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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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Exclamation She found out. - July 2nd 2013, 03:11 AM

This girl who I'm close with in real life, she's like my first real life friend and like a sister to me. She found out about my SH both kinds that I do. she said she told her mom and her therapist to see if I could go to her therapist because "I need help" I told her many times I've been free from one of the SH I do for a whole month and that's a lot of days. She said she wouldn't tell anyone then said sorry she has to tell and now she wants me to tell my family or she might. I know she cares but I can't do it. My family knows about the one kind of self harm I do that I've been doing since age 4 and still do now and it's not like they care so why should I bother tell them the "more serious one". I can't do this, I'm panicking. I'll see her at the day care we both work at tomorrow and she'll have time to ask me more questions than she did tonight because I'll meet her in front of her house first then we'll go together to the day care.
   
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Re: She found out. - July 2nd 2013, 08:59 PM

Hi susan, that sounds really hard for you. If you feel like you can't tell your family yourself, you could either write them a letter and leave it somewhere they will find it or you could ask your friend to tell them for you. However, if you don't want to tell your family, wait until your ready and maybe try sitting down with your friend and talking things through as it might help. take care


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Re: She found out. - July 2nd 2013, 10:02 PM

I would be panicking too if I was in that situation but, try to think positively from it. I understand you don't want to tell your family but she said that if you don't, she will. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing? At least you know that if you can't, you'll know she will and maybe your family will learn to support you better from the more serious self-harm. This might be what they needed to be helped in understanding that you really need someone to love and to care for you and to see that you are suffering and are in pain. It might be better that someone else tells your family because some people, they can be more accepting of what non-family tell them as opposed to actual family. Not only that, at least you won't have to hide this more serious self-harm from your family any longer. Think positively about the benefits this could bring you, ok?


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Re: She found out. - July 3rd 2013, 04:28 AM

Hey there,

I know it can be hard to have people find out about your self harm but in the end it can be beneficial to have the support. It sounds like this girl really cares about you and wants you to get the best possible help for your self harm. I think that when you guys talk about this again you should try talking to her about your concerns in regards to telling your family. I know that might be hard to do but being open with her about the fact that you don't know how they will take it or if they will care might help. I don't know what your less serious method of self harm is but it is possible that your family doesn't see it as 'dangerous' or 'serious' because you have been doing it since you were so young. If, however, you were to tell them about your more serious form of self harm they would probably take it more serious and help you get the help you deserve.

In the end, if your family doesn't respond to it the way you need them to that doesn't always mean they do not care but that they do not know how to respond. Finding out that your loved one self harms can be really difficult for people and they don't always respond in the way we need them to but that doesn't mean they do not care.

I think it would be a great idea if you would consider looking into counseling to help you deal with your self harm so that you will no longer feel the need to use it as a coping skill.

I hope that this helped and if you need anything please feel free to message me.


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Re: She found out. - July 5th 2013, 10:55 PM

First, thank you for your replies.

I spoke to her later on, she said she thinks I should tell my family but she won't tell them for me if I don't want her to.
She does insist I see a therapist though, which I'm doing anyway once my insurance is fixed in about 30 days time. Her mother also spoke to me. She's a 4th grade teacher and it turns out that one of her students SH and she helped him. She said she understands, which I appreciate a lot. I still can't find the words to tell my family, partly because of how they'd react but also because I'm supposed to be the one with responsibilities and constantly helping out, it'd feel weird telling them, kinda like making myself vulnerable.
If I do see a therapist, they'll probably find out eventually as we live in the same home and in which case I might further explain everything. I just don't want to worry them, and I'm afraid of their reaction

I'm just a bit confused why she's worried if I haven't done the more serious kind in more than a month (34 days) and I told her that multiple times. That means I'm recovering...maybe I don't need to see a therapist anymore since it's not serious.
   
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Re: She found out. - July 6th 2013, 12:24 AM

You must be under a lot of stress with all of this going on. I know it's so hard to tell your family but I think it would be for the best. You said you don't want to tell them partially because of how they'd react. That's mind reading; you're assuming you know how they're going to react. They might surprise you. Or they might not. I'm just encouraging you to remember that thoughts aren't facts and even though you're worried how they'll react there's no way to know. I know you don't want to worry them but once they know they can support you and help you through it. It could be a good thing. Ultimately the choice is yours.

