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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Reign. Offline
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Unhappy You don't have to read this. - August 2nd 2012, 06:15 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi, I'm Kayla.
I've become addicted to destroying myself. I sit and wonder sometimes if it was meant to be this way. If I was meant to hurt. If it was just 'in the stars' for me to to be constantly overwhelmed by pain.

I've always had nothing but negative attention from my parents (let's just say they're not the best,) no love, they've never been there for me when I needed someone. Hell, most my problems spring from them, so it's not like I really wanted them to be.
So I ran from what I was feeling inside, starting at age 10. I started cutting. I didn't eat. I was clinically depressed. Bi-polar.

It all happened so fast. I've done all the things I promised myself I wouldn't. But I didn't have anyone. But I had my blade.
'Cigarettes and lyrics made me' who I am. So did that pure relief I attained feeling that razor move across my skin.

So was it meant to be like this? Was this 'God's plan for me'?

I've tried to recover multiple times, and I got pretty far until one day it all came crashing down. I was 197 days strong. That's over 6 months. And then everything became too much for me and I 'killed my butterflies' - and my hope.
That was about 2 1/2 months ago. And I recently relapsed again. I'm not the strongest person. I try, but it's hard. I know I'm always preaching about recovery and the power your inner strength can give you, but right now I just don't have any inner strength. I'm a perfectionist, and it makes it all worse. Part of me doesn't want to stop cutting.

I'm not perfect.

But I strive to be. Anything less than great on my part is a complete disgrace. Imagine where I learned that from.
Society [and my parents] have destroyed me. I'm not a normal soon-to-be 15 year old. I had to grow up so fast and I appreciate that for some things, but I hate it for the fact that I wish I didn't have to go through this everyday.



So dance if it moves you,
and jump in the fire, if it burns you.
I'll throw my arms around you darlin',
and we'll turn to ashes.

Kinda like the way you tell me,
"Baby, please come home. I need you here right now.
I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound."


What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Kate* Offline
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 2nd 2012, 08:21 PM

Kayla, you DO NOT deserve to suffer everyday and you don't deserve pain! I'm sorry that your parents aren't who you wish they could be, it's unfortunate, but we can't change other people so we have to adjust our expectations of them. Clinical depression and bipolar disorder are completely different. Both require a diagnosis from a professional and bipolar disorder requires medication. I suggest trying to reach out for help if you haven't already.

I understand what you mean about society and your parents making you think you have to be perfect, I used to think that way too, but you DON'T have to be perfect and NO ONE really is. Your best is all anyone can ask of you and if that's not good enough for them it's THEIR problem, not yours.


Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." Jean Paul Sarte
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 2nd 2012, 08:35 PM

Kayla,

Im sorry to hear that things are rough for you right now. Its great you feel you can come here and talk to us about what's going on for you and how you are feeling.

It sounds as though your relationship with your parents is pretty rough right now. Do you want to tell us more about it? We're here to listen and we're here to help. We don't judge you but the more you tell us about what's going on, the more we'll me able to help you. And that's what we want to be able to do; help you.

You don't deserve the pain you're going through. No one deserves that pain. I get that this is hard, but its not always going to be this way for you. Things can and they will get better. Try putting things into perspective. Try and be positive because you wont always have to have these negative emotions, it can get better. You blame society, but who are society? You are. I am. We are. So we're all influenced by the people around us and what we see, right? Its time to make that change. You're following in the ways and its down to us, this generation to take action and change to prevent people like you feeling this way and blaming society. I don't know if that makes sense but maybe you can use that as a reason to keep on fighting to get through this; to help others.

You have your whole life ahead of you and I know its hard but I believe in you. You've come here and reached out to us and that proves something. You dont need self harm and ultmiately the only person who can stop you from hurting yourself is yourself. You did incredibly well to go that amout of time with out hurting yourself and I honestly think it is completely inspirational. I look up to people like you because I see your strength shine right through. That took strength and if you've done it before, you can do it again. Do you try and use any distractions when you struggle with the urges? If not it might be worth trying. Remember not every single one you try is going to help you and it is all a bit like trial and error so don't give up when something doesn't help; keep on trying.

And don't be alone. People love and care about you and I feel sure if you were to tell your friends about whats going on, they'd want to be there for you and support you as much as they can do. I know it might be scary but having that support around us can really make the difference. You're not on your own in this. And we're always here too. If you ever need u at any point, you know where to find us. And you're always welcome to shoot me a personal message if you'd like too.

Keep on smiling, you can do this :-)
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

Helplink Mentor l Article writer l Forum mod l Community Mod
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Reign. Offline
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 3rd 2012, 06:32 PM

Thanks you guys. <33 That really helps a lot.
And Jessie, yes, I have tried multiple distractions. :| But I am trying to stay strong and it means so much to me that you guys are here for me. So thank you all. <3



So dance if it moves you,
and jump in the fire, if it burns you.
I'll throw my arms around you darlin',
and we'll turn to ashes.

Kinda like the way you tell me,
"Baby, please come home. I need you here right now.
I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound."


