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Self Harm If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm and needs advice or alternatives, we're here to help.

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temporal Offline
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Vent - November 17th 2013, 07:15 AM

I've been self harming for about two months now and I've found that it does help me. I'm not sure why or how but it does. Several people know about this but they've promised not to tell. One of them was a cutter herself until I made her quit a few weeks back. Knowing she was hurting herself made me feel even worse so she said she'd quit. I never stopped though. I know that this isn't the right way to solve my problems, but it keeps me in the right state of mind.

I have depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. My mom doesn't know but my dad had me tested and didn't tell her. I asked him not to because I knew that she'd yell even more than she usually does. Any time I say that I'm sad and don't give her an answer that she wants to hear she yells. If I don't do something that meets her expectations, she yells. Every conversation we have nowadays ends with yelling and a very long argument. It seems like all she ever does anymore is yell at me. When I was younger we had a great relationship. It was as if nothing would ever separate us. She said that I was the most important thing to her in the world and that she was so proud to be my mom. Over the years though, it just began to die as I became more distant and irritable.

My real mom was poor and hardly cared for me and could hardly take care of herself. She couldn't hold a job, kept doing drugs, and lived in an RV. I was neglected and abused until one day, a lady that was a good friend of my family decided to take me in. She couldn't adopt me because my dad, who was in jail at the time, wouldn't allow her to, so she just got custody.

I've always been smart, almost always having straight As. But now I mostly have Cs and Ds. I transferred to a new school as a result of constant bullying at my old one. I've been dealing with bullying nearly my whole life. I was bullied in kindergarten, always teased for being short and being pushed around. It was the same thing in first, just with name calling and a lot of put downs. My adoptive mom and biological father had just gotten a divorce and he'd moved out. I'd always been a daddy's girl so this made me really sad. I started talking about how bad my life was and wishing that I could just die or that I'd never been born. This landed me in counselling. I'd always be getting looks because I was a seven year old who needed counselling for suicidal thoughts. After only about five weeks, my mom had to pull me out because it costed to much. I pretended to be happy because I felt bad for stressing her out.

The bullying just got worse every year with new kids and nastier words. Some things happened with my brother and he ended up in prison. I haven't seen him for about six years now. It was around this time that the last of my friends-however few I had at that time-started ignoring me and leaving me. Eventually I had nobody left. It was like that for four years. The last friend I had had threatened to kill me after an argument. After that I just got really quiet and just stopped talking to people. I was really lonely and the fact that my mom was depressed because her boyfriend cheated on her didn't help me feel any better. I'd never liked him and he'd been coming over almost every night for approximately two years. She said she'd break up with him but she never did.

During the summer she decided to move in with him. I did not like this idea one bit, but she didn't care and accused me of being selfish and rude. So we moved in with him. The whole year they were arguing and she was stressed out she'd use me as a vent and yell at me for everything. Even little things like not talking loud enough. Usually I would just take this as I've learned to do, but this was my mother figure. So I'd argue and then she'd just get even angrier. Every argument would end with her picking out all of my flaws and telling me what a big disappointment I was and me crying.

Now, about a year and a half later, we're moving out. I hardly talk to my mom anymore and whenever we do its so she can tell me what I'm doing wrong and/or asking me to do something. I'm not sure what it's going to be like living in a house alone with her again, and I'm honestly not looking forward to it. I'm still going to cut and it's getting harder to hide the scars. She'd be furious if she found out and would possible hit me. I told her I thought that I was depressed and she started screaming at me for thinking something like that and said "There's a lot of things wrong with you, but that is not one of them." I can't tell my dad about this because he hardly talks to me anymore. Every time we talk, he's always saying that he might have cancer, he wants to die, and that he'll probably move out of state and I won't be able to see him for possibly the rest of my life.

My birthday is coming up. It's this week actually. I'm going to wish for the same thing I always do: for things to be better. They won't but it's nice to hope, right? I just want the mom I used to have back, but she won't come back and I'll never be the person who I want to be. I'd be lying if I said that I liked who I'd become, but I don't think I could change after all of these years. I may be at a new school this year with a bunch of friends, but I'm emotionally and mentally unstable and have had several breakdowns in the first couple of months. I need help but lack the means of getting any. Only a few people are willing to listen, and I'm not comfortable telling all of them about my past. I hear the same things from each of them: It will get better, talk to a teacher, etc. I nod and say okay but dismiss everything they say because I don't believe it will get better and I don't want to tell a teacher. I want to tell people that I'm depressed but I' don't want to burden others with my problems. I'm confused and lonely and it continues to get worse. I just don't know what to do anymore.
   
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Azure. Offline
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Re: Vent - November 17th 2013, 05:54 PM

Hey there,

Sounds like things have been tough lately. Your story reminds me a lot of my own. I was also put in counseling at a very young age. If you ever need to vent, I'd be happy to listen

Things do get better. I know you may feel like this now, but it won't last. Be hopeful for your future. One day, you'll be able to move out. That's the idea that always keeps me going.

Reaching out is very important. You may not want to, but it will help in the end. Here is a list of some people that you can go to for help. It includes people like guidance counsellors, trusted family members, and friends. I think it may be a good idea to talk to your friend that used to cut. She would understand where you're coming from and might be able to support you if she's willing. Anyway, you need support to get past this. Life does get better. If you have people to share your feelings with, it is a lot easier to heal.

To tell people you SH may seem a little scary at first. You could tell them face to face or write a letter. I would definitely write a letter to your mom explaining that you are going through a hard time and you need support. You could ask for a counselor if it is possible. I would also include in this note some information on self harm and depression. You can get some articles together to show her, which would help her understand a little more. Going to your school guidance counselor is helpful because they can often be a great help when telling parents.

Don't be afraid of burdening others with your problems. You deserve support through the hard times. If this really is a concern for you, however, you may want to tell the people you confide in to tell you if it is too much for them to handle.

Here is a list of alternatives to self harm. Whenever you feel you need to harm yourself, look at the list and find something to do instead. Things that help may include going for a walk, listening to music, or talking to a friend. Some alternatives may not work for you. If this is the case, pick a new one and try again!

Try to live day by day. Set goals for yourself each day. Try your best in everything you do. Talk to someone. Try alternatives. Things will get better. I was in a similar situation once. I might still be struggling, but things have gotten a lot better for me. They only continue to get better. I promise you that these feelings won't last forever.

I hope this helped. Again, if you ever need a friend, feel free to VM or PM me
Stay strong,
Nal


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Find your light in a new dawn.
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