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I Must Have Pain - August 2nd 2012, 02:04 AM

Throughout the duration of the summer, I feel like I've been numb the entire way because nothing has seriously gone wrong. I'm so used to being in pain all the time, not being in emotional stress and pain has caused me numbness and memory loss. I want to go back to the way things were.. It's the norm to me and I don't know how to cope without it... Pain is so normal to me that I feel like I'm losing myself without it. I barely know how to explain it, but it's like pain created me. It's more than boredom. I've lost all sense of myself.. I don't know what to do and I'm completely at a loss. I'm to the point of telling my boyfriend to hurt me, and although I have a small voice telling me not to, I want him to.. I need chaos and insanity in my life, or I will find other ways of making it happen because this is just not normal.


I am not alone- not beaten down just yet.. I am not afraid of the voices in my head. Down the darkest road, something follows me! I am not alone.. 'Cause misery loves my company!
   
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Re: I Must Have Pain - August 2nd 2012, 05:32 PM

Hi there.

I think once we've been feeling a certain way for a longer period of time, we do get used to it and like you said, it becomes the norm to us and I think its understandable as to why you feel this. I think you'll find a lot of people who have been through depression or a 'bad episode' for a longer period in life get used to feeling that way and even the thought of change can be scary because its not what we're used to. Maybe its about taking it in small steps. Start doing little things that make you happy and work you way up. You got used to feel this way and you can get used to feeling another way too.

Keep your chin up,
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Re: I Must Have Pain - August 12th 2012, 01:02 AM

Happiness seems really pointless at this point in time.. it's been too long since I experienced it truly and honestly, it would only be given to me to be stripped away again. It's what happens every time or I feel nothing at all. I despise feeling numb....


I am not alone- not beaten down just yet.. I am not afraid of the voices in my head. Down the darkest road, something follows me! I am not alone.. 'Cause misery loves my company!
   
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Re: I Must Have Pain - August 12th 2012, 02:44 AM

I'm really sorry you've been feeling this way. You don't deserve to be unhappy. When I was feeling like I had lost myself I made a list of little truths about me. Like, I've always wanted to try tomato soup or I love climbing trees. It sounds stupid, but I think it's the little things that make us who we are.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? A parent, friend, or counselor. Your boyfriend maybe. If you can't tell them everything, maybe they could help yo u get professional help. Just because you've been feeling like this for a while, doesn't mean that's how it's supposed to be or always will be. Hang in there.


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Re: I Must Have Pain - August 12th 2012, 01:44 PM

Hey there,

I am sorry you are struggling so much! I am glad you have reached out and I hope that we are able to offer you support.

You know, I agree that when you have felt a certain way for a long period of time it is hard for your body to acknowledge anything else. I experienced something similar to what you are feeling at one point in time as well. When I was 17 my life was pretty messed up and I was going in and out of psychiatric hospitals. There were times when I would start to feel better but by feeling better all I felt was a sense of being numb. And the reason for this was because I had never really experienced anything but those intense feelings of sadness and self destruction. My body wanted to rebel and it made me extremely confused. However, the more I addressed the fact that I didn't know how to feel happiness and acknowledge that sadness and self destruction were all I knew the better able I was at, slowly, starting to embrace the times in life when I was able to laugh or go to bed without feeling so sad etc. And now, well, I will admit that I am not 100% better but I am able to laugh more and enjoy the happy moments that come my way. You can have those same things happen to you as well.

I know right now that happiness seems pointless but I assure you it isn't. As cheesy as it sounds all the good moments in your life will outweigh all the bad. It might take time for you to see this or believe it but it is true.

Are you currently seeing a counselor? If not do you think you could look into getting one? It could be really beneficial and a counselor can help you get to a better place and help you see that there are so many other things for you to experience in this life besides pain.

You talked about your boyfriend; is he someone you could turn to for support while you are dealing with all of these issues? I know that letting people in, letting walls down, can be extremely hard but in a lot of ways it is worth it. Besides your boyfriend do you have any other friends or family you could confide in?

I know that right now everything seems overwhelming but I know you can make it to a better place. Please hang in there and if you need anything please feel free to pm me.


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Re: I Must Have Pain - August 12th 2012, 08:50 PM

I do make lists and diaries, but I stop thinking about them when I go numb. When I go numb, it's like everything in my head shuts down and I'm sleep walking. I have a counselor, but she's terrible because she's a social worker. My parents refused to get me a psychiatrist even though it was determined to be medically necessary because I fake so much stuff in front of them. I refuse to go on medication for personal reasons. I don't want to feel numb again and I don't care if they're not supposed to make you feel that way because most of them do and I don't want to become a lab rat while they systematically decide what drugs to pump into my brain :/ If I am not me, who am I to say that I am truly happy?


I am not alone- not beaten down just yet.. I am not afraid of the voices in my head. Down the darkest road, something follows me! I am not alone.. 'Cause misery loves my company!
   
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