Triggering (Grieving): Self harm to run away from memories and truth

[ZoxParadox]

I cut myself to help me feel more stable. It sucks though because I have all these scars on my arms, I regret doing it, but whenever I feel like my world's falling apart and my minds breaking down, cutting myself is the only thing that wakes me up.

A few months ago, I basically never have felt so much stress and pressure in my life. I was to perform a set/form at a kung fu tournament, except I didn't have much time to practice beforehand because of tons of school work, so when I went up to perform in front of a high school gym filled with people watching and judges judging, I forgot everything. I felt my legs go weak with all those people glaring at me, glaring, my veins actually felt like they went cold and my heart felt like a block of ice knowing that I completely forgot everything, the world started tilting and spinning with pressure. I sloppily just performed some random moves on the spot, the judges faces looked confused and disappointed, I heard alot of the audience giggling and whispering, I have never felt that kind of terrible feeling in my life.

After I was finished with my "form", I walked as fast as I can outside and tears started flowing and I just started sobbing, I was so scared, I have never been so scared. Alot of people were walking along the sidewalk, staring at me like I was some freak, I can't argue, I probably did look like a freak. Some teenagers walked by me and just laughed at me, all these feelings coming at me at once, I didn't know what to feel. Usually, I'm the guy that's very open, confident, and caring, but I just felt like a total freak at the time. I tried telling my mom how I felt, she just told me to forget it and move on. I tried to, but I can't forget it, I can't forgive myself.

Later that night, I had a mental breakdown and started cutting myself and I heard the laughing voices and people mocking me in my head, I wanted them to shut up but they wouldn't. So when I cut myself, all the voices went away and I just heard myself sobbing in the corner of my room.

Ever since that day, I've been different. I've isolated myself into my own mind. I'm not able to concentrate on anything, I feel as if the only part of me that's alive is my mind, my body feels dead. My eyes see, my nose smells, I hear people, but I don't feel feelings. I feel as if I live inside my own mind. Also, it's become a habit that whenever I start to remember that day, I cut myself to keep me from breaking down. Which isn't too often, but still happens. It's this habit where I feel "dead" that worries me. I feel as if life's a dream and reality is fake at times, too. I haven't felt "refreshed" ever since, I always feel, as much as I hate to say it, emotionless and asleep in a nightmare.

[ZoxParadox]

Feel like a total fool for putting this up as grieving, sorry for the misunderstanding.

[Telethia]

Hey there,

I am so sorry that you're feeling this bad

I bet that night was really scary, but I hope you'll reconsider self harming, It doesn't really help. I know it seems like it is, but it really isn't. I've been there and I know how hard it is to stop, but it is possible. You should try alternatives, such as doing something you love, dancing like a lunatic, walking, or watching a funny movie.

You should really talk to someone you trust, like a teacher or friend about how you're feeling. If there's no one you think you could tell, you could always go to a professional. I think it would help you a lot. I know it's hard, but you can do it and you'll be so glad once you do.

Good luck and take care.