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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
dani99 Offline
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Hope lies just beyond the horizon ( A story about depression, self harm, suicide attempt, and recovery ) - February 23rd 2012, 02:58 AM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hello, my name is Danielle. Let me tell you just a little about myself. I am currenly 16 years old. I have two younger brothers, a baby sister, and an older brother. I have a boyfriend that I love half the death and have been with about a year now. I play the clarinet, and it helps me through more than I ever thought it was. I am an all A student, and I'm on my way to success everyday. I have an anger problem, but I learn more and more self control as I live my life. My father left when I was only ten, and it still hurts every day. I used to be a wreck, and I'm still picking up the pieces so I can move on. This is my story.

I can't really tell you when or how it started. I can only let my mind wander back to when I was three years old. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother was an emotional wreck with two toddlers and a baby (my two little brothers). My other brother lived with his mom, and we had no idea where he was.

My dad scared me, to be honest. I'd dread anytime he'd get mad and I refused to let him tuck me in at night. I didn't want to get near him. He didn't beat me to the point near death, but he did do things such as slap me in the face and spank me and slap me, sometimes punch me when he got mad enough when I cried. I could remember times he'd yank me by my hair if I would run away from him.

And it wasn't only the physical "abuse". He emotionally tore be apart. I was horrified of my dad. I was terrified of men. I thought all men were the same.

I remember one night, when I was about four I had my first gruesome nightmare. To this day, it's still fresh in my mind as if I just had it last night. When I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach.

It was a nighmare that my dad was chasing me through a graveyard with an army of skeletons and zombies. All I remember is fear, and I was just running and running. I kept wanting to stop and rest, but I just had to keep running. He chased me into a small broken shack, and told his army to kill me. They tore my arms off, eating my flesh. Blood was dripping everywhere, and all you could hear were my cries and screams. And it didn't end there. Most people wake up when they die or when they're about to die. I didn't, though. I still saw them eating my remains once I was dead.

The physical abuse ended when I was five or six years old, but my dad was still a very angry person and still emotionally hurt me. I was a bad and worthless child. So many things were my fault. I was stupid and impossible to "train". I didn't know any better at times, but he still told me how terrible and worthless I was. He'd make fun of me for being "fat" and if I'd get answers wrong in school.

When I was in first grade, I met a girl named Saige. Something was off about her, but I wasn't sure what. She was nice, so I became friends with her. Once we got close, she cut all of her hair off and told me she was a boy. She told me I was pretty and she wanted to marry me, because she liked my shoes.
One day, she had her door locked when we were playing with Barbie dolls. She suddenly took her clothes off and pushed me into her closet. She told me to touch her. She told me that I should take my clothes off. I threatened to tell her mom and leave and never come back, and then she finally backed off and I left her house. A little while later, I forgave her and at my 7th birthday party, she threatened to kill herself. I stopped talking to her after that.

In fifth grade, my dad left our family. He just "needed a break". A few months later, he filed for a divorce. I felt so much pain, because my family was breaking apart. He had hurt me, but for some reason, I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving. I thought I'd never see him again. I thought it was all my fault.

After he moved out, though, he became so much nicer and didn't make fun of me as much. Then, as soon as I was starting to become daddy's little girl after 10 years of damage, he left to another state 10 hours away. I started feeling the little bit of depression I knew. I ran away, and two hours later, my mom found me and grounded me. Still hurt and confused that my dad had left and so much was going on, I told my mom I wanted to kill myself. And I meant it.

In sixth grade, we moved from Florida to Mississippi. I left my few friends, and it brought me even further from my dad. My grandpa was in the hospital with lung cancer. I was still hurt and confused. I was planning on killing myself then. I got up, and actually got a knife. I was really going to do it, to. As I took the knife out, my mom woke up and found me. Knowing what I was doing, she grounded me and hid all sharp objects. Called my dad at midnight, and he yelled at me and told me I was stupid. I hung up with him and went to bed. The next night, I had my first panic attack and almost went to the hospital because I felt as if I couldn't breathe.