As for seeing a therapist, the problem isn't the cutting. The problem is whatever's making you self harm. If you need help with that - whatever the reason is - then yes, you should absolutely see a therapist. However, if the reason you're cutting isn't affecting you anymore then no, you don't "need" to see one. It all depends on how you feel. Do you feel you need help sorting out emotions and such? I hope that helped.


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Re: She found out. - July 6th 2013, 01:47 AM

I see your point when you say I'd be assuming things, but they do know about the less serious SH I do (skin picking) and I'm basing it off of that. I'm also a big stress out for them because of how I handle my emotions...(angry outbursts) so I guess I should see someone for that...I also still have urges to SH.
I'm not that effective in communicating so the other reason is fearing I won't transfer what's going on in a clear way and they'd be angry at me or not care. Once they know, they can't pretend they never knew and they could use it against me.

Then again, I don't even know this to be true. It's not fact at all. Nothing is fact but yeah, my fear and worry is based on an assumption of future outcomes that may or may not happen, but the likelihood of it happening is itself scary to me. In other words I'm too chicken to take the risk.
   
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Re: She found out. - July 6th 2013, 10:03 PM

You can do this, I promise. It will take some bravery, but therapists are trained to help you talk about these types of things. They also won’t just bring you in on the first day and expect you to spill your guts. You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to when you are there, but it would benifit you more if overtime you were able to talk about it a little. I’m sure whoever is working with you will help you through it. It isn’t as scary as it sounds, i’ve done it before. As for telling your family, you’re right, at some point they are going to know but its okay. I have a feeling that yes, it may make them a little frightnened when they find out but they will feel better knowing you are getting help somewhere and also they will be greatful that your friend stepped in as well. I’ve been in the friend position too and even though it is SO difficult to go through with taking that step, it can save someones life and I know thats what she was thinking when she told her mom and therapist. I know you said you haven’t done any super serious SH in a month, that is GOOD. But usually with things like that, nobody can stop cold turkey like that for very long. I think it would do you very well to have someone to talk to and you are VERY lucky to have such a loving friend. When you think about seeing someone, think of this, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”


   
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Re: She found out. - July 7th 2013, 12:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gryffindor94 View Post
First, thank you for your replies.

I spoke to her later on, she said she thinks I should tell my family but she won't tell them for me if I don't want her to.
She does insist I see a therapist though, which I'm doing anyway once my insurance is fixed in about 30 days time. Her mother also spoke to me. She's a 4th grade teacher and it turns out that one of her students SH and she helped him. She said she understands, which I appreciate a lot. I still can't find the words to tell my family, partly because of how they'd react but also because I'm supposed to be the one with responsibilities and constantly helping out, it'd feel weird telling them, kinda like making myself vulnerable.
If I do see a therapist, they'll probably find out eventually as we live in the same home and in which case I might further explain everything. I just don't want to worry them, and I'm afraid of their reaction

I'm just a bit confused why she's worried if I haven't done the more serious kind in more than a month (34 days) and I told her that multiple times. That means I'm recovering...maybe I don't need to see a therapist anymore since it's not serious.

I am really glad that you will be seeing someone. Talking to a therapist can be very helpful. They can teach you really useful ways to manage your emotions and how to cope better.
Just because you have not harmed for thirty-four days, does not mean you will never go back to self harm or that you will never struggle. Your friend probably recognizes that you are doing well, however, she may also notice that there is a possibility of you slipping up and going back into harming. As someone who has never harmed (I am guessing this may be the position she is coming from) she may think that it is worrying no matter if it is in the past or present, she really cares about you and wants to see you not doing this. If she understands because she has experience with this, she may know from her own experience that this is not just something you can quit on your own (some people do succeed at it but they are not without slip ups and struggles).
I can tell you from my own experience, that i have tried to quit self harm several times however, after a month or two and at one point four months, i didn't manage it. It is different for all people.
However, most likely counseling will help you, not hurt you.
I am not trying to minimize the achievement of how long you have been free of SH, I am just pointing out that quitting can be a lot harder than it seems.
In terms of your family knowing, that is your choice. They may not find skin picking to be much of a worry because a lot of kids do it and quite a few people do not think of it as harming. However, I think they would be very helpful, encouraging, supportive and try to understand as best as possible if you told them about your more severe form of harming. Worry stops people from doing a lot o fthings they should do, so does discomfort. The best thing to do is tell them when you are ready and in a way you find comfortable. You can even write them a letter if you do not feel comfortable talking about it. This can give them time to process what you have told them.
Hopefully this helps and I am really glad you are getting help.


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