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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Ohsnaphey Offline
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Name: Emie
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Alright...here it goes - August 29th 2012, 04:30 AM

So I'm new on here. Although I'm 'old' and almost out of my teen years I have recently felt like I should search a little more.

Alright so it all started when I started school, I've never 'fit in' which I'm honestly ok with but as a younger me it did hurt to not have friends (I loved this polar bear sweater so it didn't help lol). In middle school I thought 'Hey let me be all cool like and be emo because those guys look cute!' So I tried to cut myself. Fail, usually just a scrap on my arm. I stopped but I wrote a note, my parents found it, made me upset, parents felt like I betrayed their trust. In the end it all worked out and everything is fine. And my parents are awesome and open and I love them to death, no hard feelings!

So that's the 'cutting' story. Here comes the fun part...ever since I can remember when I got mad I would want to lash out. I usually would take my shirt collar in my mouth bite as hard as I can and pull while historically crying. I would also jerk my arms or legs around sometimes it felt good to stomp the ground. I never did this in front of anyone and as of now only one person actually witnessed me doing this. (quick thing about me I have LD so it's hard for me to read and write (I'm not retarded I promise) and I have ADHD BIG time) When ever I get this mad or upset I still hit and kick the air and sometimes I'll bring my arms close and move them back and forth really fast to get the energy out. When I was with (my now ex) I punched my car and then just sat there to calm down.

So here comes that juicy part! So my ex and I dated for 2 years. We broke up then he 2 weeks later started dating a whore and then had sex with her and broke up with her. We'd had sex and it really hit home for me and I would go through a lot of the 'muscle twitching' and scratching myself (scratching doesn't always happen unless it gets worse) so later on in life I some how forgave him after 6 months and let myself think I wanted to have sex with him. Yup disaster made me cry and for a while I just felt depressed because he freaked out from me freaking out and ignored me for 2 days afterwards which hurt worse than anything. I mostly feared I'd have a disease. I finally told my parents and I went and got tested and clear! Then we started this weird friends with benefits but more just not dating thing and we had sex here and there. Well here I am back in college (2.5 to 3 hours away) and I thought we were doing ok, I've been trying to find someone better and more me but he seems to be the only one there for me (just my luck right?) well he slept with yet ANOTHER whore last night. One who he said 'I'd never do that she sleeps with everyone' yeah he's a fucking asshole and I'm a stupid pathetic bitch (excuse the language) for even thinking that he would be willing to make this work. He admits for being drunk, ok no excuse to me. And he doesn't seem to feel to bad. Like he said 'It was just sex' and I'm like 'No it's not!' he wasn't protected and got off inside her! (sorry for the TMI this is the first time I'm telling 'someone else') I was to afraid to let him even with birth control because I didn't want to get pregnant. And although he's had sex with other people. She's the first he's gotten off inside of without a condom and it really messes with me because I was ready to let him (stupid I know) and the worse part while he's fucking the whore I was getting ready to sleep thinking about how much I missed him and how I wish he was there cuddling with me. Yeah fuck that.

SO anywho long sob story but when I think a little to much about it I tense my muscles up and I just want to punch something or pull something apart. And to calm myself down I've taken (Ironically a razor that he use to use to work in a high school construction class) a razor and will just scrap it over my skin. Well I guess I got a little more brave because I do leave marks (but noting serious just enough to make me relax) I also had a moment in the shower here in college and I have long nails so my knees to right under my breast was covered with scratch marks. I'm also chubby (just saying I don't have that much self confidence but I'm starting to work out again )

So I understand it's not healthy but it's not going to get worse. The cutting doesn't bother me as much as the urge to tense my muscles and just punch or just lash it all out. I'm a very bubbly person in public but I do like my alone time and I usually do things alone. I also have one of my amazing horses with me in college (he can make me happy just by looking in my direction <3 so he helps a lot with stress)

But I just need to know what could be causing these muscle tension urges because I once mentioned it to my mom but didn't get to involved. Adam (my ex) knows all about it and I even told him he's the only one who knows so I need to be able to talk to him when it starts getting bad. He never agreed. And I don't know what happened but I think he's tired of me. But no need for the 'It'll be ok dear' I just would like to figure out what I have. I promise I'm not a charity case or a girl that dresses all in black. I'm very cheerful and friendly but this is my 'dark side' and I just want to figure out if it's just my reaction to anger or something more?


Please excuse my long post, just wanted to tell part of my story lol

AND here's my update on day two of my current upsetness. I'm much better but it's still getting to me and I don't know I still cannot believe it. I am still looking at my phone waiting for him to call me or text me. I got excited when he texted me earlier. I know it is pathetic but I honestly don't know what to do because when I think about him being with someone else. It really really hurts me and I just need to talk to him but I don't know if he wants to talk to me. He's working today so I guess I'll see tonight...

Last edited by Ohsnaphey; August 29th 2012 at 08:46 PM. Reason: add some things
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Delicious Chaos Offline
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Re: Alright...here it goes - August 29th 2012, 06:37 AM

kay im sending you a PM so we could talk about this more




ďIíve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. Iíve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, Iíve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. Iíve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.Ē
- Michael Jordan


Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Ohsnaphey Offline
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Name: Emie
Age: 26
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Re: Alright...here it goes - August 29th 2012, 07:12 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katz View Post
kay im sending you a PM so we could talk about this more
Ok awesome thank you
   
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