People in my new school were so mean to me. I was made fun of. I was called fat, monobrow, and just everything else. I hated just about everyone there.

In 7th grade, I started liking girls. I came out to my family, thinking they would accept me. Thinking it would be no big deal. But, they shunned me for it. Told me it was a sin, and I was even told I was going to hell.

During the following summer, I fell "in love" with a girl named Danielle (same name as me!). She was a few months younger than me. She was tall, tan, and was just beautiful. I believe I obsessed over her for the longest time ever. She just wasn't into me, and I tried not to press, but it was so hard. I was lonely, and desperate for her. I felt like I was so unloveable, and hated myself for it. I took a handfull of pills, trying to kill myself. I wanted to die. I failed, and ended up throwing up two days straight.

This one guy who liked me asked me out after my friend dumped him. I told him no, and he asked me if I would have sex with him. Obviously, the guy couldn't take a straight forward no, so I told him "No, I don't want anything but to be friends". He told me that I'd be sorry. That he'd make me. I blocked him on sites such as myspace and facebook and yahoo, but he found me on OTHER sites that I didn't know he knew exsisted, got my dad's number, got my new cell number, and found my side email address and kept telling me that he would have sex with me. That he'd rape me and force me to do everything with him. I suddenly got very afraid, and he was doing the same to my friend.

The past with my dad and this other guy scared me so bad that I hated guys. In 8th grade, I slowly moved on from Danielle. My attention turned towards another girl later on in the year who I was friend's with, Ivy. She was so much different than Danielle. She was shorter than I was, short black hair, green eyes, and pale skin. She made me feel alive, but also very numb. She converted me to everything dark and tried to convince me to be a Satanist. Dispite everything dark, she refused to let me hurt myself. I had been cutting for 3 years then (started in 6th grade). Well, she had a boyfriend who she had obsessed over for a while. His name was Sebastian.

He really creeped me out at first. He really did. Any time he'd come over to hang out I'd hide behind her because he's tall as hell, long blonde hair, and a beard to match. Guys still scared me.

One day, she asked me if I'd have a threesome with them, knowing how into her I was. If it wasn't for my fear of guys, I would have said yes. I told her that I just couldn't do it, and she understood. Later on in the year, I moved on from her very slowly. By the 9th grade, I was over her.

During the summer, I spent a while in hospitalization for my depression. When I got out, my mom told me I couldn't hang out with Ivy or Sebastian anymore.

I moved again to another school in 9th grade. I was even more mad for my mom moving me away from the few friends I had. I was even starting to be friends with Sebastian. I got a boyfriend then, giving guys a shot - named Ryan. We were only together for a month and I lost my virginity to him, because I had no self respect for myself and thought I was good for nothing. I had stopped cutting by then.

After I came to my senses and he told me I was embarressing and annoying, that he didn't love me - I broke up with him. A few months later, I dated my friend, Scarlet. But she ended up using me to get with someone else. We're still friends now, though.

A little while after that, me and Sebastian were like best best friends. He made me happy and I felt important and beautiful and everything. I already kinda liked him since the end of 8th grade, but we never went out because he was getting over Ivy, but he kind of liked me, too. He would sing to me and play his guitar. Told me I was cute and a really good friend, that he didn't want to live life without me. He told me he'd be my shoulder to cry on, and that he'd never leave me when I needed him.

I fell more and more in love with him, and he never failed to talk to me for hours on the phone and made me feel like a princess. One day, my boobs came up in conversation. He admitted to being a little turned on, which that some how lead to an agreement being friends with benefits. That lasted maybe two months, and then he ended things off with me. He then stopped talking to me all together, and got a girlfriend.

Weeks after that, I dated a guy named Bobby. He was sweet and we never did anything sexual, so that was good. But he never called or we never hung out and he stopped talking to me at school, so we agreed to being just friends.