What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Jeez, get a life!
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 3rd 2012, 06:45 PM

Kayla,

It's great that you're trying so hard and that itself is a massive achievement. Keep on trying distractions. Some things will work, others won't but don't give up. You're worth a lot and I think you're going to be fine. I think you'll get through this and get out to the other side. But remember, we're here to support you along your journey. You're not alone in this and you're always welcome to shoot me a PM if you ever need anything.

Keep your chin up :-)
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

Helplink Mentor l Article writer l Forum mod l Community Mod
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
Reign. Offline
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 4th 2012, 01:27 AM

Thanks, you guys have all been so helpful and supportive! It really helps.



So dance if it moves you,
and jump in the fire, if it burns you.
I'll throw my arms around you darlin',
and we'll turn to ashes.

Kinda like the way you tell me,
"Baby, please come home. I need you here right now.
I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound."


What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
   
  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Ambedo. Offline
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 4th 2012, 02:09 AM

Kayla,

I'm so sorry to hear that things are so tough for you. I may not have the perfect words to say, but I'm going to do my best to help you out here.

First of all, let me say that you do not deserve to suffer every day. In fact, it's the exact opposite. You deserve so much happiness and peace. But, I get that it doesn't always seem possible. I get that there are times where you just feel zapped of all strength and the will to keep trying. But, you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for. Going 6 months without self harm? That's huge and it's something to be so proud of. Sure, you relapsed, but that doesn't take away the fact that you made amazing progress. Now, the choice is yours. Are you going to quit now or are you going to push yourself to make it even longer than you did the first time?

I'm really glad to hear that you've been trying out some ways to distract yourself when you're feeling the urge to self harm. You may not have found the perfect one for you yet, but I promise it's out there. It might be something obvious that you never thought could work or it might be something completely obscure. But, it's there and it's going to help you stay strong. So, keep searching for that thing and ask for help along the way. Seriously, it's not a bad thing. There are so many people who care about you and want to be there for you, including the people here on TeenHelp. So, take advantage of that. Keep reaching out and telling people how you really feel. Ask for help when you can't stay standing on your own. It's what we're here for. It's what your friends are there for. It's what all the people who love you feel privileged to do for you.

I have so much faith in you, Kayla. I know that might be a little hard to believe, since we've never met or spoken. But, I have my reasons. The fact that you reached out. The fact that you're still trying. The fact that you still try your best to support people, even when you're having a rough time. Those are all amazing things and they just prove to me that you CAN do this. It might not change right away, but it will happen.

Please know that you can message me anytime you want to, whether it's to talk about something serious or something completely random. I'm always here. <3

Take care, Kayla.


wanderlust consumed her;
foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
-d. marie
   
  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Reign. Offline
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 4th 2012, 06:51 PM

Thanks, Sammi. <33 I am trying my best and I do feel a lot better thanks to you guys! I'm trying to stay strong. You guys are so amazing here.



So dance if it moves you,
and jump in the fire, if it burns you.
I'll throw my arms around you darlin',
and we'll turn to ashes.

Kinda like the way you tell me,
"Baby, please come home. I need you here right now.
I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound."


What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 8th 2012, 04:01 AM

God would never, ever, do anything to hurt you like that Kayla. He loves everyone and only plans our lives out of love, and what would make us stronger in the end. Thats what I think hes planning, for you to be stronger in the end of all of this. And honestly, I don't know you, and I don't know how much longer all of this is going to continue for you, but things do get better.
Im not gonna rant about my life, but lets just say that a month ago exactly, I was 10 seconds away from destroying myself forever. And now im here and everythings fine. I went through a year and a half of pure sorrow and heartbreak and hurt. And now its all paid off, and I never wanna go back to it.

Everything gets better in the end, and if its not better, then it isnt the end.

I know its a lot to stay strong, i know how hard it is and I know how urge goes. I still have them all the time. But you aren't hopeless. Everybody hurts sometimes, you aren't alone. And no ones perfect, but its better to have flaws and to realize that than to go through your life pretending that youre perfect.
Kayla, i know what a rough life is. OK my parents were and sometimes are still abusive. my should've been boyfriend left me for my couldve been girlfriend. I have ADD insomnia and bipolar disorder, as well as dpression. Im currently dealiing with ED and SH, but i dug down deep in my heart and soul and found the courage to find the things in life that make me strive to not get up and to simply inhale and exhale and go through life.
Its not simple.
but its all gonna be okay.
I really really hope things get easier for you, and if you ever
EVER
need to talk, please, I'm here to listen.
Stay strong <3 -Tay
   
  (#10 (permalink)) Old
Reign. Offline
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Re: You don't have to read this. - August 8th 2012, 09:58 PM

Thank you, Tay. <33 That really helps a lot to know I'm not alone. Please know that I'm here for you as well if you ever need someone to talk to.



So dance if it moves you,
and jump in the fire, if it burns you.
I'll throw my arms around you darlin',
and we'll turn to ashes.

Kinda like the way you tell me,
"Baby, please come home. I need you here right now.
I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound."


What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
   
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