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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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cynefin Offline
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Help please? - September 6th 2012, 12:56 AM

So I've had two shitty days. I came to the realization that I'm going to be stuck in this school for another nine months.

So at my school in the girls locker room, there is a window so the female gym teachers can see us change. They didn't give us enough time to change, and it was so hard to hide my cuts. I had to pull my shirt down so it would cover my thighs. I want to change out of gym, but I'm not sure how that's going to go.

Today was picture day. I have EDNOs, and my OCD is a huge part of this. I felt so hungry that it hurt today. but my OCD 'told me' that if I ate this morning, I would puke (a huge fear of mine) Despite that, I ate. During pictures, my anxiety was terrible. I calmed down in my next class because my friend was there. The class after that I was really bad, so I used my flash pass to go to the nurse. As I was walking to the nurse, I went to the bathroom to check my face. I just started crying, my face was red and all. As I continued walking to the nurse, my teacher who took us for pictures said hello to me, but I'm not sure if she noticed me crying.

I can't stay in gym class, I just can't. I'm faint by the end of the day, I can barely walk up and down the stairs, let alone walk a mile. I want to do homeschooling. If I can't function at home, how will I be able to function at school? I can't take the immaturity of the kids in my grade. They are rude. They make me want to die. I want to cut so bad, but the cuts I made the other day were deep. Cutting is what keeps me alive. I want to rip my skin, watch myself bleed so I know I'm alive and I can feel. Even the smell of that razor, or running my fingers along my cuts....

I've been having trouble taking my medication. I can't swallow pills, so I've been disolving it in drinks. I tried orange juice and icecream. Both were gross. Do you have any suggestions?


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Re: Help please? - September 6th 2012, 01:15 AM

That should be determined as invasion of privacy having a window where a teacher can watch you change :O

Okay, I had the same problems with tablets befre February this year. I would gag on them instead of swallowing. but after tasting the pills in icecream, lemonade, etc etc, and also taking it in liquid form (ick) I found I could swallow them. Don't force it, after trying several different ways you'll just find it easier to take tablets. Although it;'s not exactly fool-proof because some days I still have trouble to tae the 5 pills :/

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Re: Help please? - September 6th 2012, 01:19 AM

Hey there Cassie. I'm not sure how much help I can be here, but I'll give it a try.

I know school can be really stressful. It seems like it may never end, right? The truth is, it will. It will be over before you know it. It doesn't seem like it now, but it's the truth. You will move on to much bigger and better things. You just have to make the best of it until you get out of there.

Is your gym class a required course for you? You could talk to your guidance counselor about changing around your schedule to get you out of it maybe. I'm not sure, but if you describe a bit about the problems you're having, they may be able to help you.

You said your anxiety was really bad today. Tomorrow is a new day, and it will be what you make of it. The rest of your school career isn't going to be just like what's come before. When you get really nervous or anxious, try taking a minute or two to stop and breathe. This has helped me some in the past. Think about the things you have to look forward to. You have at least one class with a friend in which you can relax and be yourself.

You are really worried about the gym teachers seeing your cuts. If it bothers you that much, do you think you should take some time to reconsider before you put even more marks on your body? If you go into it telling yourself you're going to mess up, nothing any of us say can stop you from making the decision to harm yourself. If you tell yourself, "Hey, I've had a bad day. I want tomorrow to be better though, and I don't want to worry about new cuts all the time. I want to stop." then you can make an effort to quit and are much more likely to be successful.

Instead of harming yourself, take some time to think about what you could do otherwise. Focus on doing something positive to deal with the emotions and frustrations. This will leave you feeling better overall. If you haven't yet, or even if you have, I suggest you take a look at the Alternatives Thread for some ideas of what to do when you're triggered. They don't all work for everyone, so you may have to keep trying until you find one or a few that are helpful for you.

I know it's going to be a lot of work, but you can beat this. "Always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." I'm here for you and I believe you will defeat the self harm and you will be successful in school. You will do whatever you put your mind to. I'm always here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. Stay strong! <3
   
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Re: Help please? - September 8th 2012, 07:30 PM

Hey there!

I'm sorry to hear you're having some problems with school, I know getting changed for gym class if especially hard if you self-harm.
If I ever absolutely need to SH I do it on my hip, on the part that's covered up by my underwear, so people don't see the scars when I'm getting changed; one time when I wasn't thinking properly and ended up getting a few cuts on my arm, when we had to get changed for P.E. (the English equivalent of gym class) I quickly went to the toilet and changed my top in there. If you have toilets in/near the changing rooms you could try that.
I think you said you SH, or have SH'd, on your thighs. If you wear shorts for your gym class, you could try already having those on underneath your clothes.

As I'm-moving-on said, if you're really having problems you could discuss it with a teacher and see whether you can work something out. If your parents know about your anxiety and everything, they could phone the school about it or write you a note.

As for swallowing pills, I've never been able to do that either. I usually dissolve anything I have to take in tea. If you're finding it gross you could put half of one in a drink and have that, and then put the other half in your next drink, so the taste isn't as strong. See what works for you.

If you ever need to talk, we're all here for you!
   
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Re: Help please? - September 9th 2012, 07:33 PM

Im sorry aswell that your having problems and i am going through almost the same thing. But when you feel like cutting take a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and go all Avril Lavigne and find a friend that understands whats going through your head like me or someone else on TH because we're all here for a speacil purpose. And for your eating disorder don't worry i have one to and i know its hard but try eating something small everyday and dont stuff your self you will throw up like try eating a little soup or even crackers anything to help you get better.


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Re: Help please? - September 9th 2012, 10:44 PM

I know school seems really stressful in the beginning, but believe me it does get better as time progresses. Have you tried talking to your psychiatrist about cutting? It's not an easy thing to overcome and you mention that you don't really want to, but I think you do since you are posting about it and asking people for help. I think you should try going to a parent, or counselor, or friend about it, someone you trust. You expressed your desire to want to try homeschooling, maybe you should talk to your parents about it. And as for you medication, trying swallowing it while eating softer foods such as a banana. I know you can get through all of this, you seem like a strong girl. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more <3
   
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