Litterily the day after, I started dating my current boyfriend, Austin. I only knew of him for like 2 or 3 weeks, and we met the day after we started going out. We went through a lot of being caught with having sex, and I even had a miscarriage on January 5th, 2012.

But here I am, right now. I haven't cut in two years. I haven't committed suicide (obviously). I have a brighter look in life, I love God once more. I'm not all dark wearing black all of the time, and I'm more girly now. I'm more social, and I try more in school. There are days I wish life could just be over with, but then I shake my head and tell myself that in time, I'll get better. My depression still holds onto me everyday, and I still ask why. I still cry almost every night. But my head is held up high and I know I'll make it.

I know that all of you out there with questions of why your life is how it is will make it, too.


Just a girl with an angel above, just a girl with an angel to love. My angel grew wings and she did dare to fly. But I promise my angel, it's only good night but never good-bye. My angel, my angel in heaven above. My angel, my darling, you'll always have my love. Rest in peace, my sweet darling, it's only temporary that we part. My angel, my angel, how you still do steal my heart </3


   
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lauri Offline
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Re: Hope lies just beyond the horizon ( A story about depression, self harm, suicide attempt, and recovery ) - February 23rd 2012, 03:40 AM

I read it all. You have been through a lot Im glad you made it through it. Your not worthless or ugly your very nice and I know that because you help me. I thank you for letting me talk to you. Thanks for helping me and being nice to me {: Im here for you too.

Im afraid of guys too so I understand that feeling. Its hard for me to trust guys too mostly because what I live around is a dad that yells a lot. My parents fight a lot dont act like there married. I have had a guy block the door in a empty classroom with me in it. I was so terrifed so many things could have happend he was just yelling at me saying no you cant leave til we talk and I just stood there terrified. I eventualy just went for it and went around him to the door I got out thank god.

What your dad did to you was NOT your faullt. You did NOT deserve it. The people that put you down call you names they just say it to hurt you. Dont believe what they say because honestly its NOT true. I have never moved in my life so I dont know how that feels. It must have been hard moving all the time leaving your friends. Im sorry. Your first grade friend she does seem a little off I bet she had some mental disorder poor thing so young. If that happened to me I would have told her mom she did that so she was aware of what her daughter was doing. The person that sayed he wanted to rape you he is a very sick sick person. I hope you told your parents about that or the police. Im glad he never raped you. If your bf now treats you right and doesnt pressure you to have sex then I say hes a keeper as long as he treats you right {: I love god too god is good he sure is and he has beeen with you danille every step of the way through all of this and god will be with you forever. Trust in him pray to him know that he has a plan sometimes you dont know his plan right away so got to be patient. I love god with all my heart I pray to him and he has taught me so many things and given me so many things that Im so bless to have.


Just want to add Im really really sorry about your miscarriage. I hope your coping with it okay. }:
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Re: Hope lies just beyond the horizon ( A story about depression, self harm, suicide attempt, and recovery ) - February 23rd 2012, 03:41 AM

Wow...You have a amazing story and you must be one of the strongest people I know to be able to withstand so much horror. I'm SO sorry you had to deal with all that=( But you truly are remarkable. You're a beautiful person too for being so strong and forgiving towards people, even the ones that hurt you so bad. Keep up keeping your head up so high and if you ever need anyone to talk to or even just a new friend, i am here=)


   
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dani99 Offline
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Re: Hope lies just beyond the horizon ( A story about depression, self harm, suicide attempt, and recovery ) - February 26th 2012, 06:44 PM

Thank you, everyone. I try to be strong, and I really hope that my story will inspire others to believe that over time things will get better and no matter what happens in life it can be overcome.


Just a girl with an angel above, just a girl with an angel to love. My angel grew wings and she did dare to fly. But I promise my angel, it's only good night but never good-bye. My angel, my angel in heaven above. My angel, my darling, you'll always have my love. Rest in peace, my sweet darling, it's only temporary that we part. My angel, my angel, how you still do steal my heart </3


   
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