If you ever need to talk, im here. I'd be glad to help=)


   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 08:13 PM

And you're not a monster. Nobody should see you in that way. If they do, there's something wrong with THEM.


   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 08:31 PM

You guys are actually making me tear up a bit. Thank you for your support.

And no. I don't have problems like that at school anymore. I was moved out of the Christian school. I'll see if I can get back onto regular counselling. Part of the problem is that I'm scared of saying something and end up back in the hospital.
   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 08:33 PM

Okay well, I dont know if going to the hospital would be the right thing. I don't know if I would ever take my kid to a hospital like that. I think what i'd do is get them some therapy. I know you said you're going but maybe just going more frequently?


   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 08:49 PM

Nobody should see you like a monster. You aren't. I'm glad you're still in therapy, have you discussed all this with your therapist? Don't be afraid to. We're always here if you need help <3


You believe there's somewhere else
Where it's easier than this
And you see outside yourself
And you buy the hole you'll fill
-Foo Fighters
   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 08:56 PM

No, I haven't told my therapist yet. I'll try to work on the courage to tell her next session. And I'll see if I can get it back to every other week.
   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 4th 2012, 09:08 PM

Good girl=) Im here if you ever want to talk or even if you'd like a new friend=)


   
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Re: I don't even know anymore. - February 5th 2012, 09:00 PM

dude, i've had some bad bullying. in preschool, these three girls ganged up on me, and one of them bit me several times over a month. and i mean hard enough to break the skin. funny enough, one of them is kind of a friend now. and recently i joined this new school group, the bully blasters, because i wanted to see how other people dealt with bullying. i actually knew a couple of them very well, which was not so much of a surprise to see them there.
so, i'm no stranger to bullying. if you ever need to talk, pm me, i'll respond as soon as i can. promise. cross my heart and hope to die. pinky swear, and etc.


We...are not alone. Not until we choose to be. Choose your fate. Defy life and become your own. Don't conform.

   
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