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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
bitesize Offline
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Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 22nd 2012, 11:30 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've been free of self-harm for 3.5 years this month, an I'm really really proud of myself. Even when I'm feeling very down it's extremely rare now that I get the urge to SH to make myself feel better.
But sometimes I really miss just having it in my life. Does that sound weird?? I don't seem to associate it with feeling depressed, I just miss everything about it ~ not just doing it but the aftermath, and the I-have-my-own-little-secret-feeling of having to cover up cuts, and having this thing that I could always rely on to make myself feel better when things were very bad.
I can't see myself cutting in the near future and like I said I'm very proud that I've come this far and gone this long, but I don't like the thought of never ever having it in my life again. Often I think one of the reasons I've managed to go this long is because I never promised myself that it would never happen again... if I had done that I would maybe have wanted to do it more, simply because I wasn't 'allowed'. Whereas by reminding myself that it's always there to come back to if I really need it, I feel less of an urge to do it.
The way you don't particularly feel like eating ice cream until someone tells you that you're not allowed have ice cream ever again, and then you want ALL the ice cream. In the world. You mightn't even have thought of ice cream for a whole year if someone hadn't said you couldn't have it.

Admittedly it mightn't be the most healthy way of looking at it, but so far it's worked for me. If I feel like it's ok to do it sometime again if I need to, it's easier to keep going longer without it. I just miss it like crazy sometimes. I know that I'm better off without it and it's lovely to be able to wear short sleeves without thinking and everything but sometimes I feel a bit wistful. Is there anyone else that's officially 'recovered' but that feels similar??

Sorry this got a bit long and rambly guys!!


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 23rd 2012, 12:40 AM

I know exactly what you mean. I went over 2 years SH free, and even when I was really down it just wasn't something I automatically went to as a coping mechanism. But I still think about it a lot. Not like urges, but it was a big part of my life for a long time and now it's not there. I think part of it that's so intoxicating is that it's so personal. It was something that was completely mine. I controlled it and it was my own little safety net whenever my emotions got too strong.
When I was first trying to stop, it was still everything I thought about. I wasn't just living, I was living SH free, damn it. It was a very conscious thing. And when I would relapse it would make me feel so awful. It was a terrible cycle. Now I just see it in a different way. It doesn't have the same hold over me as it used to. If I were to relapse now, it's just like, well hey that happened and that's okay. But I don't have to feel bad about it, and I don't have to do it again. I guess I sort of changed the way I was thinking about it. Before I was either obsessed with when I could cut next or obsessed with the fact that I couldn't cut. Either way it was everything I thought about. Now, if it happens it's not the end of the world. I don't want to SH, but I'm still in the process of recovering and that's okay. Life goes on.
Maybe it's not the healthiest way to look at it, not saying "I'm never going to cut again." But that's a lot of pressure. And like you said, it just makes it seem like it's this great and terrible thing up on a pedestal. It makes it that much harder to resist. If you've gone for so long without self harming, then I say do what works for you, because you're doing awesome. Also, let me just say congrats on being SH free for so long!! You're amazing.

Anyway, sorry my response was equally rambling! I need to focus my thoughts more before I post lol. I'm glad you're doing well!
Take care,
Hannah


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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 23rd 2012, 12:47 AM

I'm glad it's not just me, because it's something I've been struggling with lately. For me, it's not so much that I get the urge to do it, I just want the option, I guess. For me it's been 2 and a half years since I've done it last.
   
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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 23rd 2012, 01:12 AM

I think that there are a number of people who feel this way. I cannot say that I have been self harm free for nearly as long as you, in fact, the longest I have really gone is about a year. I admit that the longer I went without it the more the urges died down, however there were numerous times when I would miss it. I don't know if that ever completely goes away, I think most people just learn to live with it and realize that self harm has not brought anything 'good' into their lives. I think that is why having a list of reasons not to self harm is so important because when that feeling comes back up you will have something to ground you and remind you of all the bad things self harm brought into your life.

I also think you should be extremely proud of yourself for going so long without self harm, I think that is amazing!



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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 23rd 2012, 01:38 AM

you have no idea how much I want to relapse, just once, but can't.
I can't do that to him....I can't hurt him....
and then her....I promised...
   
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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 23rd 2012, 01:52 AM

Yes, I feel the desire to SH too even after so long, but the important thing to remember (at least for me) is that I WILL regret it an hour down the road.


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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 23rd 2012, 03:37 AM

Up until recently, my urges practically went away for about 7 months. I guess I tell myself I shouldn't do it, but there's that part of me that accepts relapses and slip ups. If it happens, it happens, and I can't really take it back.. So I guess by thinking that way, I've been able to just get over any thoughts of it. I do miss it though. More than I probably should.


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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 24th 2012, 02:08 AM

It's nice to know I'm not the only one!
I've been clean for a little over 2 & 1/2 years, but the urge to SH is still something I struggle with quite often. One of the only things keeping me from doing it, is knowing how much it would hurt my best friend to see me go through this all over again. I couldn't hurt him again! But yes, there are many days I know I miss it much more than I should!
   
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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 24th 2012, 02:59 AM

I can't remember if I felt this way or not. I am sitting here trying to think.... and I don't think I ever really missed it the way you are describing. Perhaps it all comes from how you felt when it was happening. I was so ashamed and scared to death someone would find out. It was such a stressful depressing time for myself and the fact that I pulled out of that and try to be a healthier person everyday makes me realize I love who I am now... and that I work hard everyday to be a good person... I just look back and see how far I have come. I don't want to have secrets and hide from people and I never want to go back to that place.

Edit: As I think more about this, the only thing that I have a problem with today is talking about it and sometimes when I read posts on here. Not that I miss it, or want to be in that place again. It is hard for me in the sense that I just know exactly what the poster is going through and its hard to talk to people about that. I also know that back then, I wouldn't have taken advice from anybody and the only way I was going to recover was for myself. I was never going to succeed at recovery if I was doing it because I promised someone else. And I know I read that a lot on here... and it makes it hard for me to give advice. I think that is the only time that SH still affects me today. I self harmed for about 5-6 years and have been SH free... 5-6 years now I think? Its getting kind of fuzzy now. So, it does still affect me today, but not in the same way you are describing.




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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 24th 2012, 08:25 AM

I miss it myself, as a recovering self-harmer. I, unfortunately, occasionally relapse. But, when I am successful, it still crosses my mind (despite not having an outright urge). Sometimes I stare at my scars and think about it. It's rough, but as you said, it's about reminding yourself of the benefits of recovery.


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Re: Any other recovered SHers really miss it sometimes?? - August 24th 2012, 11:11 AM

Thanks so much for the replies guys.... it really really helps to know that other people can feel the same way.


Honey, you're familiar, like my mirror, years ago
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